Undeniable Truths

Probably about three years ago I began putting notes down on a small yellow pad; gibberish only I could understand.  Kind of my own shorthand of things that just pop into my head.  I don't recommend this, however, because it can be downright dangerous to the rank amateur.  Especially if someone else finds the notes...I understand that in Connecticut there is a Statute that allows the state to haul you away if they find this, so I would caution against this type of action.  I, however, being the adventurous, live-on-the-edge kind of guy continue to do this to this day.  So catch me if you can!

I've noticed that there are many things in this life that are Undeniable Truths...no, not the kinds of things usually associated with the term such as religion (which, by the way, I would be happy to debate - just not right now, okay)?  These are the small, everyday types of things that go unnoticed to the average person.  And since someone should bring them to your attention I felt compelled to be the one to do this.  Hop on, everyone, this could be a bumpy ride!

The first Undeniable Truth is one that was previously mentioned in the world famous "Bathroom Blog" which, if you haven't read it I highly recommend.  I know the guy that wrote it and I STILL recommend it!  Here it is: Women go to the bathroom in herds.  There I said it. If you want an explanation see the previously cited blog. Can we all move on now?

The next concerns those plastic containers such as Tupperware.  They never dry!  Have you ever washed one and left it in the strainer to dry?  Or taken one out of the dishwasher after the dry cycle ended?  It is still wet!  A few years ago I went away for almost three months.  (Did I actually go away?  Of course not.) But when I returned there were a few dishes in the strainer and, you guessed it, a Tupperware container that was still wet. I can't explain it, I only report it.

How about computers?  You go to log off and what pops up? A box that says "do you really want to log off?"  Nah, not really, what was I thinking?  I am not very fond of inanimate objects suggesting what I should and shouldn't do.  Yes, I know it is there as a fail-safe just in case you screwed up so it gives you a second chance; but for the purposes of this blog no one screws up so this is just an annoyance!

In every parade there is always someone on a float waving...that's fairly normal.  But, what gets me is that every time that person is waving you suddenly see them stop, look into the crowd, point, and wave furiously at one particular person as if they are a long lost friend that they are seeing for the first time in years. My theory on this?  The float person knows no one on the parade route and they are just trying to make themselves seem like "one of the guys...or gals...or whatever".  And if per chance they DO know the person they are waving to, how about inviting them aboard the float so we can all see him or her.  They never do that, do they!  I wonder why...?

Have you ever gone to an event that gives away trinkets of some sort?  They are called "tchotchkes" which is pronounced "wooster".  Oh,wait  a minute, that would be "Worcester".  Tchotchkes is pronounced Chachkeys.  Anyway, many of these things such as pens or letter openers have the name, address and phone number of the organization that is giving them away.  When is the last time you used one of these tchotchkes to get an address or a phone number?  Undeniable truth? My guess is never which begs the question; why even do it?

Another one...all women love stoneware.  You know, the cooking containers made of some sort of product mined from the earth to weigh triple what it should.  Everything you cook with gets washed with soap and water...not these babies!  You can't get soap on them as they are as porous as a sponge and will absorb the soap thus ruining the container.  Who ever heard of such a thing?  So how do you clean them?  Water and elbow grease.  However, once the containers get "seasoned" they are much easier to clean.  Let me tell you something, ladies - do you know how the containers get seasoned?  It's called baked on food that cannot be cleaned off with only water.  So why would you want to use a cooking container that cannot be cleaned with soap that has leftover food baked right into the surface?  Just asking...

Someone just rang the doorbell. Who is at the door at this hour?  Hang on, let me check.  It's someone from the State.  What yellow pad?!?  Oy!

While the Cat's Away...

I'm a bachelor this week - until late Friday anyway.  The wife (I always thought that sounded dumb, "the wife"...sounds like a thing rather than a person.  Wait a minute...hmmm...I may be onto something here.  I don't think I will go any further with that thought - just my way of promoting domestic harmony!)  Anyway, my wife decided to go to California and leave me high and dry here.  She just up and left.  Just because her new job required her to go doesn't mean she actually HAD to go, did it?  Who is going to wait on me hand and foot the way I am used to? Heh, heh, heh, BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Sorry, I couldn't continue any longer without laughing out loud! 

Going away now is much different than when I was younger.  When I was a boy back in the Paleolithic Era (Stone Age to you younger urchins out there) there was no Skype, no email, no phones no lights no motor cars, not a single luxury - Like Robinson Crusoe, it was primitive as can be.  You know it's getting bad when you have to resort to quoting a mid 1960's TV show to get your point across.  It was difficult to stay in contact with everyone.  Back then the only people that had cell phones were people in prisons.  Get it?           Never mind.

Nowadays (do you realize that that is actually a word?  It sounds like it should be a Bed & Breakfast:  "Come to the Grand Opening of the Nowadays B & B.  All the comforts of home except way more expensive".  Now you know why I didn't go into the Advertising field).  So, nowadays (the word, not the B&B) it is much easier to stay in touch with your loved ones - or for that matter those you can't stand.  Just a call on the cell phone from almost anywhere, a text, an email, a Skype session, or my personal favorite...two tin cans connected with a string.  Much less expensive, but the calling radius leaves a lot to be desired. 

I am thinking of things to do while my wife is being held hostage in California.  It would be easier if it was summertime but since there is still some snow on the ground yard work and mowing the lawn are out...darn!  Going to the beach would be interesting.  The good news is that there are no crowds.  The bad news is once you go out there with only your bathing suit on you quickly find out why there are no crowds.  Come to think of it, depending on how you look in the bathing suit, crowds may not be a problem in the summertime either!  So I guess I'll just keep writing blogs until she gets home because there is obviously nothing to do here in the house.  And now a quick note to my wife:

Sweetheart, you are coming home Friday, right?  The reason I ask, Darling, is that the pizza boxes, dirty clothes, dishes and garbage need some attention, and you do such a good job at all of them that I hate to ruin a good thing for you.  Plus I know how you really enjoy doing these things after you are done work - didn't you say it is relaxing?  So because of that I'll just keep typing and leave all of this stuff to you.

And Honey, on your way home from the airport, at midnight, after your 12 hour flight with two layovers, would you stop at one of those 24 hour grocery stores?  We're out of food.  I know how you LOVE to shop, so what a great opportunity for you!  This means you will get back home a little later but I'm willing to make the sacrifice of not seeing you as early as I would have liked...because I'm that kind of guy.  I'm always looking out for you, aren't I?  Wait, someone just told me that I had BETTER look out for you! I have no idea what they are talking about...love you!!!

Be Afraid...Be VERY Afraid!

I'll bet that by the end of this paragraph you will know what this blog is about.  As I drove home today a black cat ran in front of my car (the score: Cat 1, Car 0 - the cat retains all 9 lives).  I got out of the car and stepped on a crack in the sidewalk - I immediately called my mother to make sure she was feeling all right.  She said she had a slight pain in her back but it was no big deal...whew!  I had to walk under a ladder I had left up on my house to try to repair the gutters from the ice damming (but let's not revisit that).  As I closed the front door I heard something break in the bathroom.  I went to investigate and the bathroom mirror was in a thousand pieces...lovely!  Then I turned around, kicked an umbrella, and it opened up.

I think you see where I'm going with this.  Superstitions!  And why, you may ask, have I chosen this topic when there are so many others?  Easy...this is the 13th blog I've written!  And today is March 13th!  So seeing as how 13 is everyone's favorite number I thought why not?  This one was somewhat painful to write because I actually had to do a little bit of research for this, rather than just depending on my warped sense of humor to get me through it.  You can be sure that this won't happen too often (the research part, not the warped sense of humor...that, for better or worse, is here to stay).

It is amazing just how many superstitions there are in the world.  Did you know that most hotels don't have a 13th floor? (And no, I'm not talking about the hotels with only 12 floors or less...silly rabbit!)  Or that there is no row 13 in an airplane?   Or that in the game of Cricket a game cannot end if the combined score for both teams is 13?  Okay, I made that one up...thought I'd let you know that so you don't spend the next half hour searching the Internet to verify it.  If I happen to be correct, though, do drop me a line or give me a ring on the telly to inform me of such (since we're speaking of Cricket, please re-read this sentence using a British accent to get the full effect).

They call it "triskaidekaphobia" - the fear of the number 13.  To me it sounds more like the fear of eating Triscuits while playing cards, but that's just me.  Did I mention that I actually invented Triscuits?  Back when I was just a wee lad (we're fast approaching St. Patrick's Day) I used to take Shredded Wheat, put salt on it and eat it.  Someone obviously stole my idea and made millions, and here I sit writing about the number 13.  There is no justice...apparently just bad luck!

Baseball is the most superstitious sport going.  Wade Boggs, who used to play for the Red Sox as well as that other team about 200 miles to the southwest of Boston, would eat chicken before every game - it seemed to work for him; not so much for the chicken.  Many players will not step on the foul line when going onto or off of the field.  Then there was the "Curse of the Bambino" which supposedly caused the Sox to not win a championship for 86 years (thank you 2004, with a special thumbs up to the Yankees!)  Announcers will not use the term "no-hitter" while a pitcher is in the midst of pitching a no-hitter for fear of jinxing the pitcher.  In the later innings players will not sit next to a pitcher for the same reason...it's either that or his deodorant stopped working.  So if superstitions are your thing, baseball is your sport.

Supposedly it is good luck if it rains on your wedding day.  This one was probably made up by a groom to calm down his bride that just spent a small fortune on a wedding dress that cannot get wet.  You would think a dress that costs close to six figures could be worn on a Jacques Cousteau Oceanographic Expedition without a problem but apparently not.  I don't think it rained on our wedding day, so what does that mean?  Let's see, we've been married for 33 years (34 in July...how's THAT for quick math!) but because it didn't rain on our wedding day we are teetering on the brink of the destruction of our marriage.  The good news?  Both my wife and I are oblivious to it so I guess we're okay!  Divorce was never an option anyway; in the early years we couldn't divorce because neither of us wanted custody of the kids.  Now, divorce would just cost too much. 

I'm not superstitious at all.  In fact, I can't even spell the word.  So how is it that I have written it many times in this blog?  Some things are best left unsaid my friend.  I have to go, but first let me make sure I have everything I need:  Rabbits Foot, check. Four Leaf Clover, check. Horseshoe, check. And in case you think writing this blog was easy, try typing with your fingers crossed the entire time!

What Was That Sound?

I was in a meeting room early this morning and heard what I thought was a very familiar sound...that of a snow blower.  After all it is winter and there is still probably 23 feet of snow on the lawn so naturally the noise I heard had to be that of a snow blower - right?  Wrong!  I looked outside and there, on the green lawn, was a gentleman running a lawn mower...a LAWN MOWER!  How can this be?!?  I must be dreaming.  Then it hit me.  I am in Dallas Texas and the temperature is a balmy 70 degrees!  During the rest of this blog I will try not to gloat, but there is no guarantee that this will actually happen.

You see, when we left from Hartford for Dallas it was snowing with three inches of snow on the ground and counting.  Not only did we escape winter (for a few days) we ended up going to a state that has never even heard of a snow blower...my kind of place!  The warmer the better.  Give me 95 degrees with moderate humidity verses 13 degrees with a wind chill of -22.  The argument I always hear is "well, you can always put more clothes on, go inside and warm up, but there isn't much you can do about the heat".  Au contraire mon frere.  (I speak fluent Swedish as you can no doubt tell.) My argument is exactly the opposite...you can always cool off but you can't always warm up.  You see, it's very easy to take a few layers of clothes off (but don't go overboard - you know who you are).  However I for one am sick of putting on layer after layer of clothing just to keep my core body temperature at a level that prevents my blood from clogging my veins with ice crystals.  It can happen...don't doubt me.  And then having to go outside looking like the Michelin Man...no, thank you.  By the way, did I tell you that it is 70 degrees here?  Sorry, so not gloating.


When we were on the tarmac at the airport the airplane had about two inches of snow on its wings.  Hang on a minute...tarmac?  What kind of word is "tarmac"?  It either sounds like someone spelled a word backwards (Camrat: (n) One whose use of camcorders has elevated to the obsessive level) or it is an acronym for something.  Let's see...TARMAC: Technically Advanced Robots Marking Accurate Collateral, or how about This Air Really Makes Amazing Climate?  Yes, the latter is an odd way of gloating about the weather here...live with it!  Anyhow, back to the plane.  De Plane, De Plane!!!  If you remember this reference you were watching too much TV in the late 70's...but I digress, once again.  The plane began to back out of the terminal with snow on its wings.  I thought "this can't be good".  Then I thought "I'm sure that at 400 MPH the snow will more than likely blow off" - not thinking that to get to 400 MPH the plane would actually have to take off...something that probably wouldn't happen with two inches of snow on its wings.  I obviously wasn't thinking rationally...22 degrees and blinding snow will do that to you.  They then came out and de-iced the plane and we were on our way.


Needless to say I am thinking very clearly now.  Want to know why?  I would tell you but the answer, the fact that it is 70 degrees here and going up to the upper 70's as the week progresses, would sound like I'm gloating and you KNOW I would never do that.  So crank up the heat and I'll see you soon. What's that? Drinks on the veranda? Be right there...BWAHAHAHA!!!