Bathroom Blog

This is a photo of a very sick Mr. Colgate.  I found Mr. Colgate a while back looking like this.  My friend Jeremy said that Mr. Colgate had too much mint mojitos the night before.

Okay ladies, what is the funniest room in the house?  Noooo, it's not the bedroom, and shame on you for suggesting such a thing!  It of course is the bathroom.  My question though is this; why is it named "bathroom"?  If the Living Room is where you live, supposedly, and the Dining Room is where you dine...following that same logic shouldn't the Bathroom be named, oh I don't know, the $&@# Room?!?  Granted, most bathrooms have bath tubs but ALL of them have toilets, right?  Even a half-bath has a toilet.  Half-bath?  Who came up with THAT name?  Maybe the inventor of the toilet, Sir Thomas Crapper!  Okay he didn't actually invent it but he popularized it.  I think if that was my last name I would have picked a different profession other than a plumber.  But that's just me...

Speaking of inventing, I did invent a toilet bowl cleaner that is guaranteed to work, even better than those fancy blue water ones everyone has.  My invention?  Instead of the toilet bowl cleaner turning the water blue, mine turns the water yellow.  That way when company comes over and uses the toilet they see that the water is yellow (the whole time cursing the guy that was in there before them because we all know it had to be a guy, right?  hang in there ladies, you'll get yours too).  Then they flush the toilet and the water comes back yellow again. By that time they think there is something wrong with the toilet and they leave without using it, thus keeping it clean!  BRILLIANT!

There is some Bathroom Etiquette (yup, had to look that word up) that needs to be adhered to.  First and foremost, toilet paper - it had better be there when you need it.  Women are better at checking this out beforehand than men are for obvious reasons.  A guy will look around after the fact and say "crap!" (I'm paraphrasing here but the word still works.)  Then he'll grab anything that's not nailed down and use that...then it becomes a great story to tell to his buddies later on!  Also, do you shake someone's hands after he or she has just exited the bathroom?  If their hand is still wet, well, doesn't it make you wonder?  ew...

Bathrooms should also be as loud as possible.  There's nothing worse than a very quiet bathroom and a very, shall we say, noisy visit.  It's not quite as bad in a public restroom - wait a minute - restroom? When's the last time you went to a public toilet to REST?  But I digress...there's a good chance that the others in the RESTroom won't know who you are or will never see you again so noise doesn't much matter there.  But at home, make sure your bathroom exhaust fan sounds like the beginning lap of the Indy 500.  I had a small jet engine installed in ours - not only is it plenty noisy but it will also dry a load of laundry in about 20 seconds as long as it is hanging on the shower curtain rod...which is another pet peeve of mine. That brings me to one of the most baffling things about public rest rooms...WOMEN! (Told you you'd get yours!)

I challenge anyone on Planet Earth to refute what I'm about to say.  Women go to the bathroom in HERDS!  WHY IS THAT?!?  Not only do they go to the bathroom in herds, once they are there they complain that there is a line to get in...WELL??? If you didn't go to the bathroom in herds there wouldn't BE a line in there, now would there??? DUH!

Also, NEVER break or sprain whatever hand or arm you use the most, meaning if you are right-handed don't break your right hand or arm.  Those of you who have already done so will empathize with what I'm about to say - let's see, how to put this delicately - performing normal functions in the bathroom no longer are normal.  They are downright awkward!  Having to use your other hand, and possibly having to move your other cheek, you know?  Not much fun.  About 4 years ago I broke my right hand and, yes, I'm right handed.  (Actually I've broken my right hand as well as my right arm, but that's a story for a differnt blog.) Anyway, everything changes in the bathroom: brushing your teeth, combing your hair (or lack thereof...again, another blog) wiping, well, wiping, you know.  And wiping is the worst!  Just take my word for it, don't break anything!

I always find myself in a bit of a rush so I've found a unique way of saving time in the bathroom - instead of taking the time to go over to the sink to wash my handsI merely dunk my hands in the toilet then dry them off.  A definite time saver!  And in case you think I'm disgusting doing that, I'm not...I flush the toilet first of course.

Now you know why I always smile while shaking hands.