There isn't a person alive today that does not love TAXES. Wait a minute...that can't be right. I don't love taxes, and my guess is that you don't love taxes either. Taxes aren't everyone's favorite subject. So why did I name this Everyone's Favorite Subject? It got you to read this far, didn't it?
Taxes and procrastination go hand in hand. Especially when you are pretty certain that you will owe money when your taxes are finally done. The date that you complete your taxes is directly proportional to knowing whether you will be getting money back or not. If your taxes are done on February 1st then you are getting money back. If you are standing in line at the post office at 11:35 PM on April 15th chances are good that you will be sending a check to our illustrious government. Speaking of April 15th, is there any other day in the year that is more despised? If you work in retail maybe December 26th isn't your favorite day because people like me are returning items like the re-gifted Veg-O-Matic we received. (Note to reader - if you know what a Veg-O-Matic is you may be older than you think.) Why didn't the government make the date April 13th? Most people don't like the number 13 anyway so why not add one more reason to hate the number?
I normally do my own taxes. I actually set today aside to begin the arduous process, and even though I am closer to February 1st than I am to April 15th I think I will owe Uncle Sam some moolah. How do I know this? Ever have a gut feeling about something? As I get older (which is a phenomena that my wife claims she does not experience) I find my gut feeling is normally correct. I would be ecstatic to find out that I am wrong in this case but alas I doubt that will happen. So even though the taxes will be done well in advance of the dreaded April 15th deadline chances are good that they will not be mailed out until that date. Deadline...a very apropos way of describing that date - DEADline. Or how about "cutoff"? That one has a nice ring to it too, don't you think? Or how about zero hour, moment of truth, jumping off point, day of judgement, or probably the best way to describe April 15th...THE END.
I have a very good reason why I haven't yet begun doing my taxes and it is all my wife's fault. She is using the laptop computer I use to do the taxes to edit pictures we took at a party last night. That of course is much more important than the pesky taxes. And you know what? I agree with her! Procrastination? Not me. It's all a matter of priorities, my friend.
The whole thing of having to pay taxes to the government drives me crazy anyway. Without getting into political views here, which I'm sure I will at some point in future blogs, don't you think the government should be able to function without taking 85% of our paycheck? Okay, maybe that don't take THAT much but doesn't it seem like it? And what do you get in return? Possibly a repaired pothole on Rt. 95, after of course you have two blown tires from hitting it.
Then there are "deductions". The word sounds like an illegal act. "Deductions - to subtract or take away". Isn't it interesting that the government uses that term to give you back a tiny fraction of what you paid to them? I think that they purposely named them "deductions" to make you think twice about actually taking advantage of them. See how sneaky the government can be? Putting subliminal thoughts in your mind to keep more of your money and to make you feel guilty about taking it back. However, I think I'm giving the government way too much credit - they probably haven't thought the terminology through that thoroughly...yet.
Oh yea, a quick update on my roof. (And you thought you would get through a blog without mention of the weather? It'll happen...just not on this blog!) Most of the snow is off of the southern side of my roof and there is still quite a bit on the northern side. As an aside, I would like to teach you how to tell the difference between the southern side and the northern side of your roof. Just ask your roof a question; if it answers with a drawl then it's the southern side. Anyway, the ice damming is still occurring on the north side, even though there is no snow within 2 feet of the gutters. I'm beginning to think there is someone messing with me because this just isn't right.
Wait a minute - what's that? I'm looking out the window and sure enough there is someone outside jamming ice into the gutters...and they have a name badge on. I can't make out the name but the badge has three letters on it...IRS. Well, THAT figures!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Truck Left!
Yes, my friends, today is an exciting day! Can it be that our friend Punxsutawney Phil, the Weather-prognosticating Groundhog extraordinaire is right in predicting that Spring is almost here?!? Well, if the Boston Red Sox have anything to do with it the answer is yes. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have proof positive that Spring cannot be too far away. You see, there is a tradition in Boston every year of making a big deal out of the departure of the Equipment Truck that harbors the spring training equipment for the team, which delivers it to their facility in Fort Myers, Florida. Now before you poo-poo this (something, by the way, that I don't recommend...it doesn't sound too sanitary) know this; the Equipment Truck departure has a 100% accuracy rating of the prediction of Spring. That old rodent Phil can't boast that kind of record! So you have it on the utmost highest authority that Spring is, well, ready to spring. And what better team than my Boys of Summer, the Boston Red Sox, to lead us into warmer weather.
If the "Departure of the Truck" is not enough indication for you, consider this...I recently purchased a Roof Rake. For those of you not familiar with this product it is basically an 18 inch flat plastic snow shovel at the end of an 18 foot pole. You've undoubtedly heard the expression "I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole"? Well, this pole is 8 feet longer so if you REALLY don't want to touch someone this is your baby! But I digress...so this Roof Rake is used, theoretically, to take the snow off of the area around the gutters of the house to help prevent ice damming. Ice damming is a lovely phenomena which causes your gutters to create one enormous length-of-the-house ice cube capable of sending water back into your home and down your interior walls. I always thought the correct spelling should be Ice Damning but alas this is not the case.
Anyway, the day after I purchased the Roof Rake the temperature went above freezing for the first time in weeks. I think this is purely a coincidence since we have already determined that my not purchasing a snow blower has had absolutely nothing to do with the ferocious winter we're experiencing...even though many of you are still blaming me for this. Let it go people, let it go!!! Back to the Roof Rake - who in their right mind would purchase a product by that name? The guy at the store told me "yep, just throw some of that there grass seed up on your roof, work it in with your Roof Rake and in no time flat you'll have a thatch roof just like them Europeans". I asked him if this would prevent ice damming and he said "heck yea!!!" And come to think of it I've never seen any photos of ice damming thatch roofs. Who knew this is how they work! Of course mowing the roof in the summer would be a tad difficult so I opted not to purchase the seed.
To use the Roof Rake you stand on the ground near your house, place the rake on the roof and then pull it towards you until about 150 pounds of snow comes tumbling down on you like a mini avalanche. Then if you are stupid enough you repeat this process for the next hour or so. The good news? No more ice damming. The bad news? Massive flooding in your basement due to the thousands of pounds of extra snow now around your foundation! I should have gone with my gut reaction of not buying something by the name of "Roof Rake".
I know I will undoubtedly get comments about the Boston Red Sox - actually I have shown great restraint in not mentioning them prior to this blog. So go easy on the comments (you know who you are), as I haven't said anything bad about your team. Yet. (insert smiley face here)
If the "Departure of the Truck" is not enough indication for you, consider this...I recently purchased a Roof Rake. For those of you not familiar with this product it is basically an 18 inch flat plastic snow shovel at the end of an 18 foot pole. You've undoubtedly heard the expression "I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole"? Well, this pole is 8 feet longer so if you REALLY don't want to touch someone this is your baby! But I digress...so this Roof Rake is used, theoretically, to take the snow off of the area around the gutters of the house to help prevent ice damming. Ice damming is a lovely phenomena which causes your gutters to create one enormous length-of-the-house ice cube capable of sending water back into your home and down your interior walls. I always thought the correct spelling should be Ice Damning but alas this is not the case.
Anyway, the day after I purchased the Roof Rake the temperature went above freezing for the first time in weeks. I think this is purely a coincidence since we have already determined that my not purchasing a snow blower has had absolutely nothing to do with the ferocious winter we're experiencing...even though many of you are still blaming me for this. Let it go people, let it go!!! Back to the Roof Rake - who in their right mind would purchase a product by that name? The guy at the store told me "yep, just throw some of that there grass seed up on your roof, work it in with your Roof Rake and in no time flat you'll have a thatch roof just like them Europeans". I asked him if this would prevent ice damming and he said "heck yea!!!" And come to think of it I've never seen any photos of ice damming thatch roofs. Who knew this is how they work! Of course mowing the roof in the summer would be a tad difficult so I opted not to purchase the seed.
To use the Roof Rake you stand on the ground near your house, place the rake on the roof and then pull it towards you until about 150 pounds of snow comes tumbling down on you like a mini avalanche. Then if you are stupid enough you repeat this process for the next hour or so. The good news? No more ice damming. The bad news? Massive flooding in your basement due to the thousands of pounds of extra snow now around your foundation! I should have gone with my gut reaction of not buying something by the name of "Roof Rake".
I know I will undoubtedly get comments about the Boston Red Sox - actually I have shown great restraint in not mentioning them prior to this blog. So go easy on the comments (you know who you are), as I haven't said anything bad about your team. Yet. (insert smiley face here)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Weather or Not
Yes, I'm aware that the word is normally "whether" not "weather" whenst being used in the context of the title of this blog, but I suspect most people in this area will agree that "weather" is more apropos. After my last blog I said to myself that I was not going to write about the weather anymore...then came this ice storm which is part of one of the largest winter storms ever to hit the US. And so, since I am a weather aficionado (which is one college course from a Meteorologist) I feel compelled to continue to talk about the weather. Meteorologist...shouldn't that be the study of meteors? Speaking of meteors, if athletes get athletes foot what do astronauts get? Mistletoe. Look, give me a break, I'm home sick today.
Okay, let me get this out of the way right now...remember when I said it was my fault that the winter is as bad as it is because I didn't buy a snow blower? My sources tell me that this isn't the case. It is because a bunch of little kids prayed to have some snow days off. So you must not blame me anymore. However, this does not mean that you can't still contribute to the "Let's End Winter And Give Money To Tom So He Can Buy A Snow Blower" fund - the still non-profit fund as there are still no profits in it!
Many people are beginning to give up with this winter weather. Even vehicles are giving up. I looked outside this morning and both of our vehicles had their windshield wipers raised in the air...for those of you that don't know, this is a vehicle's sign that they have given up. It's kind of like you raising your arms in the air during a bank robbery. Unless of course YOU are the one robbing the bank in which case your arms should not be in the air. If you weren't aware of this then you should not be robbing banks. May I suggest taking up a different profession...like politics. Oh yea, never mind, basically the same line of business isn't it?
Let's take a look at the long range forecast. Since today is Groundhog Day (what other rodent has its own day?), according to Punxsutawney Phil who is the world's leading prognosticator of all things weather, we should all be getting out our swim gear because Spring is right around the corner. Of course there is never any mention of where "the corner" is; probably somewhere far away. I'm fairly certain that "the corner" is a location on another planet, like Jupiter or Uranus...okay, maybe not on Uranus --- Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Sorry, couldn't resist.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to outside to go tell my vehicles that everything will be all right.
Okay, let me get this out of the way right now...remember when I said it was my fault that the winter is as bad as it is because I didn't buy a snow blower? My sources tell me that this isn't the case. It is because a bunch of little kids prayed to have some snow days off. So you must not blame me anymore. However, this does not mean that you can't still contribute to the "Let's End Winter And Give Money To Tom So He Can Buy A Snow Blower" fund - the still non-profit fund as there are still no profits in it!
Many people are beginning to give up with this winter weather. Even vehicles are giving up. I looked outside this morning and both of our vehicles had their windshield wipers raised in the air...for those of you that don't know, this is a vehicle's sign that they have given up. It's kind of like you raising your arms in the air during a bank robbery. Unless of course YOU are the one robbing the bank in which case your arms should not be in the air. If you weren't aware of this then you should not be robbing banks. May I suggest taking up a different profession...like politics. Oh yea, never mind, basically the same line of business isn't it?
Let's take a look at the long range forecast. Since today is Groundhog Day (what other rodent has its own day?), according to Punxsutawney Phil who is the world's leading prognosticator of all things weather, we should all be getting out our swim gear because Spring is right around the corner. Of course there is never any mention of where "the corner" is; probably somewhere far away. I'm fairly certain that "the corner" is a location on another planet, like Jupiter or Uranus...okay, maybe not on Uranus --- Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Sorry, couldn't resist.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to outside to go tell my vehicles that everything will be all right.
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