Here We Snow Again!

 Like the new picture up top?  It's a photo of my car after the last big snowstorm. I went outside to shovel (with no snow blower...more on that to follow) and amazingly there in the snow on the side of my car appeared the web address of my blog!  What are the chances of that I ask you??? 

Okay, so I didn't invent the title of this blog.  I think I saw it on the Weather Channel website.  Now I ask you...have you had it?  Are you sick of winter yet?  As I type this the forecast is calling for temperatures to be below zero at night over the next few days with the coldest air that we've seen in years arriving, oh, in about 10 minutes.  And to top it all off, we're looking at another Nor'easter coming in for late Tuesday and all of Wednesday.  For those of you who aren't familiar with the term "Nor'easter" it is a wicked big storm.  A blizzard.  You know, tons of snow, wind, famine, pestilence, locusts and anything else associated with not having a good time.  And if you've read my previous blogs you are aware that it is all my fault.  Long story short, if I purchase a snow blower the weather will miraculously become sunny and in the 80's overnight.  Two problems with that; first, the cost and second, the availability.  Right now I could either get what is the equivalent of an electric broom or something so monstrous that I could probably drive it to work - the former is too small and the latter would require a mortgage to purchase it.  So the chances are are fairly good that winter will be around for a while.  It will be as if we live up in New Hampshire near the Canadian border where there are only two seasons...winter and the Fourth of July.  So get used to it.

I for one refuse to get used to it.  I've gone on the internet and purchased a dozen palm trees, sun lamps, Hawaiian shirts, and ladies in grass skirts ( I know what you're thinking - is your wife going to be one of those ladies?  She's no lady, she's my wife!  Old joke, yes, but it fits, don't you agree?)  I'm also planning on hiring a contractor to take away all of the snow that surrounds my house and another to build a retractable dome over our property.  And all this has to be done by Tuesday evening.  It could happen!

UPDATE: This just in...I actually went to Home Depot and there was only one snow blower left.  It was around $450 and it looked like a toy.  So I hate to disappoint those of you that despise winter, however if my calculations are correct winter ain't going anywhere soon.  I can't apologize enough to all of you so I won't even try!  But, to those of you that love the winter I ask three things of you; first, that you enjoy yourselves in this winter wonderland...second, that you forgo one ski trip and donate the money you save to the "Let's End Winter And Give Money To Tom So He Can Buy A Snow Blower" fund...and third, get back on your meds because you obviously have some serious issues - just sayin'.

By the way, the "Let's End Winter And Give Money To Tom So He Can Buy A Snow Blower" fund is a non-profit fund...aptly named as no one has contributed so because of that there is NO PROFIT to be had!

Enjoy the winter.  Oh, they're here...right this way ladies!

Regarding Communication & Purses

Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that no one is talking anymore?  The younger you are the more likely that you no longer communicate verbally.  And who needs to?  First came the fax machine, then later on email, chat rooms, online chats, and my favorite of all, texting!  What brilliant mind thought of texting???  Why do something that takes 17 times longer* to do than actually talk...and more physical effort to boot? (*Statistics prove that the average texter takes 17 times longer to text something than to actually speak the words.  Of course I just made that up but it sounds good.)  Also, statistics show that 22% of statistics out there are wrong anyway...so where does that leave this?  Probably back to square one because I made that up too.  Don't like it?  Then get your own blog.

But I digress.  Just in case you think I don't know what I am talking about, consider this example.  A few weeks ago I called my son and he knew who it was before he answered his cell phone - not because of caller ID, but because he said that I am one of the few people that actually CALL him on the phone rather than texting. Remember when a phone was used for calling?  I still have no flipping idea how to operate my wife's Blackberry.  When it rings I now pick it up by two fingers, careful not to touch any of the buttons on the front or sides of the phone...you see, I have already hung up on people merely by touching the stupid thing.  Then I give it to my wife because I don't want to have anything else to do with it.  Kind of like her purse - oh boy, here we go!!!  Guys, you'll back me up on this one I know!

Your wife asks you (via text of course) to get something out of her purse.  YIKES!!!  THE DREADED PURSE!!! I used to rifle through the thing and, of course, not find what she needs.  Then I would bring the purse to her and she would find the thing immediately!  I stopped attempting to find things in her purse years ago - if she asks me to get her something (again via text because no one talks anymore) I will bring the purse to her and let HER find whatever it is she needs.  The purse, or pocketbook (where did THAT name come from?) is an interesting animal.  They come in a number of sizes from a "clutch", which to a woman is a small purse (and to a guy it's an important car part), to a bag that is put over the shoulder that's so big it touches the ground even when worn over the shoulder.  And the amazing part of all this is......wait for it......they all can carry the same amount of stuff no matter what the size of the purse!  You KNOW I'm right!  It defies physics.  Studies have been conducted at MIT, UCONN and Harvard and no one has been able to find out why this is.  These things have so many hidden compartments in them that they are downright scary.  And again the size of the purse doesn't matter.  In her purse my wife keeps a photo album, all kinds of makeup, personal items (nuf said about that), snacks, gum, gloves, cell phones, glasses, wallet, keys, chainsaw, gun, knives, brass knuckles, mace, and oh yes, chapstick.

Now you know why I don't like going into her purse...and also why I am nice to her at all times.

Winter? Bah Humbug II

Let's see, roughly 16 inches of snow and counting.  The good news is that work was cancelled today - the bad news?  Shoveling. If my calculations are correct, which is iffy, I will have roughly 3,375 cubic feet of snow to shovel.  Did I tell you I almost bought a snow blower?  Ah, why bother, we won't get much snow this winter.  However, had I actually purchased a snow blower we would have had only a dusting of snow today, so go ahead and blame the storm on me...and any more storms that occur this winter.  I'll let you know if and when I buy a snow blower because that will usher in an early spring.  I'll be like the Punxsutawney Phil  of Connecticut, only rather than seeing my shadow and having six more weeks of winter, the day I take the snow blower home the temperature will soar to record levels.  Of course they can be expensive so if you want to see winter come to an end you can donate to the "Let's End Winter And Give Money To Tom So He Can Buy A Snow Blower" fund.  It's not a guarantee that we will have no more storms...it's a gamble, kinda like the lottery.  When is the last time you won big in the lottery?  See, you have just as much chance with me as you do with the lottery.  Of course if you actually LIKE winter just disregard this - then double up on your meds because you obviously need them!

As a kid I loved winter...but as we all know kids have little or no sense so that explains it.  My friend has his 2 1/2 year old granddaughter here and this is the first snow she has seen so that is exciting.  Four years ago we had friends from Florida here and their 9 year old daughter had never experienced snow so she had a ball.  While they were here I slipped on the back steps and broke my hand - she, who had never been in the snow before was fine but I, born & brought up here, break my hand.  More on that in a future blog so stay tuned.

So, broken bones...just another reason to LOVE the winter.  Not to mention things like power outages, driving in the snow, and having to shovel a path for our 10 pound Shih-Tzu Lily to do her duty outside.  And SHE decides when that will be.  So far this morning she hasn't asked to go out but when she does you'd better hop to it.  I'm thinking of strapping a small shovel onto her collar and sending her out to shovel her own path.  The only problem I see is that she is only about 8 inches tall and the snow is double that in depth right now.  That may border on animal cruelty and since I'm not that mean she has a reprieve, at least for this storm...but I am working on a prototype dog shovel as we speak, and buying her an orange dog suit - then we can be twins!

Every snow storm I let Lily out in she comes in all white.  Which is interesting because for those of you who don't know my dog personally she goes out all white too...fascinating!

Winter? Bah Humbug.

It snowed here today.  And I had to do a little shoveling (see pic above).  My wife bought me the orange jacket & pants just in case I fell off the roof; she would have a better chance of finding me.  At least I THINK that's why she bought it for me.  Come to think of it, this is the exact same outfit that the state prisoners wear during the winter.  It's possible, but not probable, that she has already called the police, reported an escaped prisoner, and they could be on their way as we speak.  So I'll have to type fast to make sure I get this done just in case.  I hung the orange outfit in the basement to dry but I'm sure they would find it and that would be the end of me.  However, I'm betting that my wife did not call the police...you see, I'm not quite done shoveling yet.

I really hate winter.  So why do I live in New England?  Good question, but since this isn't the question and answer period of the blog save it for later will you?  Years ago I thought it would be a good idea to go to a ski resort to try skiing, so we went with another couple for the weekend.  My buddy was looking at a map at the bottom of the mountain and saw that there was a cross-country path at the top that was about a mile long so we thought "why not"?  Without any lessons, mind you, he and I went on the ski lift and up we went.  Almost at the end I realized that the lift doesn't stop to let you off - so when we got to the top I proceeded to get off and fall on my ars (that's Swedish for butt).  Anyway, I survived that and went to the cross-country path which was nice.  Neither one of us figured out that, since the path was at the top of the mountain we would have to eventually get back to the bottom.  And, I found out, there is no ski lift to bring you DOWN - although I'm thinking of inventing a "ski-drop" for that very purpose. Not only did we find ourselves at the top of a slope but it was an "expert slope" at that.  For those of you who may be unfamiliar with ski terminology slopes go from the "bunny slope", aptly named because it is relatively easy, to the "expert slope".  I found out that the word "expert" translated from the original Greek means "good luck, sucker".

After I beat him over the head with my ski pole, my buddy began to ski down the hill.  He made it...and so were 6 year old children.  So I thought "it can't be THAT hard" and pushed forward - and fell on my ars again.  Sparing you the gory details it took me about 20 minutes to make it down a slope that should have taken a couple of minutes.  The next day we took lessons and the whole skiing thing began to make sense to me...what did I learn?  Not to go skiing again.

Driving Me Crazy

Yea, yea, I know, I didn't do a blog yesterday.  My contract says that I can do one whenever and however often I want (lie). OOOOHHH that MISERABLE LIE THING IS ON AGAIN!  Sometimes I hate this computer...Anyway, thank you for all of the emails, calls, cards, letters, tweets, Facebook postings, etc. asking when my next blog was going to be.  Oh, you say that you didn't call, email, write or tweet? I KNOW!  Where is everyone?!?  Hello?  Is this thing on???

The title of this blog is Driving Me Crazy.  I thought that was an apt title regarding the roads we drive on and in particular the crazy people who inhabit said roads!  To begin with, I noticed something last week...did you know that every car on the road today has at least one person in it?  I can't be sure about the trucks because they are so high off the road but if I had to guess I'd say there was someone in those as well. Quite the amazing discovery I thought.  Just sayin...

I was all set to write about all of the stupid things people do behind the wheel but after writing two paragraphs of stuff I noticed it wasn't very funny.  And after I typed it all I began getting road rage just sitting here!  So I may at a later date tackle that subject when I can figure out how to make it funny explaining what ignorant, moronic, stupid, dense, oblivious jerks do on the road.  But in the meantime, turn off your high beams will ya?!?

A few Random Thoughts (catchy, eh?) about driving. Have you ever noticed that when you pass a vehicle or another vehicle passes you that their car makes noise and yours doesn't?  Tomorrow's homework assignment...roll down your window (in what is supposed to be a snowstorm here) and listen as another vehicle drives by.  How about that, I'm right aren't I???  Also, have you ever driven over one of the strips or bumpers that counts the vehicles on the road?  And have you ever driven over one on a road that you know you will never drive on again, then feel guilty that your car got counted?  You have?  Man, get a life!

But my favorite all time thing on the road is on most highways - it is the big traffic signs above the highways that light up with a message such as "Traffic backed up from Exit 16 to Exit 22", or "Accident ahead, left lane closed".  You probably never thought of this; however this is why I get paid the big bucks, to figure out things like this (lie). Arrrgh!!!  Anyway, whoever the sadistic person is that controls these signs is the one that causes these incidents to occur.  Yes, while you thought that these signs are to warn us of impending danger, they actually CREATE the problems.  Why is it that they are always right?  Because some nut is sitting in a nice warm room somewhere thinking of things to happen.  Then he merely types it in, posts it on these signs and voila (pronounced ta-dah!) the backup or accident occurs.  I don't know if this is a state or a federal job...my guess is federal because there are a lot of loony tunes in Washington that are qualified for the position, but that's for another blog.  


So the next time you see one of these warning signs think of this blog, then curse "the person behind the curtain" for causing whatever backup awaits.  So tell me now, aren't you glad that are reading this?  I guarantee you that you won't find insight like this anywhere else - no need thank me.  Just let me know you are breathing out there, okay?!?  OH, the phone!!! Dang, wrong number...

Lunar Eclipse

We recently had a Lunar Eclipse here in the northeast and I was able to take some photos.  Amazingly enough, during the height of the eclipse, I was able to capture the above picture.  And it was taken with only a zoom lens on a hand-held Nikon digital camera.  I am currently having it authenticated by two of the most important entities known to man: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration, and my wife.  At least I  have a chance with one of them...yup, can't wait to hear back from NASA.

I for one was thrilled when I took this photo - what are the chances of catching a real live martian?  And I'm sure most of you are assuming this photo came from the moon...silly rabbits!  This was a picture of Mars, thus the martian. Otherwise it would have been a picture of a moontian, and who has ever heard of a moontian?  I hate to brag but no one else out there but me knows that only during a total lunar eclipse can one take a clear picture of Mars with a hand-held zoom lens Nikon digital camera.  And what an incredible coincidence to catch a glimpse of a martian!  How Serendipitous!  (For those of you that are "globally challenged" - a term coined by my wife by the way - Serendipitous is the name of the moon that orbits Mars...take my word for it, DON'T LOOK IT UP!)  So a bit of Mars education there, free of charge.

I can tell many of you out there are still unbelievers.  You want answers?  You think you're entitled?  You want ANSWERS? You want THE TRUTH?  YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! Whew, sorry, I got a bit carried away there.  If you ARE looking for proof look no further than the ultimate authority on the subject of martians, Bugs Bunny.

I hear Mars is also a candy bar.  And the only way a moon can orbit a Mars candy bar is, well, if someone were to drop their pants and...oh, never mind.

Bathroom Blog

This is a photo of a very sick Mr. Colgate.  I found Mr. Colgate a while back looking like this.  My friend Jeremy said that Mr. Colgate had too much mint mojitos the night before.

Okay ladies, what is the funniest room in the house?  Noooo, it's not the bedroom, and shame on you for suggesting such a thing!  It of course is the bathroom.  My question though is this; why is it named "bathroom"?  If the Living Room is where you live, supposedly, and the Dining Room is where you dine...following that same logic shouldn't the Bathroom be named, oh I don't know, the $&@# Room?!?  Granted, most bathrooms have bath tubs but ALL of them have toilets, right?  Even a half-bath has a toilet.  Half-bath?  Who came up with THAT name?  Maybe the inventor of the toilet, Sir Thomas Crapper!  Okay he didn't actually invent it but he popularized it.  I think if that was my last name I would have picked a different profession other than a plumber.  But that's just me...

Speaking of inventing, I did invent a toilet bowl cleaner that is guaranteed to work, even better than those fancy blue water ones everyone has.  My invention?  Instead of the toilet bowl cleaner turning the water blue, mine turns the water yellow.  That way when company comes over and uses the toilet they see that the water is yellow (the whole time cursing the guy that was in there before them because we all know it had to be a guy, right?  hang in there ladies, you'll get yours too).  Then they flush the toilet and the water comes back yellow again. By that time they think there is something wrong with the toilet and they leave without using it, thus keeping it clean!  BRILLIANT!

There is some Bathroom Etiquette (yup, had to look that word up) that needs to be adhered to.  First and foremost, toilet paper - it had better be there when you need it.  Women are better at checking this out beforehand than men are for obvious reasons.  A guy will look around after the fact and say "crap!" (I'm paraphrasing here but the word still works.)  Then he'll grab anything that's not nailed down and use that...then it becomes a great story to tell to his buddies later on!  Also, do you shake someone's hands after he or she has just exited the bathroom?  If their hand is still wet, well, doesn't it make you wonder?  ew...

Bathrooms should also be as loud as possible.  There's nothing worse than a very quiet bathroom and a very, shall we say, noisy visit.  It's not quite as bad in a public restroom - wait a minute - restroom? When's the last time you went to a public toilet to REST?  But I digress...there's a good chance that the others in the RESTroom won't know who you are or will never see you again so noise doesn't much matter there.  But at home, make sure your bathroom exhaust fan sounds like the beginning lap of the Indy 500.  I had a small jet engine installed in ours - not only is it plenty noisy but it will also dry a load of laundry in about 20 seconds as long as it is hanging on the shower curtain rod...which is another pet peeve of mine. That brings me to one of the most baffling things about public rest rooms...WOMEN! (Told you you'd get yours!)

I challenge anyone on Planet Earth to refute what I'm about to say.  Women go to the bathroom in HERDS!  WHY IS THAT?!?  Not only do they go to the bathroom in herds, once they are there they complain that there is a line to get in...WELL??? If you didn't go to the bathroom in herds there wouldn't BE a line in there, now would there??? DUH!

Also, NEVER break or sprain whatever hand or arm you use the most, meaning if you are right-handed don't break your right hand or arm.  Those of you who have already done so will empathize with what I'm about to say - let's see, how to put this delicately - performing normal functions in the bathroom no longer are normal.  They are downright awkward!  Having to use your other hand, and possibly having to move your other cheek, you know?  Not much fun.  About 4 years ago I broke my right hand and, yes, I'm right handed.  (Actually I've broken my right hand as well as my right arm, but that's a story for a differnt blog.) Anyway, everything changes in the bathroom: brushing your teeth, combing your hair (or lack thereof...again, another blog) wiping, well, wiping, you know.  And wiping is the worst!  Just take my word for it, don't break anything!

I always find myself in a bit of a rush so I've found a unique way of saving time in the bathroom - instead of taking the time to go over to the sink to wash my handsI merely dunk my hands in the toilet then dry them off.  A definite time saver!  And in case you think I'm disgusting doing that, I'm not...I flush the toilet first of course.

Now you know why I always smile while shaking hands.

Random Thoughts

You see, the nice thing about a blog called Random Thoughts is that you can ramble on with absurdities and it doesn't matter, because the blog, once again for those of you who have fallen asleep, is called Random Thoughts.  No pressure to come up with a theme (although I will sometimes), just have to jot down a few things and leave it at that.

A bit about myself - I was born in 1750 (lie) so I can honestly (lie) comment on virtually anything that has happened over the past 260 plus years.  And since you can't argue with experience, I can be fairly certain that no one else alive today can have the incite that I can give seeing as how I'm 260 years old (lie).  By the way, ignore the "(lie)" thing that keeps coming up...I know there is a button here to shut that function off but I 
can't locate it (lie).

I plan on commenting on everything from bathrooms (which will require a full page blog) to traffic signs to drivers that don't have any business being on the roads.  For example, I would love to come up with a neon blinking sign that you hang on your vehicle's back window that when lit says "SHUT OFF YOUR HIGH BEAMS YOU MORON!" which of course would be sold with its companion sign "ONLY KIDDING, PLEASE PUT AWAY THE GUN" - but I digress...

Maybe tomorrow will be Bathroom Day.  It might be appropriate since most of us were off for a long weekend and it is the Monday-After-A-Holiday-Weekend which is never good...unless you really love your job. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, sorry, got carried away there.  So we'll see you tomorrow, or whenever I do the next blog.  Let's see, how to end this...hmmmm.

The End.