What? WHAT? WHAT?!?

So originally I thought I might enlighten everyone about the Joy of Colonoscopy but then I thought that may be a bit too graphic.  And besides, what picture would I post at the top of the blog?  Many come to mind but none of them would be too pleasing to the eye, and if you are reading this while eating lets just say that it would allow you to start your diet earlier than you may have planned. Suffice it to say that if it is suggested you get a colonoscopy that you do it.  There, I've done my good deed for the day, which means for the rest of the day I can be a miserable snot...now there's something to look forward to!

So rather than working from the bottom up, so to speak, I thought I would begin from the top down and write this blog about my trip to the audiologist.  In case you think an audiologist is someone that works at Radio Shack selling speakers, you have come to the right place.  You're wrong, but you have come to the right place.  An audiologist is someone that deals with the science of hearing.  They do extensive hearing testing and if need be recommend hearing aids or some other hearing devices that aid in the hearing process.  Seeing as how over the past couple of years I've noticed that I have trouble hearing with background noise I wanted to get this checked out.  At home my wife has noticed that I am saying "what?" more often...I blamed this on the noise from the refrigerator - but she ain't buying it.

I arrive at the office and after filling out the obligatory paperwork I meet with the audiologist who is a very nice guy.  We talk for a while to get my background information, and then we begin the process.  First he goes in and removes whatever wax may be there.  Okay, stop it with the "ewww, gross!" comments.  Like I'm the only one with wax in their ears?  I'm not, am I?  I KNEW I should have asked him that!  Then we step into the soundproof booth (I have no idea if this is what it is actually called, but if it's good enough for a game show it's good enough for me...besides, maybe I'll win a prize!).  The first test is to check out my eardrums.  Eardrum...what an odd name for something that is so sensitive.  The name eardrum sounds like you should be able to go in there with a Q-Tip and start wailing "Wipeout", but I don't recommend it.  This was a quick test and the eardrums are fine.

Now comes the fun part.  He fits me with foam inserts that he pushes into each ear until they touch in the middle.  Okay not quite that far in but far enough.  Then he hands me a buzzer that looks exactly like the ones used in "Jeopardy" - wow, I thought, this IS a game show...I wonder what my parting gift will be...I'll take "I Can't Hear a Stinking Thing" for $500 Alex. He explains how to use the thing and he says we will begin in about 2 minutes.  About 5 minutes later he comes back and says it will be a few more minutes.  Later on he tells me his computer crashed and he had to reboot.  I have that effect on computers but I wasn't about to tell him that for fear of being charged double.  Then we begin the process, pressing the Jeopardy buzzer every time I hear a tone.  Is it just me or does everyone feel like if they miss a tone you're a complete failure?  I blame the feeling on that miserable buzzer and the soundproof booth.

Anyway, after about 30 minutes of testing he comes in and says that we're done.  He just has to print up the results.  So I leave the soundproof booth, expecting of course to have thunderous applause as I exit, finding only the receptionist cooking lunch in the microwave...what a letdown!

Then we sit down and go over the results.  I am completely expecting the results to show that, yes, I do have some hearing loss and it is worse with background noise...after all, the refrigerator, my wife, you know. He pulls out the paperwork with the graphs and begins to explain them all.  He shows me the normal hearing range on the graph then shows me where my results are...ready for this?  Every result is well within the normal range!  WHAT?  (Get it? "What?" C'mon, that was funny!)  All of the results are as close to perfect as you can get.  He tells me that I have the hearing of an 8 year old.  (My wife later commented that it all makes sense now...8 year olds never listen!  She also called me at my office later on in the day and whispered "hello? hello?"  My wife the comedian!)  I'm completely baffled by the findings.  I was ready for almost any answer except for this one.  He explains that my hearing is so good that the background noise is very distracting so I can't hear well in those situations.  Talk about a Catch-22!  I supposedly have great hearing but because of that I can't hear!  By now I'm looking at him like my dog does when she doesn't understand something I've said to her - my head is cocked to one side, although I resist the urge to start panting.  He says that he likes it when people like myself come in to get tested because it proves that his equipment is calibrated correctly.  Huh?  So glad I could help!

He then gives me some suggestions to help in loud background noise situations as well as at home.  Who knows, he may have just saved my marriage!  I, of course, am ticked off because this takes away any excuse I had for not hearing my wife.  Thanks, pal!  And by the way, the parting gift?  A bill.  What kind of a game show is this?  What???

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Ready to take a trip?  Hop into the WABAC Machine (pronounced wayback) with me for a few moments.  Those of you who are my age and older will know what that means...those of you who are younger, or who have never seen the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon with Mr. Peabody and Sherman, pretend we're going back in time. Flash back with me to October 27, 2004 at about 11:45 PM.  There is a lunar eclipse in the sky, and on the ground, in St. Louis, the Boston Red Sox have just completed a sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals for their first World Series title in 86 years.  Now jump back into the WABAC Machine and fast forward to June 15, 2011.  There is a lunar eclipse in the sky* and the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup Championship for the first time in 39 years.  *I know we couldn't see the eclipse here, but call your friends in Mogadishu (God bless you...oops, I thought you sneezed) and they will tell you it happened.  So the Sox win in 2004 during an eclipse, and the Bruins win in 2011 during an eclipse.  Coincidence?  Nope.  And to prove it, check back with me in another 7 years, on January 31, 2018 and watch the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl...which will make history since it will be the first time it has ever been played during a lunar eclipse, and on a Wednesday.  It could happen!

I admittedly am not a hockey fan.  I am, however, a sports fan - and a Boston fan.  So since the Bruins made it to the Stanley Cup finals I've been keeping close track of the goings on in Boston and Vancouver.  I did watch Game 7 of the series when the Bruins won the Cup.  And even though I'm not big into hockey if there is a Game 7 of any sport I want to see it, as "there is no tomorrow, it's for all the marbles, it's do or die, it's win or go home", and on and on and on.  This Sunday I understand there is a Game 7 for the National Tiddlywinks Championship of the World and the Boston Winks are playing for the title against the New York Losers (wait a minute, that's not their name, that name has already been taken by the pin-striped baseball team in NY...but I digress).  I believe it's the New York Flippers.  And, since it's a Game 7 I'll be watching.  I would go to the game but I understand the ticket prices range from $3 to a whopping $25...too rich for my blood.  I hear the venue they are playing in is a daycare facility in downtown Boston which holds about 50 people (75 if you are under 3 feet tall which is most of the people that go there).  I know this all sounds absurd, but it it absolutely true - you just can't make this stuff up.  Okay, maybe I can.

You can accuse me of being a "homer" (one who only roots for the home teams) and that for the most part is true.  So sue me.  Then we'll split the money!  Anyway, it is true - I go for the home laundry (whatever jersey the home team is wearing).  Aren't you glad you tuned in to read this?  Think of the education you are getting in the comfort of your home, or wherever you are.  Where ARE you by the way?  Never mind...

So let's review.  We've learned about lunar eclipses and that they are advantageous to the Boston Sports Teams.  We've learned that you have friends in Mo, Mo, Moga, Mogadishu! (Bless you again...you really should have that checked out, you do look a little pekid.)  We've learned that the 2018 Super Bowl will be played on a Wednesday.  We've also learned that the Tiddlywinks Championship is this Sunday, but I'm not sure of the outcome.  Why?  No eclipse, of course.  Have you forgotten about that already?  Be careful or I may spring a surprise quiz on you.  And of course I have some excellent questions - here's a few samples: Who is buried in Grant's tomb?  When was the Battle of 1812 fought?  And now for the piece de reistance, Who is the George Washington Bridge named after?  If you need me to provide the answers to you, you are in worse shape than I thought.

Okay, done for now.  My congratulations to the Boston Bruins, 2011 Stanley Cup Champions.  And good luck to the Boston Winks...you gotta love the laundry in Boston!

NUMBER 25!

I just looked at the statistics for this blog.  Yes, there are statistics for these blogs.  The stats are actually fascinating.  They tell you things like how many people read your blog by day, week, month and year.  It also tells you what country they are located in.  It also gives me all of the names, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, bank account and credit card numbers...the thing is freaking amazing!  It has enabled me to quit my job and do this full time.  By the way, don't look at your bank or credit card statements - I only take a little money at a time so you won't even notice it.  Aren't you glad you're reading the blog now?!?

Okay, calm down, the stats don't give me all of that information, nor am I an identity thief.  But if any of you want to voluntarily give me any of that information, well, feel free.  Nah, never mind, I couldn't abscond with anyone else's moolah.  Besides, I don't think there is Wi-Fi in prison so my blogging would come to an abrupt end.  For that reason alone I shall stay on the straight and narrow.

The statistics do give you numbers of people and the countries that they are in.  That is cool!  Who knew this was now an International Blog?  The countries that have had at least one person look at the blog read something like the Security Council at the UN: the United States of course, Germany, Canada, United Kingdom, Sweden, Singapore, Denmark, India, Egypt, Russia and China.  While I have friends in Germany and Sweden (and one or two in the US) I don't know anyone else in any of the other countries.  Which makes me wonder what they are thinking when they read this "stuff".  Oh well, I'm looking for a book deal so if you're a publisher in Denmark and you are interested give a ring!  I can't speak Danish, but I love your pastry!

Talk about a tangent...I started this blog with the intention of mentioning that this was my 25th blog - thus the title "Number 25".  I found this out by the statistics, but then I got swept away with all of the other stat-type things.  Oh well, it's my blo-og and I'll cry if I want to...cry if I want to...cry if I want to...you would cry too if it happened to you..."  Egads, where did THAT come from?  Leslie Gore I believe, but I digress.

Anyway, I thought I would stick with the Number 25 theme and look up famous athletes who wore the number 25 jersey.  I began, of course, with the Boston Red Sox.  There were 46 players who wore the number 25 for the Sox, and I'll bet the seamstress that sews the names on the uniforms was pretty ticked off about it.  My three favorites were Tony Conigliaro, Dwight Evans and Mike Lowell.  And how all three wore the same jersey I'll never know.  Some other players from other teams/sports that wear number 25 are Barry Bonds, Fred Biletnikoff, Jim Thome, Mark Teixeira, etc.  25 is also a full roster for most of the season for a baseball team.  But there are other things about the Number 25...it is the sum of the first 5 odd numbers.  Coincidence?  I think not.  (huh?)  It is the year (25 AD) that Aulus Cremutius Cordus, Roman historian, died.  I feel horrible. I missed the funeral.

25 cents is one quarter of a dollar.  At least that's what they say.  And for all of you science aficionados out there, 25 is the atomic number of Manganese.  I always thought Manganese was an island off the coast of Africa, or a spread that you put on a turkey sandwich.  But what do I know?  How about this one...25 is the minimum age for a candidate to the United States House of Representatives.  The way they've been behaving over the past few years you would think that age 25 was the oldest member of the House!  Interstate 25 is a freeway that runs from New Mexico to Wyoming.  I wonder what the problem is with New Mexico that makes the road run to Wyoming?  Those of you who live in New Mexico, please shed some light on this.  If you've been married for 25 years you are celebrating your Silver Anniversary.  Come to think of it, we never received any silver on our 25th anniversary.  But it's never too late, folks, feel free to send us all of your silver.  Heck, gold too if it makes you feel better!  Then there is the song "In The Year 2525" by Zager & Evans...a real upbeat song about humans basically falling apart and machines doing everything for you.  A real toe-tapper.

So that brings us back to the fact that this is Number 25.  I have no clue as to what the next 25 blogs are going to bring, but I can tell you one thing - there will be a Birthday Blog in the not-too-distant-future.  Details at 11.  I was going to put details at 25 but there is no 25 o'clock.  However, if your clock strikes 25 what time is it?  Everybody say it with me...time to get a new clock!!!  Another reason why yours truly does not do stand-up.  Because as everybody knows you sit-down to write a blog!  Duh!

Slogans...Words to Live Buy

Virtually every business has a slogan...one of those catchy one liners that is supposed to make you remember the product or service they provide.  Some are very catchy - "Just Do It", "got milk?", etc.  If you are wondering how I came up with the idea to do a blog about slogans, and I know you are, I heard possibly the most stupid slogan I have ever heard on the radio the other day.  It was for a car dealership.  The slogan was "The dealership that advertises what we CAN do, not what we CAN'T".  Am I missing something here?  When is the last time you heard a company advertising what they could NOT do?  Although I'm no advertising guru, I myself came up with a slogan designed just for the genius that invented the dealership slogan:  "XYZ Advertising Agency...raking in the bucks while all our slogans suck!"  I know, a bit vulgar, but catchy don't you think?

A good slogan or commercial can be the difference between making it big: The American Express Card - Don't leave home without it...or not making it at all: (see the dealership slogan above).  I'll bet almost everyone can recite virtually any slogan with a little prodding.  Let's put that to the test, shall we?  Here are some slogans.  You need to tell me what company they belong to. Here we go:

You're in good hands with ___________
What's in your wallet?
Nothing runs like a _________
You can do it. We can help.
Improving home improvement.
I'm lovin' it.
Nobody doesn't like _____ ____
You are now free to move about the country.
That was easy.
Like a good neighbor, _____ ____ is there.
We run the tightest ship in the shipping business.

How did you do?  Good I hope because I'm not going to give you the answers! You want answers? Do you think you're entitled? You want answers?!? You want the truth?!?  YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!  Sorry, got a little carried away with one of my favorite lines from my favorite movie "A Few Good Men".

Some slogans are so catchy that you remember them decades after they are gone.  And some were very suggestive:

Does she or doesn't she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure. (Clairol Hair Color)
Take it off...take it all off!  (Noxema Medicated Shave)
I'd walk a mile for a Camel. (Huh? I suppose if you're in a desert maybe.)

Since I'm in a very nutty mood, because after all, Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes You Don't, I'm toying with the idea of giving you the answers in my next blog.  But alas, since some of you know where I live I suppose I'll cave under the peer pressure....Have It Your Way. Here you go:

Allstatecapitalonedeerehomedepotlowesmcdonaldssaraleesouthwestairlinesstaplesstatefarmups.

(I couldn't make it real easy for you, where is the fun in that?)  After all, We Try Harder!   Feel free to read my blog wherever you like because It's Everywhere You Want To Be...Just Let Your Fingers Do The Walking.  You can read this blog at work too because You Deserve a Break Today. Your comments are always welcome too, When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best.  You see, the beauty of reading this is that It Is Ready When You Are.  And never doubt the facts brought forth here as This Is Where The Rubber Meets The Road.  You see, we here at TK's Random Thoughts are Just Slightly Ahead Of Our Time. 

I may never end this blog..It Keeps Going and Going and Going...And don't forget, this is the blog that advertises what it CAN do, not what it CAN'T!