Up, Up and Away...

Do you like to fly or are you one of the people that start panting in fear when you so much as look at a travel brochure?  You all have heard the statistics about flying; how you are more apt to get into a car accident on the way to the airport than to be involved in a airline mishap.  According to "Anxieties.com" (yes, there is a website called Anxieties.com...I would have referred to the website in earlier blogs but I was too anxious to do so) in order for airline travel to equal the mortality rate of driving, a sold out 727 jet would have to crash every day of the year, with no survivors, to equal the number of deaths in a year on our roads.  What a happy thought!

So we have established that flying is much safer than driving.  Yes, I know that if your airplane crashes into the side of a mountain chances are you won't be going grocery shopping the next day.  Every now and then you hear or read something that makes you question the statistics, or even the pilots flying these machines.  We recently came back from a trip to Washington, DC and over the speaker system he said "ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our decent into the Hartford area".  I looked at my wife and said "the Hartford AREA?  What's he going to do, pick a random spot and try to land?"  These are the things that people can point to when they are shaking in their boots before a trip.  Luckily I am here to help.  But not right now.

I was in the airport looking out the window at a plane that had just landed and taxied in to its parking spot.  Then a mechanism called a Jet Bridge, totally on its own, wheels its way to the plane door, attaches itself, then sucks the passengers out of the plane.  Don't tell me that's not how it's done, I saw it with my own eyes.  You wonder why passengers coming into the airport from the plane all look the way they do?  It has nothing to do with the flight; it has EVERYTHING to do with how they are forced to disembark!  Just another reason to dislike flying.

Have you ever heard the old joke about the cut-rate airline (of which there are none anymore...bought a ticket lately)?  The shortened version of the joke: a flight attendant comes over the loud speaker and says "we have just lost all of our engines and will have to crash in the ocean.  Those of you who can swim please  line up on the left side of the plane and prepare to jump.  And those of you who cannot?  Thank you for flying Cut Rate Airlines".  I was on a plane a while back and the pilot announced "we have lost one of our engines but not to worry.  We still have 3 engines left which is more than enough to get us to our destination.  But it will take us 1/2 hour longer to get there."  He then announced "ladies and gentlemen we have lost another engine but no problem, two engines are more than enough to get us to the airport.  But it will take about an hour longer than normal."  A few minutes later the pilot said "well, we have just lost the third engine, however the planes are designed to fly with only one engine.  But now we will be 2 hours late."  I turned to my wife and said "I hope we don't lose the last engine, we'll be up here all day!" Yea, I know, lame!

So get out there and take off into the wild blue yonder,  now that you see there is no reason to be afraid of flying.  Actually that is not totally true, as there is one part of flying everyone fears even before you go to the airport, and it involves your wallet.  The airlines have devised an invisible Jet Bridge that attaches to your credit card and sucks out the money...be afraid, be very afraid!

Spring? Not Quite yet...

Springtime in New England.  This is the time of  year where I begin to wonder if the warmer temperatures will ever find their way back to New England.  As you probably know, I am not a fan of winter.  I would be perfectly happy with three seasons, spring, summer and fall.  Actually just summer would be fine with me.  I'm always amazed at people who like winter.  People that live up north by the Canadian border must love winter.  They live where, speaking of three seasons, they only have two seasons; winter and the Fourth of July.  Don't ask me why I still live in Eastern Connecticut...I know it's not because of the winter!

I have a wood stove and I just ordered what I hope is my last load of firewood.  It is sitting outside my basement door in the driveway like a life size Jenga game.  You know, that game that you stack the wooden pieces up and then try to remove a piece without toppling the pile?  That's what I attempt to do every time I go to bring wood into the house.  I take about 8 pieces in at a time, and dodge the wood that is falling at (or on) my feet at about 132 MPH.  I'm normally quite good at it - after all, I've had over 30 years of practice, and relatively few broken bones to show for it.  If you ever hear of a life size Jenga tournament let me know.

Everyone is good at something and, speaking of games, I LOVE Whack-A-Mole.  This has nothing to do with winter, other than the fact that you cannot normally play this game in the winter as it is a game that is most often found at an outdoor carnival.  After winning the game thousands of times (give or take) people have come up to me to ask "what's your secret?"  My reply?  Just think of the moles as someone you are not very fond of, and whack away.  That's not what I do, but it's fun watching them walk away formulating the list of  potential "victims" in their heads.  Losers.  Did I say that out loud?

There is a light at the end of the winter tunnel. This week had one of my favorite holidays - Opening Day of Baseball, so summer can't be too far behind.  And all is right with the world because the Red Sox beat the Yankees.  (Baseball fans with opposing viewpoints can write their own blog.)  At least the Sox won't go 0-162 this year.  After the last two seasons one never knows.

So hang in there folks, soon you will be whining about the humidity and heat.  But not me, I do my best whining in the wintertime...now THERE'S a reason to be glad winter is coming to an end!

Weather or Not

I'm sitting here all nice and warm in our house looking outside at the Winter Wonderland that God has provided us here in eastern Connecticut.  I'm sure this was an answer to prayer for someone (some lunatic skier perhaps), but it certainly was not for me!  We have at least two feet of snow and counting, which is about 24 inches too much.  Welcome to the record books...this is one of the largest winter storms ever to hit the Eastern US.  And so, since I am a weather aficionado (which is only one college course from a Meteorologist) I feel compelled to  talk about the weather.

Time to shovel.  My wife bought me the orange jacket & pants just in case I fell off the roof; she would have a better chance of finding me.  At least I THINK that's why she bought it for me.  Come to think of it, this is the exact same outfit that the state prisoners wear during the winter.  It's possible that she has already called the police, reported an escaped prisoner, and they could be on their way as we speak.  So I'll have to type fast to make sure I get this done just in case.  I hung the orange outfit in the basement to dry but I'm sure they would find it and that would be the end of me.  However, I'm betting that my wife did not call the police...you see, I'm not quite done shoveling yet.


Because the snow is over 20 inches taller than our dog Lily she decided not to go out until I shoveled a path for her.  Wimp.  It took me about 20 minutes (one minute per inch of snow...a snow blower I ain't) but I finally shoveled a path into our front yard so Lily could do her thing.  We let her out, she ran down the stairs, ran to the end of the path (which took her all of 2 seconds), turned around and said "are ya kiddin' me?"  I just shut the door.  She turned around and proceeded to do what she does best in the winter, produce some yellow snow.  Yay Lily!  Then, because of the snow, she came in the house all white...she also went out of the house all white...white dogs tend to do that.

Many people are beginning to give up with this winter weather.  Even vehicles are giving up.  I looked outside this morning and both of our vehicles had their windshield wipers raised in the air...for those of you that don't know, this is a vehicle's sign that they have given up. It's kind of like you raising your arms in the air during a bank robbery.  Unless of course YOU are the one robbing the bank in which case your arms should not be in the air.  If you weren't aware of this then you should not be robbing banks.  May I suggest taking up a different profession...like politics.  Never mind, basically the same line of business.

Let's take a look at the long range forecast.  Since last week was Groundhog Day (what other rodent has its own day?), according to Punxsutawney Phil who is the world's leading prognosticator of all things weather, we should all be getting out our swim gear because Spring is right around the corner.  How about this, Phil?  How about you grab a shovel to help me clear over 24 inches of "Spring Is Right Around The Corner"!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to outside to go tell my vehicles that everything will be all right.

Friendly Advice

Blogging material can come to you in a number of ways.  You can receive it by divine inspiration (yes, I said that with a straight face), you can use life's experiences, and you can also ask others for it.  The first two don't require an awful lot of effort because you either got it or you ain't.  The last, however, takes a bit of effort and courage on your part because you are basically at the mercy of someone else's thoughts and suggestions.  So I decided I was going to give it a shot and take the biggest risk known to blogkind (that's mankind in Blogspeak) and write exclusively about subjects that others suggested.  I took the plunge recently and on Facebook asked what I should write about.  Here goes, Norwich Rose!

I decided not to use anyone's real name to protect the innocent...although after reading some of the Facebook comments there weren't too many innocent people out there - you know who you are!

Enitsirhc chimed in first and thinks I should write about THE FLU.  Really?  How do you make a subject like the flu funny?  Make sure it's something you don't catch.  If you do get the flu and go to the doctor's office, leave immediately if the office plants are dead.  And if you do decide to stay to see the doctor and she says that your cough sounds bad, scold her by telling her you have been practicing all night.  (Read that sentence again, you'll get it...the joke, not the flu!)

Dahc suggested the subject of youth and the difference between the generations...deep!  I could go the old joke route and say something like "back in my day on the East side of Norwich we walked to school, in the snow, uphill, both ways".  I actually did walk to school up to the third grade, and it was about 3/4 of a mile.  And back then it snowed from early September through the middle of June...every day...only while we were walking...it still amazes me to this day.

Treb gave a number of ideas.  One dovetails with my walking to school story, and that is where did winter go?  True!  It seemed like way, way, way back then there was always ice on the ponds - not so much anymore.  I think someone in the 1970's lost the recipe.  I used to love winter.  Now I can barely tolerate it. And, no, it wasn't I who lost the recipe - I can think of nothing more fun than to be out on the ice, slipping and sliding, you know, breaking parts of your body that should never be broken.  At least if that were to happen you get to stay in a warm hospital room...next to someone with the flu.

Yhtak mentioned a story on how to buy the right snow blower.  If you have been reading my blogs from the beginning (and who hasn't?) you will know that I got blamed for the horrific winter snows we got two years ago because I did not purchase a snow blower.  The theory?  Had I purchased a snow blower it would have stopped it from snowing.  I'll bet you had no idea that I hold that kind of power!

Cram stayed on the same theme and said that the subject should be the benefits of moving to Florida and never having to shovel snow again.  Here's what I think...I could absolutely handle that!  Got an extra room down there Cram?

Ekim went all political on me and when he was done he ended by saying that his thoughts on the subject would not be published anyway.  Yup, you're right Ekim, even though I agreed with them!

I once wrote a blog about music, and in it mentioned my least favorite song of all time, Maggie May by Rod Stewart.  My "friend" Yttap brings it up every time I hear from her...bless her heart!  Her actual suggestion?  Write about Rod Stewart's favorite song.  Nice try, pal!

There were other suggestions but if I used them all this would not be a blog, it would be a book.  Well, this experiment proves one thing - that people read the status updates in Facebook.  I want to personally thank each and every one of the people that made comments that I was able to use in this blog.  I'll think of you all the next time I am walking to school, uphill, both ways, pushing a snow blower, humming Maggie May while thinking about the political ramifications of not having winter...with the flu.

Welcome to the 21st Century

Kicking and screaming.  Many people don't like change and for the most part I am one of them.  So when it came time to entering the 21st century technology-wise, I was a bit hesitant.  Okay, I was a lot hesitant.  The first example of my becoming a citizen of the 21st century was a hideous program called "Facebook".  I know that well over 230 billion people have Facebook accounts but I was determined to be one of the few that did not.  Enter my wife.  She knew I was not about to do this so she took it upon herself to make an account for me.  I could be wrong, but isn't that a violation of Federal Statute #32232665?  (The statute number actually means something...can you guess what it means?  Hint - it isn't actually a statute.  It isn't even a statue...but I digress.)

So now I have a Facebook account.  And yes I use it.  Chances are that is how you got to this blog, so apparently it works.  I actually do enjoy, have fun with, tolerate it.  All except for the people that tell you everything, like what they had for breakfast that day.  Oh brother, I just realized that I posted what I had for breakfast today...geez...I've turned into one of THEM!!!  SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!

I think things such as computer tablets, laptops, iPads, and Kindles are great.  Probably because with some exceptions they all act like computers, of which I am already familiar.  However, what about cell "phones"?  I put the word "phones" in quotes because no one uses a cell phone as a phone anymore.  Except for the jerks that may be driving on West Main St. in Norwich with a phone in one hand, a cigarette in the other, while drinking a soda and adjusting the radio.  Chances are that they will not be harmed by drinking soda or even smoking, but by someone else as they veer into the other lane!  Okay, off of my soap box.   A while back I called my son and he answered the phone "Hi Dad!"  I thought he knew who I was because of the caller ID feature, but he said no - he knew it was me because I am the only one that actually CALLS him on his phone!

Cell phones are amazing things.  You can text, take pictures, email, go on the internet, use them to get directions and a host of other things...and I hear that there are one or two people that make calls too.  I now have my wife's old Droid "smart phone" (yeah, right) and I am now getting to the point that I can answer the phone without hanging up on everyone - key word being "everyone" because it still happens.  The phone chirps, squeaks, burps and sings in 23 different languages.  But apparently none of them are English...at least English that I recognize.

Then there are devices that help you find destinations while in your car, which go by the initials GPS.  For those of you yet to enter the 21st century, GPS stands for Ghastlfully Painful Search as the device may or may not guide you to the proper destination.  It takes a Masters degree from MIT (the university, not the former Governor, though both are from Massachusetts...take your pick) to program one of these things.  The correct name is Global Positioning System.  Looking for a banquet hall recently our GPS sent us to a dirt road dead end with no banquet hall.  Then of course it screams at you when you try your hand at locating the facility yourself..."recalculating, recalculating, recalculating".  Mine once told me "Look, pal, if you want to find this place yourself, good luck, but you sunk over $100 into purchasing me and you are blatantly disregarding my directions capability...are you insane or just merely stupid?"  As it hurdled out of my car window through the air I heard it exclaim "can't take a joke, can you?"  So much for technology.  Welcome to MY 21st century!

What Happens in Vegas...

Ever been to Las Vegas?  Not that I really care, I was just trying to be polite. I just came back from there so I thought I would tell you all about it.  Kind of like your favorite relative at Thanksgiving spouting off about their trip to Cape Cod...something you REALLY don't want to hear about, especially for the seventh time.  However, because this is the first time I have told you about MY trip I should have your undivided attention - right?

You've undoubtedly have heard the saying "What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas"?  (Footnote...I lost my cell phone for a few hours in Vegas and that stupid saying kept going through my mind - buh bye cell phone!)  But contrary to the saying, I'm hear to tell you What Happened in Vegas is in this blog!

I went there with my wife for a business convention.  The plane ride there was uneventful.  There were three seats on each side of the aisle, and I ended up sitting next to a very attractive woman, late 40's to around 50 I would guess.  The interesting thing is that I also ended up sitting next to that same woman on the trip back.  The chances of that would normally be extremely low, however that woman is my wife, which brings the odds up dramatically.  Get it?  Odds...Vegas?  Whatever.

The hotel we stayed in for the convention was about 15 minutes south of Las Vegas Boulevard, or as those of us who have been to Vegas call it - The Strip.  Our hotel buffet was voted the best in Vegas, and I am here to say that this is very true.  It was a little pricey at $25 a person but I've never had a better breakfast selection anywhere...and my tight pants prove it!

Slot machines are everywhere in Vegas - even at the airport.  Correct me if I'm wrong (there is a first time for everything) but if you're gambling at the airport aren't you a bit, shall we say, compulsive?  Isn't that like stopping to eat on the way to the restaurant?  Virtually every hotel, casino, phone booth, bathroom, water fountain, and telephone pole have slot machines so why not wait until after you've left the airport? A lot of people feel that the airport is a big enough gamble even WITHOUT the slot machines.  Speaking of a gamble, something that weighs over 150,000 pounds speeding down a runway at over 160 miles an hour getting off the ground doesn't make much sense.  Of course billionaires like Donald Trump or Bill Gates having the haircuts they have don't make much sense either.

Okay, drum roll please...my wife and I are the only people on the face of the earth that have gone to Las Vegas for a week and not spent one cent gambling!  Quick, get me the phone number for the Guinness Book of World Records!  Why spend money in Nevada when we could spend it just the same at either local casino here in eastern Connecticut?  (Not that we do that either.)  What's that?  Congress is launching an investigation into why we didn't gamble in Vegas?  I can certainly suggest a thing or two they should be investigating!!!  Did you know that in the original Greek, the word "Congress" actually means "Those That Gamble With Other People's Money"?  Maybe Congress should move to Las Vegas - they would have less of a chance of losing the money there than in Washington DC!

Politics R Us

Yes, 'Tis the Season.  No, not the holiday season, the political season!  Instead of holiday decorations we see political signs dotting the countryside.  And unless you are a political junkie like me it probably drives you nuts.  Actually I am getting annoyed at all of the signs especially the billboard-sized signs with life size photos of the candidates.  What's next, blimps with neon pictures hovering low enough to see the color of the pilot's eyes?  Or a small airplane with an ad banner off the back of it?  How about that same airplane with the candidate hanging off the back?  I might pay to see that!

I will not discuss actual politics in this blog.  If you are wondering which side of the fence I'm on, keep an ear   open in eastern CT on November 6th sometime after 9 PM and depending on the outcome I'll be laughing or crying.  And no doubt posting something on Facebook because, well, doesn't everybody do that?

I think the worst part of this season are the ads.  I don't think there is enough time in the day for the candidates to have done everything they are accused of doing.  The last ad I saw accused one of the candidates of the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.  The other candidate was then accused of starting World War II.  Really?  If you believe everything the ads say you would not vote for ANY of the sleazoids.  This one voted to stop Social Security and rather then sending monthly checks they suggested sending bills to senior citizens.  The other one voted to lower the minimum wage to $1.90 per hour then tax it at a 90% tax rate. AAAHHH!!!!  Enough already!

I have the cure for all of the political stuff going on...November 7th.  There should be a law (as if there aren't enough laws already, but I digress) that states that on November 7th all political signs must be taken down or you will be forced to wear a tee shirt that says "I voted for _____", whoever was not your candidate.  Kinda like wearing a Red Sox hat to Yankee Stadium...which I have done...and lived to tell about it...barely.

I mentioned this in an earlier blog (remember??? if not, your assignment is to go back and read them all), regarding the word politics.  It is made up of two words, "poli" meaning many and "tics" which are blood sucking insects.  How apropos, eh?

Get out and vote on November 6th.  Otherwise I don't want to hear you complain about politics.  So I guess there is only one thing left to say:  "This is Tom Kilcollum and I approved this blog."