Friendly Advice

Blogging material can come to you in a number of ways.  You can receive it by divine inspiration (yes, I said that with a straight face), you can use life's experiences, and you can also ask others for it.  The first two don't require an awful lot of effort because you either got it or you ain't.  The last, however, takes a bit of effort and courage on your part because you are basically at the mercy of someone else's thoughts and suggestions.  So I decided I was going to give it a shot and take the biggest risk known to blogkind (that's mankind in Blogspeak) and write exclusively about subjects that others suggested.  I took the plunge recently and on Facebook asked what I should write about.  Here goes, Norwich Rose!

I decided not to use anyone's real name to protect the innocent...although after reading some of the Facebook comments there weren't too many innocent people out there - you know who you are!

Enitsirhc chimed in first and thinks I should write about THE FLU.  Really?  How do you make a subject like the flu funny?  Make sure it's something you don't catch.  If you do get the flu and go to the doctor's office, leave immediately if the office plants are dead.  And if you do decide to stay to see the doctor and she says that your cough sounds bad, scold her by telling her you have been practicing all night.  (Read that sentence again, you'll get it...the joke, not the flu!)

Dahc suggested the subject of youth and the difference between the generations...deep!  I could go the old joke route and say something like "back in my day on the East side of Norwich we walked to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways".  I actually did walk to school up to the third grade, and it was about 3/4 of a mile.  And back then it snowed from early September through the middle of June...every day...only while we were walking...it still amazes me to this day.

Treb gave a number of ideas.  One dovetails with my walking to school story, and that is where did winter go?  True!  It seemed like way, way, way back then there was always ice on the ponds - not so much anymore.  I think someone in the 1970's lost the recipe.  I used to love winter.  Now I can barely tolerate it. And, no, it wasn't I who lost the recipe - I can think of nothing more fun than to be out on the ice, slipping and sliding, you know, breaking parts of your body that should never be broken.  At least if that were to happen you get to stay in a warm hospital room...next to someone with the flu.

Yhtak mentioned a story on how to buy the right snow blower.  If you have been reading my blogs from the beginning (and who hasn't?) you will know that I got blamed for the horrific winter snows we got two years ago because I did not purchase a snow blower.  The theory?  Had I purchased a snow blower it would have stopped it from snowing.  I'll bet you had no idea that I hold that kind of power!

Cram stayed on the same theme and said that the subject should be the benefits of moving to Florida and never having to shovel snow again.  Here's what I think...I could absolutely handle that!  Got an extra room down there Cram?

Ekim went all political on me and when he was done he ended by saying that his thoughts on the subject would not be published anyway.  Yup, you're right Ekim, even though I agreed with them!

I once wrote a blog about music, and in it mentioned my least favorite song of all time, Maggie May by Rod Stewart.  My "friend" Yttap brings it up every time I hear from her...bless her heart!  Her actual suggestion?  Write about Rod Stewart's favorite song.  Nice try, pal!

There were other suggestions but if I used them all this would not be a blog, it would be a book.  Well, this experiment proves one thing - that people read the status updates in Facebook.  I want to personally thank each and every one of the people that made comments that I was able to use in this blog.  I'll think of you all the next time I am walking to school, uphill, both ways, pushing a snow blower, humming Maggie May while thinking about the political ramifications of not having winter...with the flu.

Welcome to the 21st Century

Kicking and screaming.  Many people don't like change and for the most part I am one of them.  So when it came time to entering the 21st century technology-wise, I was a bit hesitant.  Okay, I was a lot hesitant.  The first example of my becoming a citizen of the 21st century was a hideous program called "Facebook".  I know that well over 230 billion people have Facebook accounts but I was determined to be one of the few that did not.  Enter my wife.  She knew I was not about to do this so she took it upon herself to make an account for me.  I could be wrong, but isn't that a violation of Federal Statute #32232665?  (The statute number actually means something...can you guess what it means?  Hint - it isn't actually a statute.  It isn't even a statue...but I digress.)

So now I have a Facebook account.  And yes I use it.  Chances are that is how you got to this blog, so apparently it works.  I actually do enjoy, have fun with, tolerate it.  All except for the people that tell you everything, like what they had for breakfast that day.  Oh brother, I just realized that I posted what I had for breakfast today...geez...I've turned into one of THEM!!!  SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!

I think things such as computer tablets, laptops, iPads, and Kindles are great.  Probably because with some exceptions they all act like computers, of which I am already familiar.  However, what about cell "phones"?  I put the word "phones" in quotes because no one uses a cell phone as a phone anymore.  Except for the jerks that may be driving on West Main St. in Norwich with a phone in one hand, a cigarette in the other, while drinking a soda and adjusting the radio.  Chances are that they will not be harmed by drinking soda or even smoking, but by someone else as they veer into the other lane!  Okay, off of my soap box.   A while back I called my son and he answered the phone "Hi Dad!"  I thought he knew who I was because of the caller ID feature, but he said no - he knew it was me because I am the only one that actually CALLS him on his phone!

Cell phones are amazing things.  You can text, take pictures, email, go on the internet, use them to get directions and a host of other things...and I hear that there are one or two people that make calls too.  I now have my wife's old Droid "smart phone" (yeah, right) and I am now getting to the point that I can answer the phone without hanging up on everyone - key word being "everyone" because it still happens.  The phone chirps, squeaks, burps and sings in 23 different languages.  But apparently none of them are English...at least English that I recognize.

Then there are devices that help you find destinations while in your car, which go by the initials GPS.  For those of you yet to enter the 21st century, GPS stands for Ghastlfully Painful Search as the device may or may not guide you to the proper destination.  It takes a Masters degree from MIT (the university, not the former Governor, though both are from Massachusetts...take your pick) to program one of these things.  The correct name is Global Positioning System.  Looking for a banquet hall recently our GPS sent us to a dirt road dead end with no banquet hall.  Then of course it screams at you when you try your hand at locating the facility yourself..."recalculating, recalculating, recalculating".  Mine once told me "Look, pal, if you want to find this place yourself, good luck, but you sunk over $100 into purchasing me and you are blatantly disregarding my directions capability...are you insane or just merely stupid?"  As it hurdled out of my car window through the air I heard it exclaim "can't take a joke, can you?"  So much for technology.  Welcome to MY 21st century!

What Happens in Vegas...

Ever been to Las Vegas?  Not that I really care, I was just trying to be polite. I just came back from there so I thought I would tell you all about it.  Kind of like your favorite relative at Thanksgiving spouting off about their trip to Cape Cod...something you REALLY don't want to hear about, especially for the seventh time.  However, because this is the first time I have told you about MY trip I should have your undivided attention - right?

You've undoubtedly have heard the saying "What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas"?  (Footnote...I lost my cell phone for a few hours in Vegas and that stupid saying kept going through my mind - buh bye cell phone!)  But contrary to the saying, I'm hear to tell you What Happened in Vegas is in this blog!

I went there with my wife for a business convention.  The plane ride there was uneventful.  There were three seats on each side of the aisle, and I ended up sitting next to a very attractive woman, late 40's to around 50 I would guess.  The interesting thing is that I also ended up sitting next to that same woman on the trip back.  The chances of that would normally be extremely low, however that woman is my wife, which brings the odds up dramatically.  Get it?  Odds...Vegas?  Whatever.

The hotel we stayed in for the convention was about 15 minutes south of Las Vegas Boulevard, or as those of us who have been to Vegas call it - The Strip.  Our hotel buffet was voted the best in Vegas, and I am here to say that this is very true.  It was a little pricey at $25 a person but I've never had a better breakfast selection anywhere...and my tight pants prove it!

Slot machines are everywhere in Vegas - even at the airport.  Correct me if I'm wrong (there is a first time for everything) but if you're gambling at the airport aren't you a bit, shall we say, compulsive?  Isn't that like stopping to eat on the way to the restaurant?  Virtually every hotel, casino, phone booth, bathroom, water fountain, and telephone pole have slot machines so why not wait until after you've left the airport? A lot of people feel that the airport is a big enough gamble even WITHOUT the slot machines.  Speaking of a gamble, something that weighs over 150,000 pounds speeding down a runway at over 160 miles an hour getting off the ground doesn't make much sense.  Of course billionaires like Donald Trump or Bill Gates having the haircuts they have don't make much sense either.

Okay, drum roll please...my wife and I are the only people on the face of the earth that have gone to Las Vegas for a week and not spent one cent gambling!  Quick, get me the phone number for the Guinness Book of World Records!  Why spend money in Nevada when we could spend it just the same at either local casino here in eastern Connecticut?  (Not that we do that either.)  What's that?  Congress is launching an investigation into why we didn't gamble in Vegas?  I can certainly suggest a thing or two they should be investigating!!!  Did you know that in the original Greek, the word "Congress" actually means "Those That Gamble With Other People's Money"?  Maybe Congress should move to Las Vegas - they would have less of a chance of losing the money there than in Washington DC!

Politics R Us

Yes, 'Tis the Season.  No, not the holiday season, the political season!  Instead of holiday decorations we see political signs dotting the countryside.  And unless you are a political junkie like me it probably drives you nuts.  Actually I am getting annoyed at all of the signs especially the billboard-sized signs with life size photos of the candidates.  What's next, blimps with neon pictures hovering low enough to see the color of the pilot's eyes?  Or a small airplane with an ad banner off the back of it?  How about that same airplane with the candidate hanging off the back?  I might pay to see that!

I will not discuss actual politics in this blog.  If you are wondering which side of the fence I'm on, keep an ear   open in eastern CT on November 6th sometime after 9 PM and depending on the outcome I'll be laughing or crying.  And no doubt posting something on Facebook because, well, doesn't everybody do that?

I think the worst part of this season are the ads.  I don't think there is enough time in the day for the candidates to have done everything they are accused of doing.  The last ad I saw accused one of the candidates of the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.  The other candidate was then accused of starting World War II.  Really?  If you believe everything the ads say you would not vote for ANY of the sleazoids.  This one voted to stop Social Security and rather then sending monthly checks they suggested sending bills to senior citizens.  The other one voted to lower the minimum wage to $1.90 per hour then tax it at a 90% tax rate. AAAHHH!!!!  Enough already!

I have the cure for all of the political stuff going on...November 7th.  There should be a law (as if there aren't enough laws already, but I digress) that states that on November 7th all political signs must be taken down or you will be forced to wear a tee shirt that says "I voted for _____", whoever was not your candidate.  Kinda like wearing a Red Sox hat to Yankee Stadium...which I have done...and lived to tell about it...barely.

I mentioned this in an earlier blog (remember??? if not, your assignment is to go back and read them all), regarding the word politics.  It is made up of two words, "poli" meaning many and "tics" which are blood sucking insects.  How apropos, eh?

Get out and vote on November 6th.  Otherwise I don't want to hear you complain about politics.  So I guess there is only one thing left to say:  "This is Tom Kilcollum and I approved this blog."

Anger Management

When I began to write this blog I thought to myself  "who would want to read a blog about being angry"?  Then I got angry at myself for thinking such a thing and continued on.  More on that strange phenomena of being mad at yourself later on.

At some point or another everyone will get angry at someone or something.  Maybe not angry enough to rip a phone book in half (by the way, do they still have those...I'll be angry if not), but angry just the same.  It can be little things: "Ah, the egg yoke just broke!" to completely over the top things: "OH GREAT, BOTH egg yokes just broke!"  You see it doesn't take much to make some people angry.  Just add a little unexpected ingredient into the mix and voila, anger results.

Ever encounter agitated people?  If someone tells you "I watch CSI...do not tick me off because I know how to get rid of all of the evidence", thank them and walk away, quickly.  Also, stay away from someone who says "don't disturb me, I'm disturbed enough already".

I've always thought that being angry at yourself is an odd thing.  You do something, you screw up, you get mad at yourself.  Huh?  Get over it!  Instead, get mad at a thing.  I'm normally a patient guy; what sets me off quicker than anything else? Inanimate objects.  You know, things like vehicles, computers and any other thing that can't talk back...which makes it even worse!  Oh it can get real bad real quick.  I have a motto about working on vehicles - if it didn't draw blood it wasn't worth it.  It seems that every time I work on a vehicle I either stab myself with a screwdriver or scrape my knuckles while using a socket wrench.  And even though the vehicle may learn a few words it hadn't heard before, once I fix it it's worth it...kinda.

Why are we so quick to get angry?  Whatever happened to patience.  At one point or another we've all prayed the prayer, "I need patience, and I want it NOW!!!"  Doesn't always work though.  So even though we all know there is nothing to get upset about in Norwich (with the possible exception of Rt. 395 near exit 81 on Friday afternoon, trying to turn left onto West Main Street at any point, or the traffic scheme downtown) it is easy to get a little ticked off at some time or another.

Hang in there my friend, and do what I do - punch whatever is closest to you.  Notice I didn't say punch "whoever" is closest to you.  That would be a huge mistake, especially if you happen to work in the police station, or with your wife.  Not that I know this by experience, but my guess is that most wives have a pretty good left hook, and my advice? Don't be on the receiving end.

Break The Silence

Normally I can bang out a blog in a short period of time without too much thought being put into it.  Yes, that is my secret - not thinking - seems to work every time!  This one is a little bit different.  Not that I don't know a lot about the subject; quite the contrary, possibly too much.  I had never even heard of the subject before 2003 when it came, uninvited, into our lives.

Ovarian cancer.  Just the sound of those words can make one cringe.  When you hear of a friend or an acquaintance that has cancer your first thought is "oh, that is too bad".  But when it invades your life, or your spouse's life, the angst level is off the charts.  My wife Madonna was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August of 2003.  She had all of the "classic symptoms": bloating (in her case appearing to be 9 months pregnant), stomach pain, frequent urination, and a few more.  Who knew what the symptoms of ovarian cancer were?  Certainly not us.  Most of the symptoms mirror things many women experience on a monthly basis; this is how insidious this disease is.  It used to be known as the "silent killer" however now we know that it is not - it whispers.  If the symptoms persist for more than two weeks, or if a symptom is unusual for you, see a doctor.  Chances are good that it is not ovarian cancer.  But if it is (about 22,000 women are diagnosed each year) and you catch it early you have a 90% chance of survival.  Unfortunately many women aren't diagnosed early and about 15,000 women will die each year.

Getting back to our journey, my wife had an operation that removed a 17 centimeter tumor in her ovary, and without going into too much medical jargon she had everything removed.  Six sessions of chemotherapy followed over the next four months, complete with total hair loss and feeling like a Mack truck had run her over.  That was nine years ago, and our journey since that time has been many check-ups with good news each time.  Not that we did not have a few scares along the way, thinking that the disease had recurred, which it does quite frequently.  I think about those times and they may have been more scary than the original diagnosis.

Knowledge is the key for ovarian cancer.  It can be beat, and it is being beaten every day.  The major problem is that there is no definitive screening test that can be done so women need to be in tune with their bodies and advocate for themselves.  And men, you too need to be aware as well.  Had I known the symptoms back in 2003 I would have insisted that my wife get checked out earlier than what she actually did.  That is why the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (NOCC) states that ovarian cancer is "more than a woman's disease".  I can certainly vouch for that as it affects everyone in the family.

The mission of the NOCC is to raise awareness and promote education about ovarian cancer.  They are committed to improving the survival rate and quality of life for women with ovarian cancer.  Being a non-profit organization they rely primarily on donations.  September is ovarian cancer awareness month and the Connecticut Chapter of the NOCC is sponsoring their 3rd Annual Run/Walk to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer on Saturday September 22, 2012 at Hammonasset Beach State Park beginning at 8 AM.  Not only is it a fundraiser but it is also a celebration of survivors and the memories of those lost to the disease.  It is an event complete with entertainment, vendors of all kinds, food, etc.  The comradery that is felt there cannot be explained; it has to be experienced.  It is a beautiful celebration.  For more information please go to www.ovarian.org, click on find a chapter and click on Connecticut.  You can register the morning of the walk.  If you have any questions or need any other information feel free to email me at tkonline1@sbcglobal.net. 

Prognostications

Have you ever heard of people that can predict the future?  Or for that matter animals that can predict the future?  I did a bit of research on the subject, which for me is painful at best because research is too much like work, but for you my loyal readers, I'll do it. 

Did you know that there is an octopus named Paul that predicts the outcome of the World Cup in soccer?  And me without a bookie to call...however, I thought about it and here's how that call might have gone. Ring, ring, ring, "Yea?"  "Yea, hi Joe?" (In case you were wondering, all bookies are named Joe.  No, I didn't do any research on that subject, just take my word for it.) "Yea, who's dis?"  "This is TK, and I want to place a bet on the World Cup games.  I got a great tip from Paul."  "Who's Paul?" "Um, Paul?  Well, he's an octopus.  Hello?  Hello?"  See?  Even if I wanted to place a bet based on the eight legged sea creature I wouldn't get too far, even with the unwavering morals of a bookie.

Cats have been known to predict the death of individuals - just another reason not to own a cat.  

A sheep in New Zealand correctly predicted the winner of the 2011 Rugby World Cup games.  And no, I did not call my bookie to place a bet on those games - I already learned my lesson from Paul.

A crocodile in Australia predicted their too-close-to-call 2010 election for Prime Minister...then ate the loser.  Can you say "there is no need for a recount"? Australian politics are tough!

And then of course there is the Prognosticator Extraordinaire, Punxsutawney Phil, the weather-predicting groundhog who, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has been right less than 50% of the time.  Kind of sounds like a meteorologist or two around here.  Did you know that if you predict it is going to be sunny in Boston on any given day you have a 65% chance of being correct?  Another bit of useless dribble offered up by yours truly.

People that make predictions amaze me.  It goes from the aforementioned meteorologist  (which, I'll grant you, is the low risk end of the prediction spectrum) all the way up to the doomsday predictors.  If you believe these people, I have a bridge you may be interested in purchasing.  One thing is certain - if someone says the end of the world is on X day, rest assured that the world will be just fine, thank you, the day after.  There actually is One that knows that date, but He's not sharing.

The latest craze is the Mayan Calendar which, it is said, predicts that the world will end on December 21, 2012.  If I thought there was even a remote possibility of that I would save myself hundreds of dollars in Christmas gifts this year, but alas I hear the ca-ching of future cash registers up to December 24th...not that I am a last minute shopper or anything.  My wife is chiming in right now, but as the Beatles song says "your lips are moving, I cannot hear, your voice is soothing, but the words aren't clear".  Otherwise I would have written what she just said.

I have my own theories on why the Mayan Calendar ends on December 21st of this year. One is that they ran out of parchment to write the rest of the calendar on.  Or that their union went on strike because of the poor labor conditions they had to endure.  Whatever the reason, let me go on record to say we'll see you on December 22nd.  Yes, that is MY prediction.  So the next time you hear from the likes of Nostradamus, Kreskin, or even that rodent Punxsutawney Phil, take it with a grain of salt.  And then do what Joe did to me...hang up!