Unless you just crawled out from under a rock you have probably heard that the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and are now the World Champions! Okay, technically they are not "World" Champions - the official title is "World Series Champions", however for the purposes of this blog the Red Sox are the World Champions...live with it!
By now you may have also heard some of the story lines of their victory: their beards, their clubhouse comradery, and the fact that last year they came in dead last and this year they won it all, better known as Worst to First! However, you haven't heard it from me, so here goes. (But first a note to my New York Yankee friends - do you know what the "NY" on your hats stands for? Not Yet. Just thought I would throw that one in...and no, I don't want to talk about how many world series titles each team has because, frankly, it's not relevant to our conversation today. However, feel free to write your own blog and I'll be happy to read all about it!)
This victory was sweet this year for many reasons, not the least of which is that we have suffered through two horrific years of fried chicken, beer and Bobby Valentine! If you aren't a Sox fan you probably have no idea what I am talking about, but suffice it to say that it wasn't pretty. This year all we had to put up with were some beards that looked, well, for the most part, just a bit shabby. A small price to pay to become World Champions.
So why the title "Leaves, Sleep and the Boston Red Sox"? It is simply a matter of priorities. It isn't every year that the Red Sox get into the playoffs or the World Series, but every October the leaves fall and need to be raked up. Therefore, leaves keep (kinda like dust) so they will still be there in November. And I figure who needs sleep in October? November was made for that too. So feel free to stop by our house at any time and you may be lucky enough to spot me in the front yard, leaning on my rake fast asleep, in my Red Sox Champions of the Universe tee shirt. Hey, it could be true...do you know of any other planet that has a better baseball team? Not this year, baby! And even if there is baseball on other planets, is there another team that could win it all? How can I best put this...NY!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Studies Government-style!
With everything that is going on with the government today I thought I'd write a blog about studies. Not the stuff that we had to do in school, but studies that our illustrious government funds with our hard earned money. Notice I said "our" hard earned money. Let's not forget that the government does not make money, unless you consider printing it making it. No, what the government does is an enormous job of redistribution of our money. Granted the majority of what they spend it on is necessary (roughly 51%) but the remainder is what we lovingly refer to as "pork-barrel projects". You know, those "we gotta have 'em" projects that we cannot do without.
I did some research about some of these pork-barrel projects. It took me about 1/2 hour to find these, and if the government had hired me to do this research I figure I could have made $15,971 not including lodging and transportation. Quite a bargain by federal standards. Here is a list of just a few of these pet projects. First a disclaimer...if one or more of these projects were done at your request, well, too bad:
1) $107,000 to study the sex life of the Japanese quail. Apparently the male quail (say that 5 times fast) is quite the ladies man. Nuff said.
2) $84,000 to find out why people fall in love. Now THERE'S a mystery. Can't wait to see how that book ends. I bet the butler did it.
3) $1 Million dollars to find out why people don't ride bikes to work. Well let's see. I work about 23 miles from home and the best way to get from here to there is by Route 395 through Norwich. Seeing as how you can't ride a bike on Route 395, and I'm not about to bike over 30 miles one way, which is the next best route, well, there you go! That's a million dollars we'll never get back.
4) $100,000 on how to avoid falling spacecraft. As my friend Frank would say, some jokes just write themselves. And possibly my favorite because of the subject and the dollar amount...
5) $19 Million dollars to examine gas emissions from cow flatulence. I don't care if you believe in global warming or not, that is just a little over the top. I wonder if they'll classify that as man-made global warming? Okay, splain that one to me Lucy!
So the next time you are taking your Japanese quail for a walk while reading a love story not riding your bike to work (shame on you, by the way!), running through a smelly cow field because you're trying to avoid those pesky falling spacecraft, remember this blog and then ask yourself..."would the federal government have paid me to read this?" And if the answer is yes, let me know and we'll split the money! Wait, there's a knock at my door. Can I help you? You're with the FBI? Oh, the other FBI. The Federal Blog Investigation? Hey honey, call our attorney, we're in deep!
I did some research about some of these pork-barrel projects. It took me about 1/2 hour to find these, and if the government had hired me to do this research I figure I could have made $15,971 not including lodging and transportation. Quite a bargain by federal standards. Here is a list of just a few of these pet projects. First a disclaimer...if one or more of these projects were done at your request, well, too bad:
1) $107,000 to study the sex life of the Japanese quail. Apparently the male quail (say that 5 times fast) is quite the ladies man. Nuff said.
2) $84,000 to find out why people fall in love. Now THERE'S a mystery. Can't wait to see how that book ends. I bet the butler did it.
3) $1 Million dollars to find out why people don't ride bikes to work. Well let's see. I work about 23 miles from home and the best way to get from here to there is by Route 395 through Norwich. Seeing as how you can't ride a bike on Route 395, and I'm not about to bike over 30 miles one way, which is the next best route, well, there you go! That's a million dollars we'll never get back.
4) $100,000 on how to avoid falling spacecraft. As my friend Frank would say, some jokes just write themselves. And possibly my favorite because of the subject and the dollar amount...
5) $19 Million dollars to examine gas emissions from cow flatulence. I don't care if you believe in global warming or not, that is just a little over the top. I wonder if they'll classify that as man-made global warming? Okay, splain that one to me Lucy!
So the next time you are taking your Japanese quail for a walk while reading a love story not riding your bike to work (shame on you, by the way!), running through a smelly cow field because you're trying to avoid those pesky falling spacecraft, remember this blog and then ask yourself..."would the federal government have paid me to read this?" And if the answer is yes, let me know and we'll split the money! Wait, there's a knock at my door. Can I help you? You're with the FBI? Oh, the other FBI. The Federal Blog Investigation? Hey honey, call our attorney, we're in deep!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Run/Walk to Break the Silence
Normally I can bang out a blog in a short period of time without too
much thought being put into it. Yes, that is my secret - not thinking -
seems to work every time! This one is a little bit different. Not that
I don't know a lot about the subject; quite the contrary, possibly too
much. I had never even heard of the subject before 2003 when it came,
uninvited, into our lives.
Ovarian cancer. Just the sound of those words can make one cringe.
When you hear of a friend or an acquaintance that has cancer your first
thought is "oh, that is too bad". But when it invades your life, or
your spouse's life, the angst level is off the charts. My wife Madonna
was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August of 2003. She had all of the
"classic symptoms": bloating (in her case appearing to be 9 months
pregnant), stomach pain, frequent urination, and a few more. Who knew
what the symptoms of ovarian cancer were? Certainly not us. Most of
the symptoms mirror things many women experience on a monthly basis;
this is how insidious this disease is. It used to be known as the
"silent killer" however now we know that it is not - it whispers. If
the symptoms persist for more than two weeks, or if a symptom is unusual
for you, see a doctor. Chances are good that it is not ovarian cancer.
But if it is (about 22,000 women are diagnosed each year) and you catch
it early you have a 90% chance of survival. Unfortunately many women
aren't diagnosed early and about 15,000 women will die each year.
Getting back to our journey, my wife had an operation that removed a 17
centimeter tumor in her ovary, and without going into too much medical
jargon she had everything removed. Six sessions of chemotherapy
followed over the next four months, complete with total hair loss and
feeling like a Mack truck had run her over. That was ten years ago, and
our journey since that time has been many check-ups with good news each
time. Not that we did not have a few scares along the way, thinking
that the disease had recurred, which it does quite frequently. I think
about those times and they may have been more scary than the original
diagnosis.
Knowledge is the key for ovarian cancer. It can be beat, and it is
being beaten every day. The major problem is that there is no
definitive screening test that can be done so women need to be in tune
with their bodies and advocate for themselves. And men, you too need to
be aware as well. Had I known the symptoms back in 2003 I would have
insisted that my wife get checked out earlier than what she actually
did. That is why the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (NOCC) states
that ovarian cancer is "more than a woman's disease". I can certainly
vouch for that as it affects everyone in the family.
The mission of the NOCC is to raise awareness and promote education
about ovarian cancer. They are committed to improving the survival rate
and quality of life for women with ovarian cancer. Being a non-profit
organization they rely primarily on donations. September is ovarian
cancer awareness month and the Connecticut Chapter of the NOCC is
sponsoring their 4th Annual Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian
Cancer on Saturday September 7, 2013 at Rentschler Field in East
Hartford beginning at 8 AM. Not only is it a fundraiser but it is also
a celebration of survivors and the memories of those lost to the
disease. It is an event complete with entertainment, vendors of all
kinds, food, etc. The comradery that is felt there cannot be explained;
it has to be experienced. It is a beautiful celebration. For more
information please go to nocc.kintera.org/connecticut. You can register
the morning of the walk or online before it. If you have any questions
or need any other information feel free to email me at
tkonline1@sbcglobal.net.
much thought being put into it. Yes, that is my secret - not thinking -
seems to work every time! This one is a little bit different. Not that
I don't know a lot about the subject; quite the contrary, possibly too
much. I had never even heard of the subject before 2003 when it came,
uninvited, into our lives.
Ovarian cancer. Just the sound of those words can make one cringe.
When you hear of a friend or an acquaintance that has cancer your first
thought is "oh, that is too bad". But when it invades your life, or
your spouse's life, the angst level is off the charts. My wife Madonna
was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August of 2003. She had all of the
"classic symptoms": bloating (in her case appearing to be 9 months
pregnant), stomach pain, frequent urination, and a few more. Who knew
what the symptoms of ovarian cancer were? Certainly not us. Most of
the symptoms mirror things many women experience on a monthly basis;
this is how insidious this disease is. It used to be known as the
"silent killer" however now we know that it is not - it whispers. If
the symptoms persist for more than two weeks, or if a symptom is unusual
for you, see a doctor. Chances are good that it is not ovarian cancer.
But if it is (about 22,000 women are diagnosed each year) and you catch
it early you have a 90% chance of survival. Unfortunately many women
aren't diagnosed early and about 15,000 women will die each year.
Getting back to our journey, my wife had an operation that removed a 17
centimeter tumor in her ovary, and without going into too much medical
jargon she had everything removed. Six sessions of chemotherapy
followed over the next four months, complete with total hair loss and
feeling like a Mack truck had run her over. That was ten years ago, and
our journey since that time has been many check-ups with good news each
time. Not that we did not have a few scares along the way, thinking
that the disease had recurred, which it does quite frequently. I think
about those times and they may have been more scary than the original
diagnosis.
Knowledge is the key for ovarian cancer. It can be beat, and it is
being beaten every day. The major problem is that there is no
definitive screening test that can be done so women need to be in tune
with their bodies and advocate for themselves. And men, you too need to
be aware as well. Had I known the symptoms back in 2003 I would have
insisted that my wife get checked out earlier than what she actually
did. That is why the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (NOCC) states
that ovarian cancer is "more than a woman's disease". I can certainly
vouch for that as it affects everyone in the family.
The mission of the NOCC is to raise awareness and promote education
about ovarian cancer. They are committed to improving the survival rate
and quality of life for women with ovarian cancer. Being a non-profit
organization they rely primarily on donations. September is ovarian
cancer awareness month and the Connecticut Chapter of the NOCC is
sponsoring their 4th Annual Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian
Cancer on Saturday September 7, 2013 at Rentschler Field in East
Hartford beginning at 8 AM. Not only is it a fundraiser but it is also
a celebration of survivors and the memories of those lost to the
disease. It is an event complete with entertainment, vendors of all
kinds, food, etc. The comradery that is felt there cannot be explained;
it has to be experienced. It is a beautiful celebration. For more
information please go to nocc.kintera.org/connecticut. You can register
the morning of the walk or online before it. If you have any questions
or need any other information feel free to email me at
tkonline1@sbcglobal.net.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Anniversaries and Baseball
I love baseball. I like most sports but baseball is my favorite. I played center field for most of my baseball "career" in Norwich, coached and umpired for over 12 years, and now my career is insurance. However, if I got a call from the Red Sox asking that I help manage the team, do front office work, or clean the dugout, I would be there in a heartbeat. And my wife married me knowing this. So my idea of a great anniversary? Going to a ballgame of course. Hers? Not so much.
For the first time ever, my wife and I went to a Red Sox game on our anniversary. And no, we did not plan it...it just sort of happened. The planets aligned (my wife wouldn't necessarily agree) and we ended up with the tickets. Actually the tickets were won by my daughter in law so she and my son were all set to go, four days before our anniversary. How did I end up with the tickets? My daughter in law couldn't go to the game so my son offered her ticket to me (oh darn) so I sacrificed for my son and went with him to the game. Only after we got to Fenway Pahk ("Park" to those outside of Boston) did the game get rained out. The game was postponed until the next off day the Sox had, which happened to be our anniversary. And since my son could not make it that night my wife sacrificed for me and used my son's ticket. You got all that? There will be a test later on, so make sure you have it straight.
So we're off on our adventure the early afternoon of our 36th anniversary. (Remember that number, you will need to know it later on...but I digress.) We drive to the T (subway) station and take that into Kenmore Square. A short walk and we're at my Home Away From Home. We have great seats which are right below the press box behind home plate with a restaurant a few feet away. My daughter in law really knows how to win good tickets...thanks Em! After eating we go to our seats and settle in for the game. A waitress comes by to ask if we would like anything. I order a coke, and she asks if I would like to run a tab...a tab...at Fenway Pahk! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! So of course I say yes thinking I would pretend to be an adult. I don't remember the last time I ran a tab - actually I don't think I have EVER run a tab so I went wild and spent a total of $12.50 for the entire game. Yup, that's me, the last of the big time spenders!
At the pahk there are photographers that take your picture in the hopes that you will purchase the package they show you later on. We posed and forgot about it. Until she came back with the photo which came out good. C'mon, it's Fenway Pahk, how could it not come out good?!? She said to purchase one picture would cost $25 but to buy the entire set the cost would be $36. (Does that number ring a bell?) My wife said "wow, it's our 36th wedding anniversary!" The couple sitting next to us literally started to yell "what? You GOTTA buy the pictures now!" (No peer pressure there.) So we did. We began to talk to our peer-pressure pals and find out that she is a divorce attorney. What are the chances? She called us an "icon" and gave us big time kudos which was nice. We explain that we were high school sweethearts (awwwww) and the photographer starts shaking her head saying "stop, you're gonna make me cry!" To which I respond "then can we have the pictures for free?" Didn't work, but I had to try.
Oh yea, there was a game going on too. In the middle of the 8th inning, during the singing of "Sweet Caroline" the heavens opened up and there was a 40 minute rain delay. Being under the press box we stay dry and enjoy seeing throngs of people head under cover. Petty? You bet. You got a problem with that?The Sox lost 2 to 1 on a lousy call by the umpire, who admitted it after the game. It is always fun when you have 35,000 fans screaming at the ump...good way to get rid of your frustrations! So the game ends and we leave to go home...only after I ask the divorce attorney for her card. Nah, not really. You see, my wife and I have always said we would never get divorced, for two reasons; the first is that neither one of us wanted custody of the kids. The second? We can't afford it! Happy Anniversary to all, and to all a good night!
For the first time ever, my wife and I went to a Red Sox game on our anniversary. And no, we did not plan it...it just sort of happened. The planets aligned (my wife wouldn't necessarily agree) and we ended up with the tickets. Actually the tickets were won by my daughter in law so she and my son were all set to go, four days before our anniversary. How did I end up with the tickets? My daughter in law couldn't go to the game so my son offered her ticket to me (oh darn) so I sacrificed for my son and went with him to the game. Only after we got to Fenway Pahk ("Park" to those outside of Boston) did the game get rained out. The game was postponed until the next off day the Sox had, which happened to be our anniversary. And since my son could not make it that night my wife sacrificed for me and used my son's ticket. You got all that? There will be a test later on, so make sure you have it straight.
So we're off on our adventure the early afternoon of our 36th anniversary. (Remember that number, you will need to know it later on...but I digress.) We drive to the T (subway) station and take that into Kenmore Square. A short walk and we're at my Home Away From Home. We have great seats which are right below the press box behind home plate with a restaurant a few feet away. My daughter in law really knows how to win good tickets...thanks Em! After eating we go to our seats and settle in for the game. A waitress comes by to ask if we would like anything. I order a coke, and she asks if I would like to run a tab...a tab...at Fenway Pahk! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! So of course I say yes thinking I would pretend to be an adult. I don't remember the last time I ran a tab - actually I don't think I have EVER run a tab so I went wild and spent a total of $12.50 for the entire game. Yup, that's me, the last of the big time spenders!
At the pahk there are photographers that take your picture in the hopes that you will purchase the package they show you later on. We posed and forgot about it. Until she came back with the photo which came out good. C'mon, it's Fenway Pahk, how could it not come out good?!? She said to purchase one picture would cost $25 but to buy the entire set the cost would be $36. (Does that number ring a bell?) My wife said "wow, it's our 36th wedding anniversary!" The couple sitting next to us literally started to yell "what? You GOTTA buy the pictures now!" (No peer pressure there.) So we did. We began to talk to our peer-pressure pals and find out that she is a divorce attorney. What are the chances? She called us an "icon" and gave us big time kudos which was nice. We explain that we were high school sweethearts (awwwww) and the photographer starts shaking her head saying "stop, you're gonna make me cry!" To which I respond "then can we have the pictures for free?" Didn't work, but I had to try.
Oh yea, there was a game going on too. In the middle of the 8th inning, during the singing of "Sweet Caroline" the heavens opened up and there was a 40 minute rain delay. Being under the press box we stay dry and enjoy seeing throngs of people head under cover. Petty? You bet. You got a problem with that?The Sox lost 2 to 1 on a lousy call by the umpire, who admitted it after the game. It is always fun when you have 35,000 fans screaming at the ump...good way to get rid of your frustrations! So the game ends and we leave to go home...only after I ask the divorce attorney for her card. Nah, not really. You see, my wife and I have always said we would never get divorced, for two reasons; the first is that neither one of us wanted custody of the kids. The second? We can't afford it! Happy Anniversary to all, and to all a good night!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Dog Gone it!
Do any of you own a puppy? Do any of you WANT to own a puppy? We just happen to have one. Only kidding, we paid too much to give the little guy away. But make me an offer. Did I say that out loud?
As some of you know, about a month or so ago we became the proud parents of Archie, a 3 pound Shih Tzu. Of course everyone has fun with the name of the breed because it sounds like, well, it sounds like something Archie is very good at doing. Puppies as a whole do not eat or drink - they refuel. Which makes house training a real pleasure. They live to run around like crazy and "go" wherever possible. I've found that most puppies prefer the rug to a hardwood floor as it makes it more of a challenge for the owner. Because that's what owning a puppy is all about; challenges. I have a theory as to why God made puppies so cute...so when their little accidents happen your're not tempted to throw them out with the "accident".
Archie is a good puppy though. For the most part he sleeps through the night in his kennel. But about three nights a week we hear "whine, whine, whine" which in puppy-speak either means "I have to go outside" or "I already went and don't feel like laying in it all night." Either way it demands your immediate attention. We're trying to bell train him - we have a bell hanging off of the front door handle and every time we bring him out we ring the bell with his paw. He actually rang the bell earlier today and when I turned around to look he was eating it. He loves toys and he thinks this is just another one. I try telling him what it is for but he just looks at me and tilts his head. You know, the way that all dogs do when you talk gibberish to them? Did you know that gibberish is an actual language from the country Gibber? It is one of the countries that emerged when the Soviet Union dissolved. Don't bother looking it up, though...just don't.
Our older dog Lily wants nothing to do with this wild thing we call Archie. When Archie sees her he goes crazy, jumping straight up in the air like a gazelle to play with her. She retaliates by growling and snapping at him...rather unladylike. So we have to keep them separated. I can't blame Lily because she has owned the house for over 14 years, and to share it with, well, with a wild thing is NOT her idea of a good time. Everyone keeps telling me that she will lighten up and things will get better. Okay, how about you come over to referee a few rounds and give my wife and I a break?
Archie is easily distracted when outside to do his business. He could be all set to make it happen (after smelling miles of grass and finding the proper spot) when a car comes by and all of the progress made up to that point goes away as he watches the car, and forgets what he was doing. A word to our neighbors - I will be putting spike strips on either end of our road when the dog is outside. Don't say you haven't been warned. And if you want to get by you will have to ring a bell. Hey, if it's good enough for my dog it's good enough for you!
Archie is a good puppy though. For the most part he sleeps through the night in his kennel. But about three nights a week we hear "whine, whine, whine" which in puppy-speak either means "I have to go outside" or "I already went and don't feel like laying in it all night." Either way it demands your immediate attention. We're trying to bell train him - we have a bell hanging off of the front door handle and every time we bring him out we ring the bell with his paw. He actually rang the bell earlier today and when I turned around to look he was eating it. He loves toys and he thinks this is just another one. I try telling him what it is for but he just looks at me and tilts his head. You know, the way that all dogs do when you talk gibberish to them? Did you know that gibberish is an actual language from the country Gibber? It is one of the countries that emerged when the Soviet Union dissolved. Don't bother looking it up, though...just don't.
Our older dog Lily wants nothing to do with this wild thing we call Archie. When Archie sees her he goes crazy, jumping straight up in the air like a gazelle to play with her. She retaliates by growling and snapping at him...rather unladylike. So we have to keep them separated. I can't blame Lily because she has owned the house for over 14 years, and to share it with, well, with a wild thing is NOT her idea of a good time. Everyone keeps telling me that she will lighten up and things will get better. Okay, how about you come over to referee a few rounds and give my wife and I a break?
Archie is easily distracted when outside to do his business. He could be all set to make it happen (after smelling miles of grass and finding the proper spot) when a car comes by and all of the progress made up to that point goes away as he watches the car, and forgets what he was doing. A word to our neighbors - I will be putting spike strips on either end of our road when the dog is outside. Don't say you haven't been warned. And if you want to get by you will have to ring a bell. Hey, if it's good enough for my dog it's good enough for you!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
'Tis The (allergy) Season
Welcome one and all to Allergy Season. That time of the year where you may feel okay but your face looks like someone just pepper-sprayed you. You know, runny nose, watery eyes, foaming at the mouth...all telltale signs that something is just not right. And all you did was walk outside - it just ain't fair. Luckily there are well over a thousand products on the market to take care of the symptoms. (Side note: if you ARE foaming at the mouth, might I recommend a quick trip to the ER? I would give you a ride but I'm busy that day.)
I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject of allergies. Anyone that knows me knows that I have had 5 surgeries on my sinuses (what's left of them anyway) mostly caused by, you guessed it, allergies. I figure with all of my experiences over the past 35 plus years with allergy symptoms, doctor visits and operations, I am one college course short of being a board certified Otolaryngologist. However, a number of years ago my allergist gave me a diagnosis that no one has ever heard of. It seems I have Samter's Syndrome. Samter's Syndrome is the combination of three symptoms, which are nasal polyps, an allergy to aspirin, and asthma. Of course there is no cure for this syndrome. My first reaction to this was "then why even call it a syndrome?" All I keep thinking is that guy back in the 1920's probably made a lot of money by lumping together three symptoms. Then I started identifying things and creating my own syndromes. Here's one: a couch, coffee table and recliner...Furniture Syndrome. Or, a dirty diaper, projectile vomiting and a 3 AM feeding...Baby Syndrome. Okay, now where's MY money?
Allergies are funny things. You can be allergic to the environment, animals, food or drugs to name a few. (Side note - I just sneezed...you can't make this stuff up! Well, maybe you can, but this time it was true!) I can claim ownership to all four. Supposedly I am allergic to dust, most animals that have fur, strawberries and aspirin. So a bad day for me would consist of being licked by a German Shepherd while eating strawberry shortcake laced with aspirin in a dirty house. Out of all of those things I am allergic to, I'll bet that most of you are saying "wow, he can't eat strawberries?" I haven't had one since I was five years old and became one big hive. Of course no one cares that if I had an aspirin it is an instant trip to the ER...maybe because I could not give you a ride when you foaming at the mouth. You know what they say about payback...
It is interesting to note that most of my allergy problems began a few years after high school, around 1977...July of 1977...July 29, 1977. A pure coincidence that I was married on that day. I have to go now, it is dinner time. What's that honey? We're having a mystery dessert tonight? Hmmm, I wonder what it could be...
Allergies are funny things. You can be allergic to the environment, animals, food or drugs to name a few. (Side note - I just sneezed...you can't make this stuff up! Well, maybe you can, but this time it was true!) I can claim ownership to all four. Supposedly I am allergic to dust, most animals that have fur, strawberries and aspirin. So a bad day for me would consist of being licked by a German Shepherd while eating strawberry shortcake laced with aspirin in a dirty house. Out of all of those things I am allergic to, I'll bet that most of you are saying "wow, he can't eat strawberries?" I haven't had one since I was five years old and became one big hive. Of course no one cares that if I had an aspirin it is an instant trip to the ER...maybe because I could not give you a ride when you foaming at the mouth. You know what they say about payback...
It is interesting to note that most of my allergy problems began a few years after high school, around 1977...July of 1977...July 29, 1977. A pure coincidence that I was married on that day. I have to go now, it is dinner time. What's that honey? We're having a mystery dessert tonight? Hmmm, I wonder what it could be...
Friday, May 3, 2013
Up, Up and Away...
Do you like to fly or are you one of the people that start panting in fear when you so much as look at a travel brochure? You all have heard the statistics about flying; how you are more apt to get into a car accident on the way to the airport than to be involved in a airline mishap. According to "Anxieties.com" (yes, there is a website called Anxieties.com...I would have referred to the website in earlier blogs but I was too anxious to do so) in order for airline travel to equal the mortality rate of driving, a sold out 727 jet would have to crash every day of the year, with no survivors, to equal the number of deaths in a year on our roads. What a happy thought!
So we have established that flying is much safer than driving. Yes, I know that if your airplane crashes into the side of a mountain chances are you won't be going grocery shopping the next day. Every now and then you hear or read something that makes you question the statistics, or even the pilots flying these machines. We recently came back from a trip to Washington, DC and over the speaker system he said "ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our decent into the Hartford area". I looked at my wife and said "the Hartford AREA? What's he going to do, pick a random spot and try to land?" These are the things that people can point to when they are shaking in their boots before a trip. Luckily I am here to help. But not right now.
I was in the airport looking out the window at a plane that had just landed and taxied in to its parking spot. Then a mechanism called a Jet Bridge, totally on its own, wheels its way to the plane door, attaches itself, then sucks the passengers out of the plane. Don't tell me that's not how it's done, I saw it with my own eyes. You wonder why passengers coming into the airport from the plane all look the way they do? It has nothing to do with the flight; it has EVERYTHING to do with how they are forced to disembark! Just another reason to dislike flying.
Have you ever heard the old joke about the cut-rate airline (of which there are none anymore...bought a ticket lately)? The shortened version of the joke: a flight attendant comes over the loud speaker and says "we have just lost all of our engines and will have to crash in the ocean. Those of you who can swim please line up on the left side of the plane and prepare to jump. And those of you who cannot? Thank you for flying Cut Rate Airlines". I was on a plane a while back and the pilot announced "we have lost one of our engines but not to worry. We still have 3 engines left which is more than enough to get us to our destination. But it will take us 1/2 hour longer to get there." He then announced "ladies and gentlemen we have lost another engine but no problem, two engines are more than enough to get us to the airport. But it will take about an hour longer than normal." A few minutes later the pilot said "well, we have just lost the third engine, however the planes are designed to fly with only one engine. But now we will be 2 hours late." I turned to my wife and said "I hope we don't lose the last engine, we'll be up here all day!" Yea, I know, lame!
So get out there and take off into the wild blue yonder, now that you see there is no reason to be afraid of flying. Actually that is not totally true, as there is one part of flying everyone fears even before you go to the airport, and it involves your wallet. The airlines have devised an invisible Jet Bridge that attaches to your credit card and sucks out the money...be afraid, be very afraid!
So we have established that flying is much safer than driving. Yes, I know that if your airplane crashes into the side of a mountain chances are you won't be going grocery shopping the next day. Every now and then you hear or read something that makes you question the statistics, or even the pilots flying these machines. We recently came back from a trip to Washington, DC and over the speaker system he said "ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our decent into the Hartford area". I looked at my wife and said "the Hartford AREA? What's he going to do, pick a random spot and try to land?" These are the things that people can point to when they are shaking in their boots before a trip. Luckily I am here to help. But not right now.
I was in the airport looking out the window at a plane that had just landed and taxied in to its parking spot. Then a mechanism called a Jet Bridge, totally on its own, wheels its way to the plane door, attaches itself, then sucks the passengers out of the plane. Don't tell me that's not how it's done, I saw it with my own eyes. You wonder why passengers coming into the airport from the plane all look the way they do? It has nothing to do with the flight; it has EVERYTHING to do with how they are forced to disembark! Just another reason to dislike flying.
Have you ever heard the old joke about the cut-rate airline (of which there are none anymore...bought a ticket lately)? The shortened version of the joke: a flight attendant comes over the loud speaker and says "we have just lost all of our engines and will have to crash in the ocean. Those of you who can swim please line up on the left side of the plane and prepare to jump. And those of you who cannot? Thank you for flying Cut Rate Airlines". I was on a plane a while back and the pilot announced "we have lost one of our engines but not to worry. We still have 3 engines left which is more than enough to get us to our destination. But it will take us 1/2 hour longer to get there." He then announced "ladies and gentlemen we have lost another engine but no problem, two engines are more than enough to get us to the airport. But it will take about an hour longer than normal." A few minutes later the pilot said "well, we have just lost the third engine, however the planes are designed to fly with only one engine. But now we will be 2 hours late." I turned to my wife and said "I hope we don't lose the last engine, we'll be up here all day!" Yea, I know, lame!
So get out there and take off into the wild blue yonder, now that you see there is no reason to be afraid of flying. Actually that is not totally true, as there is one part of flying everyone fears even before you go to the airport, and it involves your wallet. The airlines have devised an invisible Jet Bridge that attaches to your credit card and sucks out the money...be afraid, be very afraid!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Spring? Not Quite yet...
Springtime in New England. This is the time of year where I begin to wonder if the warmer temperatures will ever find their way back to New England. As you probably know, I am not a fan of winter. I would be perfectly happy with three seasons, spring, summer and fall. Actually just summer would be fine with me. I'm always amazed at people who like winter. People that live up north by the Canadian border must love winter. They live where, speaking of three seasons, they only have two seasons; winter and the Fourth of July. Don't ask me why I still live in Eastern Connecticut...I know it's not because of the winter!
I have a wood stove and I just ordered what I hope is my last load of firewood. It is sitting outside my basement door in the driveway like a life size Jenga game. You know, that game that you stack the wooden pieces up and then try to remove a piece without toppling the pile? That's what I attempt to do every time I go to bring wood into the house. I take about 8 pieces in at a time, and dodge the wood that is falling at (or on) my feet at about 132 MPH. I'm normally quite good at it - after all, I've had over 30 years of practice, and relatively few broken bones to show for it. If you ever hear of a life size Jenga tournament let me know.
Everyone is good at something and, speaking of games, I LOVE Whack-A-Mole. This has nothing to do with winter, other than the fact that you cannot normally play this game in the winter as it is a game that is most often found at an outdoor carnival. After winning the game thousands of times (give or take) people have come up to me to ask "what's your secret?" My reply? Just think of the moles as someone you are not very fond of, and whack away. That's not what I do, but it's fun watching them walk away formulating the list of potential "victims" in their heads. Losers. Did I say that out loud?
There is a light at the end of the winter tunnel. This week had one of my favorite holidays - Opening Day of Baseball, so summer can't be too far behind. And all is right with the world because the Red Sox beat the Yankees. (Baseball fans with opposing viewpoints can write their own blog.) At least the Sox won't go 0-162 this year. After the last two seasons one never knows.
So hang in there folks, soon you will be whining about the humidity and heat. But not me, I do my best whining in the wintertime...now THERE'S a reason to be glad winter is coming to an end!
I have a wood stove and I just ordered what I hope is my last load of firewood. It is sitting outside my basement door in the driveway like a life size Jenga game. You know, that game that you stack the wooden pieces up and then try to remove a piece without toppling the pile? That's what I attempt to do every time I go to bring wood into the house. I take about 8 pieces in at a time, and dodge the wood that is falling at (or on) my feet at about 132 MPH. I'm normally quite good at it - after all, I've had over 30 years of practice, and relatively few broken bones to show for it. If you ever hear of a life size Jenga tournament let me know.
Everyone is good at something and, speaking of games, I LOVE Whack-A-Mole. This has nothing to do with winter, other than the fact that you cannot normally play this game in the winter as it is a game that is most often found at an outdoor carnival. After winning the game thousands of times (give or take) people have come up to me to ask "what's your secret?" My reply? Just think of the moles as someone you are not very fond of, and whack away. That's not what I do, but it's fun watching them walk away formulating the list of potential "victims" in their heads. Losers. Did I say that out loud?
There is a light at the end of the winter tunnel. This week had one of my favorite holidays - Opening Day of Baseball, so summer can't be too far behind. And all is right with the world because the Red Sox beat the Yankees. (Baseball fans with opposing viewpoints can write their own blog.) At least the Sox won't go 0-162 this year. After the last two seasons one never knows.
So hang in there folks, soon you will be whining about the humidity and heat. But not me, I do my best whining in the wintertime...now THERE'S a reason to be glad winter is coming to an end!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Weather or Not
I'm sitting here all nice and warm in our house looking outside at the Winter Wonderland that God has provided us here in eastern Connecticut. I'm sure this was an answer to prayer for someone (some lunatic skier perhaps), but it certainly was not for me! We have at least two feet of snow and counting, which is about 24 inches too much. Welcome to the record books...this is one of the largest winter storms ever to hit the Eastern US. And so, since I am a weather aficionado (which is only one college course from a Meteorologist) I feel compelled to talk about the weather.
Time to shovel. My wife bought me the orange jacket & pants just in case I fell off the roof; she would have a better chance of finding me. At least I THINK that's why she bought it for me. Come to think of it, this is the exact same outfit that the state prisoners wear during the winter. It's possible that she has already called the police, reported an escaped prisoner, and they could be on their way as we speak. So I'll have to type fast to make sure I get this done just in case. I hung the orange outfit in the basement to dry but I'm sure they would find it and that would be the end of me. However, I'm betting that my wife did not call the police...you see, I'm not quite done shoveling yet.
Because the snow is over 20 inches taller than our dog Lily she decided not to go out until I shoveled a path for her. Wimp. It took me about 20 minutes (one minute per inch of snow...a snow blower I ain't) but I finally shoveled a path into our front yard so Lily could do her thing. We let her out, she ran down the stairs, ran to the end of the path (which took her all of 2 seconds), turned around and said "are ya kiddin' me?" I just shut the door. She turned around and proceeded to do what she does best in the winter, produce some yellow snow. Yay Lily! Then, because of the snow, she came in the house all white...she also went out of the house all white...white dogs tend to do that.
Many people are beginning to give up with this winter weather. Even vehicles are giving up. I looked outside this morning and both of our vehicles had their windshield wipers raised in the air...for those of you that don't know, this is a vehicle's sign that they have given up. It's kind of like you raising your arms in the air during a bank robbery. Unless of course YOU are the one robbing the bank in which case your arms should not be in the air. If you weren't aware of this then you should not be robbing banks. May I suggest taking up a different profession...like politics. Never mind, basically the same line of business.
Let's take a look at the long range forecast. Since last week was Groundhog Day (what other rodent has its own day?), according to Punxsutawney Phil who is the world's leading prognosticator of all things weather, we should all be getting out our swim gear because Spring is right around the corner. How about this, Phil? How about you grab a shovel to help me clear over 24 inches of "Spring Is Right Around The Corner"!
Now if you'll excuse me I have to outside to go tell my vehicles that everything will be all right.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Friendly Advice
Blogging material can come to you in a number of ways. You can receive it by divine inspiration (yes, I said that with a straight face), you can use life's experiences, and you can also ask others for it. The first two don't require an awful lot of effort because you either got it or you ain't. The last, however, takes a bit of effort and courage on your part because you are basically at the mercy of someone else's thoughts and suggestions. So I decided I was going to give it a shot and take the biggest risk known to blogkind (that's mankind in Blogspeak) and write exclusively about subjects that others suggested. I took the plunge recently and on Facebook asked what I should write about. Here goes, Norwich Rose!
I decided not to use anyone's real name to protect the innocent...although after reading some of the Facebook comments there weren't too many innocent people out there - you know who you are!
Enitsirhc chimed in first and thinks I should write about THE FLU. Really? How do you make a subject like the flu funny? Make sure it's something you don't catch. If you do get the flu and go to the doctor's office, leave immediately if the office plants are dead. And if you do decide to stay to see the doctor and she says that your cough sounds bad, scold her by telling her you have been practicing all night. (Read that sentence again, you'll get it...the joke, not the flu!)
Dahc suggested the subject of youth and the difference between the generations...deep! I could go the old joke route and say something like "back in my day on the East side of Norwich we walked to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways". I actually did walk to school up to the third grade, and it was about 3/4 of a mile. And back then it snowed from early September through the middle of June...every day...only while we were walking...it still amazes me to this day.
Treb gave a number of ideas. One dovetails with my walking to school story, and that is where did winter go? True! It seemed like way, way, way back then there was always ice on the ponds - not so much anymore. I think someone in the 1970's lost the recipe. I used to love winter. Now I can barely tolerate it. And, no, it wasn't I who lost the recipe - I can think of nothing more fun than to be out on the ice, slipping and sliding, you know, breaking parts of your body that should never be broken. At least if that were to happen you get to stay in a warm hospital room...next to someone with the flu.
Yhtak mentioned a story on how to buy the right snow blower. If you have been reading my blogs from the beginning (and who hasn't?) you will know that I got blamed for the horrific winter snows we got two years ago because I did not purchase a snow blower. The theory? Had I purchased a snow blower it would have stopped it from snowing. I'll bet you had no idea that I hold that kind of power!
Cram stayed on the same theme and said that the subject should be the benefits of moving to Florida and never having to shovel snow again. Here's what I think...I could absolutely handle that! Got an extra room down there Cram?
Ekim went all political on me and when he was done he ended by saying that his thoughts on the subject would not be published anyway. Yup, you're right Ekim, even though I agreed with them!
I once wrote a blog about music, and in it mentioned my least favorite song of all time, Maggie May by Rod Stewart. My "friend" Yttap brings it up every time I hear from her...bless her heart! Her actual suggestion? Write about Rod Stewart's favorite song. Nice try, pal!
There were other suggestions but if I used them all this would not be a blog, it would be a book. Well, this experiment proves one thing - that people read the status updates in Facebook. I want to personally thank each and every one of the people that made comments that I was able to use in this blog. I'll think of you all the next time I am walking to school, uphill, both ways, pushing a snow blower, humming Maggie May while thinking about the political ramifications of not having winter...with the flu.
I decided not to use anyone's real name to protect the innocent...although after reading some of the Facebook comments there weren't too many innocent people out there - you know who you are!
Enitsirhc chimed in first and thinks I should write about THE FLU. Really? How do you make a subject like the flu funny? Make sure it's something you don't catch. If you do get the flu and go to the doctor's office, leave immediately if the office plants are dead. And if you do decide to stay to see the doctor and she says that your cough sounds bad, scold her by telling her you have been practicing all night. (Read that sentence again, you'll get it...the joke, not the flu!)
Dahc suggested the subject of youth and the difference between the generations...deep! I could go the old joke route and say something like "back in my day on the East side of Norwich we walked to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways". I actually did walk to school up to the third grade, and it was about 3/4 of a mile. And back then it snowed from early September through the middle of June...every day...only while we were walking...it still amazes me to this day.
Treb gave a number of ideas. One dovetails with my walking to school story, and that is where did winter go? True! It seemed like way, way, way back then there was always ice on the ponds - not so much anymore. I think someone in the 1970's lost the recipe. I used to love winter. Now I can barely tolerate it. And, no, it wasn't I who lost the recipe - I can think of nothing more fun than to be out on the ice, slipping and sliding, you know, breaking parts of your body that should never be broken. At least if that were to happen you get to stay in a warm hospital room...next to someone with the flu.
Yhtak mentioned a story on how to buy the right snow blower. If you have been reading my blogs from the beginning (and who hasn't?) you will know that I got blamed for the horrific winter snows we got two years ago because I did not purchase a snow blower. The theory? Had I purchased a snow blower it would have stopped it from snowing. I'll bet you had no idea that I hold that kind of power!
Cram stayed on the same theme and said that the subject should be the benefits of moving to Florida and never having to shovel snow again. Here's what I think...I could absolutely handle that! Got an extra room down there Cram?
Ekim went all political on me and when he was done he ended by saying that his thoughts on the subject would not be published anyway. Yup, you're right Ekim, even though I agreed with them!
I once wrote a blog about music, and in it mentioned my least favorite song of all time, Maggie May by Rod Stewart. My "friend" Yttap brings it up every time I hear from her...bless her heart! Her actual suggestion? Write about Rod Stewart's favorite song. Nice try, pal!
There were other suggestions but if I used them all this would not be a blog, it would be a book. Well, this experiment proves one thing - that people read the status updates in Facebook. I want to personally thank each and every one of the people that made comments that I was able to use in this blog. I'll think of you all the next time I am walking to school, uphill, both ways, pushing a snow blower, humming Maggie May while thinking about the political ramifications of not having winter...with the flu.
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