Resolutions-R-Us

New Year's resolutions.  We all know someone that has resolved to do or not to do something for the new year...maybe it is you.  Have you noticed that most of the time those resolutions go by the boards in the days or weeks that follow January 1st?  Not to worry, my friends, I am here to help.  That alone will make at least some of you leery to make any resolutions.  (There, I said it before you had the chance to.  If your New Year's resolution is to stop offending people, I just gave you a running start!)

For those of you who have never made a New Year's resolution, you have to at least try it.  Why should the rest of us be miserable when you too can join our ranks?  C'mon, you can never have enough failure in your life, right?  But this blog is about exactly the opposite - it is about overcoming the fears and anxieties of making resolutions so you are successful in whatever you decide to resolve to do.  So let's give this a shot, shall we?

First of all, the resolutions that most of us make are things such as losing weight, stop smoking, get more exercise, reduce stress in your life, etc.  Most experts agree (don't you love that line "most experts agree"?  It instantly makes the person saying it sound like they know what they are talking about, or sound like they have done extensive research into the subject and found a consensus among the experts and are reporting it as the gospel truth.  Let's get it straight right now, you KNOW I don't have time to do research, so the line "most experts agree" is totally worthless.  However, because I want to make this sound like I know what I am talking about I will use it just the same...back to the blog).

Most experts agree that in order to keep a resolution you have to make it a habit, and a habit normally takes six weeks or more to develop.  Therein lies the problem.  Who has six weeks to do anything?  So what we need to do is develop a habit in, say, 10 seconds or so.  And of course I have the solution.  Ready?  STOP IT!  That's the solution...STOP IT!  When you are getting ready to reach for that 5th piece of pumpkin pie smothered in whipped cream with a caramel mocha cappuccino chaser just tell yourself STOP IT!  Mission accomplished.  When you are getting ready to light up a cigarette just STOP IT!  When you are lacing up your sneakers to go for a walk to get more exercise, just STOP IT!  Wait a minute, I just found a little flaw in my solution - guess I'll have to work on that.

What we all need to do is to come up with resolutions that we can keep.  Here's an example:  let's say your New Year's resolution is to reduce stress by taking a trip.  And let's say you have no food in your house.  The solution?  Take a trip to the grocery store which will not only take care of the food dilemma, but you will have also fulfilled your resolution to take a trip, thus giving you less stress!  See how easy this can be?  Or how about this one?  You want to resolve to save money this year, and also resolve to keep in touch with friends  more...two excellent resolutions.  Invite yourself over to a different friend's house each night, right around supper time.  Not only will your food bill dramatically decrease, you will be seeing friends just like you resolved to do! 

And let's not forget - if your resolution is to get in shape, round is a shape!

Of course the easiest way to not fail at a resolution is to not make any in the first place.  That's no fun.  I want everyone to pick at least one New Year's resolution and beginning January 1st stick to it and see what happens.  You may surprise yourself by losing weight, getting in shape, reducing your bills, etc.  Have I resolved to do anything?  Of course, what kind of person would I be if I myself did not take my own advice?  Here are a few of my resolutions:  watch more TV, eat more fried foods, double up on dessert and take more naps - at work.  Guess it's time to take my own advice...STOP IT!  Happy New Year everyone!

Christmas Carols

I've been listening to the radio and most of the stations are playing Christmas Carols - which makes sense because Christmas is right around the corner.  In case you were wondering, this year Christmas falls on December 25th.  So in honor of the Christmas holiday I decided to listen, really listen, to the lyrics of some of these songs.  While the majority of the Carols are nice, inspirational or somewhat fun, the balance are, well, not.

For me, the Christmas music season doesn't begin until I hear an Andy Williams song such as "It's the Most Wonderful  Time of the Year".  After I hear that I've had enough, and I tune into the sports station.  Nah, not really.  But there are stations that, from Thanksgiving through Christmas day, play nothing but Christmas Carols wall-to-wall, 24/7.  And you gotta figure, with all of that time to play music, there has to be at least one or two or dozens of duds among the good music that is there just to fill some time.  Basing our calculations on 744 hours of available time, and figuring in the car sales commercials and news blips every hour, let's estimate the time allotted for music is about 29,760 minutes.  The average Christmas Carol is roughly 3 minutes long, so that means that radio stations play, on average, 9,920 Christmas Carols during the Christmas season!  Now, I don't care how much you like these songs, there has to be one or two among the almost 10,000 Carols that you may not like.  I know a few of you are saying to yourselves "only one or two?  How about 9,919 of them?", leaving room, of course, for Andy Williams' "It's the Most Wonderful  Time of the Year".  Grinches, every one of you!!!

Here are just a few of the gems that are out there.  The old classic "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" is beloved by most kids and adults alike, but have you ever really listened to the words?  "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."  Are ya kidding me?  What a bunch of brats!  Oh, but then, Santa asks him to guide his sleigh and immediately "then all the reindeer loved him..."  Who knew that reindeer were such a fickle, brown-nosing group of animals? (My wife just reminded me that Rudolph has a red nose...since she's not allowed to be funnier than me I will claim I thought of that myself.)  Santa should have benched the reindeer that were making fun of Rudolph for a year and see how THEY liked it!  Benched the reindeer...maybe I should start listening to more Christmas music and less sports radio, eh?

Another song that I wonder about is  "We Wish You a Merry Christmas".  Sounds innocent enough, right?  Wrong!  Listen to some of the words.  "Oh bring us some figgy pudding, oh bring us some figgy pudding, oh bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer".  Don't you love guests that demand not once but three times for you to bring them something?  Oh, but it gets better..."We won't go until we get some, we won't go until we get some,we won't go until we get some,so bring some out here".  Did you know there is a second verse to the song?  It goes "Just get out of my house now, just get out of my house now, just get out of my house now, but leave the presents here!"  Ungrateful snobs, I'll show you.  A bit rude, I grant you, but justified all the same.

Of course there are the songs that are designed to be a bit ridiculous, such as "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer".  My guess is it was one of the reindeer that Santa should have benched...but I digress.  Another classic is "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth"...I won't even comment on that one.  Then there's "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".  Did you know that when that came out there was major controversy over the meaning of the song?  Oh how times have changed!

Granted, there are hundreds of Christmas carols, but most radio stations play a limited number of them, so the likelihood of hearing one of these classics is very good.  I know you may be thinking what a Scrooge I must be, pointing out flaws in Christmas music.  Not true.  I am forced to write this stuff down, otherwise I might explode, and although that may be acceptable for a Fourth of July celebration, on Christmas it just won't fly.  Kind of like the reindeer that Santa should bench.

Let me leave you with this.  My favorite Christmas special on TV is "A Charlie Brown Christmas" because it is the only one I've ever seen that gives the actual meaning of Christmas.  And in this politically correct world we live in (don't get me started about that) it is still refreshing that every year Linus quotes the Bible regarding the birth of Christ, and gives the real meaning behind Christmas.  The clip, of course, is on You Tube.  So if you find yourself up against the grinches and Scrooges of the world, or you get depressed listening to the lyrics of Christmas Carols (thanks to yours truly), remember the words of Linus van Pelt and the real meaning of Christmas.  We here at TK's Random Thoughts wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season.

Veterans Day

Every year on November 11th we celebrate the men and women who have selflessly served in the United States military.  Originally this was the date was called "Armistice Day" commemorating the armistice between Germany and the allied nations ending World War I.  Armistice Day was originally meant to honor those who served in that war, however the decision was made in 1954 to change to name to "Veterans Day" which was meant to honor all American veterans regardless of when or where they had served.  Each year the President issues a Proclamation which officially proclaims November 11th as Veterans Day.

In honor of Veterans Day most federal offices are closed - and as with other holidays such as Memorial Day and Independence Day I often wonder if the people who have that day off actually ever think of the reason for the closings.  When was the last time you thanked a veteran for their service to their country?  I hope you have, and I hope it was recently.  A story comes to mind that my son told me.  He is in the Air Force Air National Guard and talked to me about a train trip he took from CT to his base in MA a few years back.  He was dressed in his fatigues (camouflage uniform) which is the way they travel to and from their monthly drill.  As he was getting on the train a woman came up to him and said "thank you for your service to our country".  I believe he responded by saying something like "you're welcome" and I know he was a bit embarrassed by the event, but I know he will always remember it and be grateful that someone loved this country and its military enough to thank him for his service.

I have also seen times at airports where troops are returning home from overseas, and as they come into the airport from the plane sporadic applause breaks out among the people in the airport.  I love hearing about that.  If Vietnam taught us one thing it is to respect the men and women that selflessly defend and serve our country day in and day out.  Those veterans did not earn any of the ridicule they received on their return home, and I believe it is important to let them know that by giving them our thanks whenever we can.

So this Veterans Day, and any other day you think to, please thank a veteran for his or her service to our country.  All of the God given freedoms of this great land have been bought and paid for by our veterans.  The number one function of the federal government is to keep our people safe; that is accomplished by having a strong military both here and, when necessary, abroad.  When speaking of our military, an unknown author once penned "Whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America", for an amount of "up to and including my life."  Many years ago, my wife and I were at my son's graduation from basic training at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio Texas, and this was brought home to us in a very real way during their Oath of Enlistment.  I unfortunately do not remember the exact words, but they pledged to defend this country if need be with their lives.  That shook me to my core - of course because I was hearing my son say these words, but also because of the hundreds of other airmen that were saying the same thing...and meaning it.

How about this for an idea?  Grab a veteran (be easy though!) and buy him or her a cup of coffee.  Or,  just merely thank them for their service.  Will they be embarrassed?  Perhaps.  But, as with my son, it is something they will probably remember for the rest of their lives.  To everyone who has served, such as my father in law, and my two friends named Jim, and to those who presently serve, thank you for what you have done and what you do for our country.  We owe you more than can be repaid.  Happy Veterans Day!

Words

How in the world can anyone that hasn't spoken English since birth actually learn the language?  And before you start ranking on me, I know kids cannot speak English when they are first born, it's a figure of speech.  They do, however, speak fluent Scream.  The female of the species will continue to speak Scream throughout their lives while the male of the species will only speak Scream on unique occasions, such as when your team wins the World Series for the first time in 86 years.  I'm still a bit horse from October of 2004!

Okay, how many of you caught the word "horse" in the last sentence?  Obviously one cannot be horse, but one can be hoarse, unless you are a horse, because a horse can't be hoarse.  (Sounds like a verse from the TV show "Mr. Ed", doesn't it? If you are younger than 50 years old, just trust me, it does.)  Have you ever thought about how many words in the English language either sound exactly the same or are spelled the same with totally different meanings?  I doubt you have, so it is a good thing you tuned into this blog as I have done the thinking for you.  A scary thought, I know, but true none the less. 

Homophone.  That's the name of a word that is pronounced the same as another but has a different meaning.  I'll bet you didn't even know that those words had a name, did you?  See the things you learn here?  By the time you finish reading this blog you will have earned 12 college credits which will be transferable to any major college in the United States...if you actually read all thirty-something blogs you will have earned the equivalent of a full fledged college degree...a BS, of  course.

Back to the words.  Here's a sample paragraph that illustrates just how confusing our language can be:

I like to right.  I no some people are board with reading so ewe don't have to reed this if you don't want two - it is up to you to chews weather or knot too.  Ore, you can dew something different, like talk on you're sell phone...or knot.  Go dew what you are lead two do.  Ewe can paint the sealing, clean the seller (witch may take you a few daze), have a bowl of serial, wash you're feat, oar pick sum flours - butt not in the reign.  Whatever you choose two due, bee my guessed.

With all of the different words, spellings and meanings, I thought to myself "how can anyone learn English"?   Then I thought to myself "you gotta stop thinking, this is getting too exhausting".  To the person that only speaks English other languages are very confusing.  Take Chinese, for instance.  The word for "Chinese" in Chinese is 中国 and is pronounced something like "chun coa".  The word for "Swedish" in Swedish is 中国 and at first glance looks remarkably like the Chinese rendition of "Chinese".  Actually the "copy & paste" option on my laptop didn't work quite right...let's try that again, shall we?  The Swedish word for "Swedish" is "Svenska".  Speaking of Swedish, they have some interesting words too.  The Swedish word for "glass" is "glos" (pronounced gloss) while the Swedish word for ice cream is literally "glass".  Can you see the danger in ordering dessert there?

Even English words are often times not pronounced as they are written.  Words like "honor" should be pronounced as ha-onor.  Or how about "ballet"?  That should be pronounced ballot, however since there already was a word called ballot some genius decided to make the "et" sound like an "a".  The city of Worcester is pronounced "wooster".  The town of Occum is also pronounced "wooster"...who knew?

Most people don't know that I am multilingual, meaning I can swear in 18 different languages.  Actually that's not true...only in about 12.  Why is it that when someone meets another person who speaks a different language, the first question isn't "how do you say 'how are you' in your language" but "how do you say $#!%"?  Don't deny it, you know you've done that.  Someone once said swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.  Rather than swearing, running or fighting, I think I'll use the only other alternative to get my point across...the language Scream!  WADDYA THINK, HUH?!?

Two Walks, a Wedding and McDreamy

It's been a busy few weeks here at TK's Random Thoughts!  The weekend of September 24th was wicked busy to coin a phrase.  There were two Walks to Break the Silence on Ovarian Cancer, ours here in Connecticut and the other in Rhode Island.  And sandwiched in between our "fourth son" got married to his beautiful bride...it was quite the weekend.  My congratulations to Rashaun and Jen!!!  Their smiles lit up the place more than any bright lights could have.

I know, ladies, all that is well and good but what about McDreamy???  You'll have to wait for it.  (Oh the joys of being a writer and having the power to make people wait for things.)  What's that?  They can skip to the end rather than read the entire blog?  Oh pullease, no one would EVER do that to one of MY blogs!  Right???

If you have never attended a Walk/Run to Break the Silence, first of all, shame on you!  However, if you have never heard of them I will give you a pass - and tell you that next year's CT walk is scheduled for Saturday September 22nd so now you have no excuse!  The walks are to raise funds for the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition (NOCC) whose mission is to raise awareness and promote education about ovarian cancer.  Their goal is not to raise money for research as there are other organizations that do a good job with that.  Rather, educating women and men across the country about the disease is what they do and they do it very well.  You see, since there is no definitive screening test for ovarian cancer it is very important to know the symptoms because, if caught early, the five year survival rate is over 90%.  However, if it is only diagnosed in later stages the prognosis is poor.  Of the roughly 20,000 women who are diagnosed each year with ovarian cancer about 15,000 will die.  This is why education about the disease is so vitally important.  I urge you to take a moment and go to www.ovarian.org and learn more about this.  Many of you know why my wife and I are involved with this great organization as she is an 8 year survivor of the disease, so this is personal to us.  Go look at the website RIGHT NOW!  I'll wait..........but don't forget to come back!

Glad to have you back.  Briefly back to the walks then we'll get to McDreamy.  The walks are a beautiful testimonial to the women and their families who have gone through the battle with ovarian cancer, are presently going through the battle, or who have lost their battle with the disease.  All I can tell you is to try to attend a walk near you as they are located throughout the United States, mostly in September.  The stories you will hear, the education you will receive, and the laughter and tears are all part of a wonderful day of celebration, remembrance and love that you have to experience for yourself.

OK, ladies, you have been patient.  My wife now works for the NOCC and one of her functions as the Faces of Hope Program Coordinator for newly diagnosed women is to visit hospitals and sometimes man a booth (or would that be WOman a booth?) at different locations throughout the U.S.  One such event occurred the weekend of October 8th in Maine which is known as the Dempsey Challenge.  This is an annual event in Lewiston Maine which raises money for the Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing.  Dempsey started the center in honor of his mother who is a survivor of ovarian cancer, and their services are free of charge so events such as this are very important.  My wife and two of her colleagues attended the event for the NOCC.  And if you haven't figured it out yet (yeah, right) Patrick Dempsey plays Dr. Derek Shepherd, aka Dr. McDreamy, on the TV show Grey's Anatomy.  Did they get to meet him?  You tell me...

You know, now that this guy had his picture taken with Madonna, Ronni and Donna I'll bet he becomes famous...how can he miss?  Let's see, if I photoshop him out and put my picture in maybe I'll have a shot at becoming famous!  Nah, who needs it.  Besides, does McDreamy write a blog that is read in Latvia?

10 Years Later - A Tribute

I posted this last night but I wanted also to post it today, on this solemn anniversary.

There are moments that seem to make time stand still; some good and some bad.  Those of us who are of age remember exactly where we were and what we were doing on November 22, 1963 when President John F. Kennedy was shot.  I was seven years old and in school when the janitor came into our classroom to tell the teacher, who began to cry silently.  We then heard the news over the PA system.  I knew at the time that this was a big event, and as time passed it became a defining moment in America.  Most of us also remember the evening of July 20, 1969 when the crew of Apollo 11 became the first humans to land on the surface of the moon.  This event made the name Neil Armstrong a household name.  It was a proud moment in our nation's history, and I remember watching this on TV in amazement.  There were, of course, many other events that helped shape the United States dating back to the birth of our nation back in 1776.  One such event occurred exactly 10 years ago today, and if you are too young to remember the assassination of JFK or even the first moon landing, the events of September 11, 2001 are probably seared into your memory.

As with any other momentous event, everyone probably remembers exactly where they were and what they were doing on that beautiful sunny morning.  I had just completed setting up an insurance program for a local logging company when I noticed that all of the other employees of the agency were standing around in shock talking to one another.  From that moment through the rest of the day the phone did not ring, except for family members checking in.  Since our agency normally received about 50 calls a day, this fact alone was a telling statement of the significance of the events of that day.

We Americans are an interesting group of people.  Thousands of people pass each other on the streets of large cities and towns without even acknowledging one another...that's just the way it is.  We do not consider that rude;  to quote a good friend of mine, "it is what it is!"  However, on that day, when the United States of America stared directly into the face of pure evil, people all across the nation got together to do whatever it was they could do.  Many lined up to give blood at local blood banks, and most donated what money they could to organizations such as the Red Cross to help in whatever efforts they could provide. Days later I remember dropping donations into a fireman's boot at the exit of a local shopping mall, which caused a back-up of traffic leaving the mall...and not one person complained; rather, each gave what they could, very patiently.

I purposely do not want to relive the specific events of that day as we remember all too well what happened in New York City, Washington DC and in Pennsylvania.  Rather, my wish, my prayer, for the country is to never forget what happened and to continue to fight the war on terrorism.  The nearly 3,000 innocent people that perished that day did not die in vain.  The thousands of soldiers that have died since that day have not died in vain.  Our way of life, the very soul of this country was shaken to the core that day.  Because of that, we cannot stand by complacent, hoping that nothing else will happen.  We must, however, continue to go about our normal business with family, friends and business partners, but we must also remain vigilant.

So on this day let us remember the scores of people who died and those who gave their lives, and continue to give their lives, in the battle over the evil in this world.  And let us also remember that on that day we as a people did not roll over and cower in fright, but rather we, beginning with the brave heroes on Flight 93, began to take up the challenge against the powers in this world that would do us harm.  Let's continue the good fight, and may God Bless the United States of America.

5 Days, 10 Hours, 41 Minutes

It's interesting that I mentioned electricity in my last blog, almost like I had a foreshadowing of what was to come.  A lady by the name of Irene stopped by for an uninvited visit and she stayed around just long enough to reek havoc on all she touched.  Ever meet a woman like that?  Many guys have had experiences with a woman that you spent too much money on, only to get raked over the coals and dumped later on.  But I'll bet that you didn't spend millions of dollars on her just to have her take all of your food, water and power.  If you did, you should stop reading this blog right now and go check yourself into a clinic somewhere because you have some major issues, my friend.

5 Days, 10 Hours and 41 Minutes.  That is how long Tropical Storm Irene stole our electricity.  And this was only a tropical storm.  I can only imagine what kind of damage this storm would have produced as a Category 1, 2 or higher hurricane.  I know that many of you have been through worse.  Here in CT we remember Irene's Aunt Gloria and her Uncle Bob stopping by back in the 1985 and 1991, also uninvited.  Just as an aside, ever wonder why a hurricane only has a first name?  You have???  Then you've got way too much time on your hands...why haven't you checked yourself into that clinic yet?

I thought I would keep a diary of the daily happenings during the storm.  I've never been one to keep a diary but I thought what the heck, it's only going to be a day or two tops.

Dear Diary - Day One: Power goes out first thing in the morning.  I turn the front light on so that if I am away from home I will be able to tell if we have power restored before I enter the house.  Fully expecting the loss of power so I'm prepared with a bathtub full of water to flush the toilet.  By the way, did you know that the best way to flush a toilet with no running water is to fill the tank with water and then flush it like you normally do?  That way there is clean water in the bowl which, in a pinch, can be used for, oh I don't know, maybe brushing your teeth.

Dear Diary - Day Two: Power still out.  Already getting sick of turning the light switches on and off thinking if I do it often enough something might happen - other than ticking me off.  Sponge bath time.  What a miserable way of getting clean.  But it beats brushing your teeth in the toilet.

Diary - Day Three: Power no where to be seen.  We have underground power lines at our house so why should we bear the brunt of downed poles and lines?  That's just not fair! For that reason alone we should have power! Give me my power back!  Having to invent ways of getting clean...cold water from the tub is not much fun.  Thought of taking a semi-shower in the toilet but couldn't fit.  Besides, who wants to take a shower where you brush your teeth?

HEY Diary! Day Four: Ornery?  WHO'S ORNEY?  No bleeping electricity.  Sick of listening to the generators in the neighborhood.  Why don't you people get a quiet generator?!?  Then I remember mine is just as loud...doesn't matter!  May as well go outside and clean up after the storm.  Of course I come in soaked from sweat from head to toe with no way of washing up.  What a horrible trick you pulled, Irene - making me clean up after you, without the means to clean myself up!  What kind of a woman are you???  My father taught me never to hit a woman, but if you were here right now...

HEY YOU MISERABLE DIARY - Day Five: Cursing Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and whoever else had ANYTHING to do with that electricity stuff.  The weather is gorgeous outside which ticks me off in two ways; first, because I'm miserable it should be bad weather so EVERYONE can be miserable!  And second, I think if it rains all I would need is some shampoo and soap - and a secluded area of my yard.  Yup, THAT desperate!

Then, some 5 days, 10 hours and 41 minutes later I come home and see the front light on.  YEEHAA!!!  We have power!!!  The first thing I do is run around the house and turn on every light and major appliance just to make up for lost time.  Then I hear the roar of a neighbor's generator which is still running.  Armed with a sawed-off shotgun I venture over to their yard and unload two rounds into that monstrous machine - I guess I still had some pent up frustration, no?

You'll be happy to know I feel much better now now that I have power, water and three square meals a day.  Not at home, mind you, but in a jail cell awaiting sentencing...Goodnight Irene!

Food

I thought of doing a blog of just one word.  Just one word written down and then published as a blog.  I don't know if it has ever been done in the history of the universe (or blogosphere as it is called).  I would love to be the first to do it but alas if it is to be it is obviously not this blog.  But it would be so much easier just to put the one word down, don't you think?  This has absolutely nothing to do with the subject I will be talking about - I just thought "what an interesting idea, no?"  No?!?  Okay, back to reality...here we go.

Food.  There it is.  The one word that I was thinking about using in my One Word Blog.  Why food?  Mainly because every person has to at least think about it every day and most people consume it every day too.  Unless, of course, you are on a hunger strike - but then, why read a blog about food if you are not going to eat it (the food, not the blog...although, this one is full of baloney so munch away my friends).

I always thought it was interesting that one of the very things that is necessary for life can also make us sick.  I suppose there are a lot of things like that though, such as electricity.  Although it isn't necessary for life, electricity has made life much easier - and it has hurt and even killed people.  What a dichotomy!  (Yup, had to look up the spelling on that word.)  For the most part food is safe, unless you happen to be one of the unlucky ones that eats something tainted with salmonella.  I used to live next door to a guy named Sal Manilla.  And he always looked rather pekid...I wonder why?  But I digress...

Even the government gets involved in food.  Did you ever see the Food Pyramid?  Supposedly the foods at the bottom of the pyramid were the best for you and food at the top not so much.  But, as with any other government project they didn't think this one through.  After all, the Food Pyramid is in the shape of a piece of pizza!

Have you ever read the ingredients on some of the so-called food items out there?  I think that if the list of ingredients in a box of any type of food is over an inch long with type so small it has to be read with an electron microscope it shouldn't be consumed.  Not only that, but the ingredients themselves can't even be pronounced.  You have to have a doctorate in Word Pronunciation to attempt it, so for crying out loud DON'T try this at home!  I, however, will do just that.  Here goes - try to guess what food item this ingredient is in: Transmultilaxidosical Extract.  Give up?  Me too, I just made it up.  But, the mere fact that you probably thought it was an actual ingredient is not a good thing.  It means that you already know there are tons of words like that in our food and we take it for granted that they are okay to consume because, well, it's food!  Let the Buyer Beware!

While writing this I tried to find a product here in the house that I could use to prove my point and I could not come up with anything outlandish. Want to know why?  Because my wife has turned our house into an Organic Wonderland and pretty much nothing here has any words like Transmultilaxidosical Extract.  I'm not complaining, mind you, but searching in the back of the food pantry for a stray Oreo is getting real old.  The closest thing we have to junk food here is sugar.  Yes, sugar.  ORGANIC sugar!  Every few months or so a Ben & Jerry's finds its way into the Organic Wonderland and it is consumed before it has time to make it to the freezer.  Poor Ben & Jerry's, it never stands a chance.

Everyone is on a diet - I think it's a law, possibly one of the Amendments to the Constitution.  Of course if you are on a diet that's exactly what you are trying to do...amend your constitution!  Dieting is not easy.  I did it once.  I did the Weight Watchers plan for about a month and lost 12 pounds.  That was 18 pounds ago.  My wife lost over 120 pounds back about 10 years ago - yes, she misplaced our German Shepherd!  No, we never had a German Shepherd.  We do have friends in Germany, does that count?  But again I digress...  She actually did lose all that weight by herself on Weight Watchers.  And I can assure you that it wasn't by eating Transmultilaxidosical Extract.

So you see my feasting friends, food is a very important thing, which is why, of course, it found its way into this blog!  After all, we here at TK's Random Thoughts only talk about the most interesting and important subjects.  Don't believe me?  Look back on blogs from the past and you will see such important discussions such as ladies purses, taxes, and of course the bathroom.  So continue to stop by and be enlightened.  Or if you eat too little food you can become lightened...I guess.  Let me leave you with this thought; some people live to eat, and others eat to live.  I eat to live - unless of course there is a burger and fries lurking around!

Hot Enough For You?

Right now the entire country is in the midst of a heat wave...with the exception of course of Seattle, where it never gets above 68 degrees anyway.  I know, I know it does but this is a blog, remember?  And blogs are notorious for having inaccurate information in them.  All except mine of course.  Back to the heat.  Friday Connecticut set an all-time record with a high temperature of 103 degrees.  If you add the humidity to that it felt like about 211 degrees - not quite boiling, but very close.  The temperature was recorded at Bradley International Airport which, as George Carlin used to say, is stupid because I don't know anyone who lives at the airport!  But I suppose you need somewhere to keep the official stats so someone chose the airport.  Why not downtown?  If you are looking for sensationalism in the weather then I'm sure that the temperature in any downtown area is at least 10 degrees higher than the airport.  Am I the only one that thinks of these things?  I'm beginning to scare myself...

I wonder how the airport got chosen in the first place.  My guess is a bunch of meteorologists stood around a map, threw a dart, and it landed on an airport.  (A little known fact; that is also the way that most forecasters predict the weather, via the Weather Dartboard.  These can only be purchased at a very expensive super secret online weather-type website.  Once you graduate from Meteorology School they give you the website address, you purchase the dartboard and then you too can predict the weather with the same accuracy as every other meteorologist.  Speaking of school, I'm fairly certain the class that taught you how to just look out the window was cancelled.)

As you may know I love the hot weather.  I would still rather have it 103 degrees and dripping with humidity than 10 below zero with a wind chill of minus fingers and toes.  And don't give me the old line "It's easier to get warm than it is to get cold".  Baloney - and any other 8 letter word beginning with B that you can think of.  Get into air conditioning...go swimming...go to the beach...take a few layers of clothing off, being careful to leave at least one layer on if you catch my drift.

One of my favorite lines having to do with the weather is someone walking up to you and saying "hot enough for you?" I would love to tell someone "no, as a matter of fact I want it so hot that chickens will lay fried eggs.  And cows will give evaporated milk.  And corn stalks turn into popcorn.  And my thermometer reads ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"  Hot weather?  Bring it on!  I want it so hot that the politicians have to take their hands out of our pockets to fan themselves...but I don't think it can get that hot on earth!

Okay, enough of the (pop)corny jokes.  Remember last winter?  Remember having to shovel tons and tons of snow?  Remember the bone-chilling cold?  Give me the sunny, hot and humid days of summer.  And if you feel the need to remind yourself of the cold weather, do what I do - go to the beach and build a snowman in the sand.  Would that then be a sandman?  Either way, enjoy the weather.  And if you yearn for cold weather, head north and take a right...Greenland is waiting for you.

Birthdays

I chose this topic because it is one of those things that everyone has...so I decided to write about it.  Why now?  Okay, as self-promoting as this sounds, today is my birthday, so what better day to write about birthdays?  At least it was my birthday when I began to write this back a week or so ago. How old am I?  Why is it okay to ask men that question but not women?  What do you mean I'm avoiding the question???  The answer is 261 if you believe the first blog I wrote, and I look fantastic too!  The real answer is...wait for it...55.  The old Double Nickel for those of you that are CB fanatics.  The speed limit from Greenwich to New Haven on Rt. 95...if  anyone actually reaches 55 on that stretch of road let me know - there's a first time for everything.  The sum of the numbers 1 to 10.  That's fairly cool, eh?  It is the atomic number for caesium (don't ask, I have no clue).  In gallons it would be a 55 gallon drum - which has nothing to do with me unless I gain a few more pounds.

So what's with birthdays anyway?  Kids for the most part love them, adults for the most part, not so much.  So why do we put so much emphasis on that one day of the year if most adults don't really want to be reminded that they are a year older?  I used to work with a woman that was turning 30 and she was a basket case.  She did NOT want anyone to remind her of her birthday.  There is a very easy answer to this type of attitude towards birthdays and that is - what is the alternative?  So what you are getting older?  Even though some people don't like being the center of attention, and I can understand that, to go overboard with it is, well, selfish to a certain extent.  I've always thought that way, but the point was brought home to me in a big way some 7 1/2 years ago.

Want to change your attitude towards having a birthday and being a year older?  Talk to a survivor of a life threatening disease like my wife and I guarantee you won't hear "don't remind me that I'm a year older".  Again, what's the alternative?  Part of life is getting older and if you are lucky you will have a ton of those birthday-things over the course of your life, and even if you aren't fond of them take a moment to thank God that you are still around to have another one.

Okay, off of my soap box.  We recently all chipped in at work and bought lottery tickets because the jackpot was up to something like One Hundred Bazillion dollars.  I figured it out...if we won each one of us would have had about $37,000 after taxes...way to go, Uncle Sam!  That still would have been a great birthday present!  But alas, we did not win (what a surprise).  Think of the things I could have purchased.  For those of you who don't want to have a repeat of the Winter of 2010-2011 I could have bought a snow blower, which, if you've been following along, would assure that we would have no plowable snow in 2011-2012.  But I have not purchased a snow blower so good luck this winter!  However, feel free to contribute to the "Let's End Winter And Give Money To Tom So He Can Buy A Snow Blower" fund which is a non-profit fund because, as you probably already know, there is no profit  in it!  That's enough about winter...ew.

Aren't birthday parties fun?  There are some similarities between kids and adult birthday parties such as a cake with candles, the singing of  "Happy Birthday" and some presents...although the presents vary big time from a kid to an adult, as you know.  One thing you may not know is that the song "Happy Birthday" is copyrighted.  Think about that the next time you sing it at a party and the police break the door down and haul you away in handcuffs.  (Handcuffs actually might be a fine gift at an adult party, but I digress...)  The chances of the police locking you up and throwing away the key are slim, though.  Unless you sing the song in a public or a commercial venue, in which case they have every right to taser you, make you change into an orange jumpsuit and sweat it out on death row.  I'll bet you had no clue the penalties for singing in public were this stiff.  Actually they aren't, although there are a few people I know that should be locked away if they dare sing anything out loud if you catch my drift.  The death penalty may be a bit harsh for them, but maybe life in prison would work...with the possibility of parole.  After all, to not offer parole would be cruel and unusual punishment!

So when your birthday rolls around please let me know, and I will get you the same thing you got me.  Oh, I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

Happy Independence Day!

Quick quiz...does England have a 4th of July?  Answer: yes, the day after the 3rd and the day before the 5th.  They're just not into the celebration aspect of the day, if you catch my drift.

July 4, 1776 - Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence, one of the two most amazing documents ever to be written by a group of individuals, the other being the US Constitution.  The men that drew up the Declaration of Independence and later signed the document pledged their "lives, fortunes and sacred honor" in agreeing to break away from English rule.  Many of the 56 signers lost everything, and these were for the most part wealthy men.  Even knowing that to sign the document was treason in the eyes of the British, with the punishment being death by hanging, not one of these men went back on their word.  These were not crazy men but rather very sober in their thoughts of how a people should be governed.  Nine of these men died during the war that ensued.

A lot has changed in the 240 years since the original "July 4th" but some things remain the same.  We are still a free people thanks in no small part to the men and women of our military who continue to protect us "against all enemies, foreign and domestic".  Just as the signers of the Declaration of Independence pledged their lives to the cause of freedom so to do the members of our military, and we owe them a huge debt of gratitude.

Our republic is still run by a government with a genius system of checks and balances.  My only concern about the government is that the size and scope of it has gotten way out of hand.  Even though it is still the best system in the world, if government does not reign in the spending there could come a day when we will tell our children and grandchildren how it used to be here in America, something that I for one refuse to let happen.  I also see our freedoms slowly eroding away, one by one.  In order to be a truly independent people we need to be free of over-taxation.  We need to revert back to a government that does not intrude in every aspect of our lives, and one that ultimately is not in debt to the tune of over $154,000 per taxpayer in the United States.  This can be done in a number of ways, not the least of which is through the voting booth.  I know We The People can do that.

The summer is my favorite time of the year and the 4th of July holiday is one of my favorite holidays. Not to mention that July is my birthday month.  Yes, much to the chagrin of a few people I do indeed have a birthday month!

So here's wishing everyone a Happy Independence Day.  And if for some reason you're not in a very patriotic mood, listen to Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A."  What a song!  Okay, so fire up the barbecue and eat up, America, because July 4th is hereby designated as a "Calorie-Free Day"!  God Bless the USA.

What? WHAT? WHAT?!?

So originally I thought I might enlighten everyone about the Joy of Colonoscopy but then I thought that may be a bit too graphic.  And besides, what picture would I post at the top of the blog?  Many come to mind but none of them would be too pleasing to the eye, and if you are reading this while eating lets just say that it would allow you to start your diet earlier than you may have planned. Suffice it to say that if it is suggested you get a colonoscopy that you do it.  There, I've done my good deed for the day, which means for the rest of the day I can be a miserable snot...now there's something to look forward to!

So rather than working from the bottom up, so to speak, I thought I would begin from the top down and write this blog about my trip to the audiologist.  In case you think an audiologist is someone that works at Radio Shack selling speakers, you have come to the right place.  You're wrong, but you have come to the right place.  An audiologist is someone that deals with the science of hearing.  They do extensive hearing testing and if need be recommend hearing aids or some other hearing devices that aid in the hearing process.  Seeing as how over the past couple of years I've noticed that I have trouble hearing with background noise I wanted to get this checked out.  At home my wife has noticed that I am saying "what?" more often...I blamed this on the noise from the refrigerator - but she ain't buying it.

I arrive at the office and after filling out the obligatory paperwork I meet with the audiologist who is a very nice guy.  We talk for a while to get my background information, and then we begin the process.  First he goes in and removes whatever wax may be there.  Okay, stop it with the "ewww, gross!" comments.  Like I'm the only one with wax in their ears?  I'm not, am I?  I KNEW I should have asked him that!  Then we step into the soundproof booth (I have no idea if this is what it is actually called, but if it's good enough for a game show it's good enough for me...besides, maybe I'll win a prize!).  The first test is to check out my eardrums.  Eardrum...what an odd name for something that is so sensitive.  The name eardrum sounds like you should be able to go in there with a Q-Tip and start wailing "Wipeout", but I don't recommend it.  This was a quick test and the eardrums are fine.

Now comes the fun part.  He fits me with foam inserts that he pushes into each ear until they touch in the middle.  Okay not quite that far in but far enough.  Then he hands me a buzzer that looks exactly like the ones used in "Jeopardy" - wow, I thought, this IS a game show...I wonder what my parting gift will be...I'll take "I Can't Hear a Stinking Thing" for $500 Alex. He explains how to use the thing and he says we will begin in about 2 minutes.  About 5 minutes later he comes back and says it will be a few more minutes.  Later on he tells me his computer crashed and he had to reboot.  I have that effect on computers but I wasn't about to tell him that for fear of being charged double.  Then we begin the process, pressing the Jeopardy buzzer every time I hear a tone.  Is it just me or does everyone feel like if they miss a tone you're a complete failure?  I blame the feeling on that miserable buzzer and the soundproof booth.

Anyway, after about 30 minutes of testing he comes in and says that we're done.  He just has to print up the results.  So I leave the soundproof booth, expecting of course to have thunderous applause as I exit, finding only the receptionist cooking lunch in the microwave...what a letdown!

Then we sit down and go over the results.  I am completely expecting the results to show that, yes, I do have some hearing loss and it is worse with background noise...after all, the refrigerator, my wife, you know. He pulls out the paperwork with the graphs and begins to explain them all.  He shows me the normal hearing range on the graph then shows me where my results are...ready for this?  Every result is well within the normal range!  WHAT?  (Get it? "What?" C'mon, that was funny!)  All of the results are as close to perfect as you can get.  He tells me that I have the hearing of an 8 year old.  (My wife later commented that it all makes sense now...8 year olds never listen!  She also called me at my office later on in the day and whispered "hello? hello?"  My wife the comedian!)  I'm completely baffled by the findings.  I was ready for almost any answer except for this one.  He explains that my hearing is so good that the background noise is very distracting so I can't hear well in those situations.  Talk about a Catch-22!  I supposedly have great hearing but because of that I can't hear!  By now I'm looking at him like my dog does when she doesn't understand something I've said to her - my head is cocked to one side, although I resist the urge to start panting.  He says that he likes it when people like myself come in to get tested because it proves that his equipment is calibrated correctly.  Huh?  So glad I could help!

He then gives me some suggestions to help in loud background noise situations as well as at home.  Who knows, he may have just saved my marriage!  I, of course, am ticked off because this takes away any excuse I had for not hearing my wife.  Thanks, pal!  And by the way, the parting gift?  A bill.  What kind of a game show is this?  What???

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Ready to take a trip?  Hop into the WABAC Machine (pronounced wayback) with me for a few moments.  Those of you who are my age and older will know what that means...those of you who are younger, or who have never seen the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon with Mr. Peabody and Sherman, pretend we're going back in time. Flash back with me to October 27, 2004 at about 11:45 PM.  There is a lunar eclipse in the sky, and on the ground, in St. Louis, the Boston Red Sox have just completed a sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals for their first World Series title in 86 years.  Now jump back into the WABAC Machine and fast forward to June 15, 2011.  There is a lunar eclipse in the sky* and the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup Championship for the first time in 39 years.  *I know we couldn't see the eclipse here, but call your friends in Mogadishu (God bless you...oops, I thought you sneezed) and they will tell you it happened.  So the Sox win in 2004 during an eclipse, and the Bruins win in 2011 during an eclipse.  Coincidence?  Nope.  And to prove it, check back with me in another 7 years, on January 31, 2018 and watch the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl...which will make history since it will be the first time it has ever been played during a lunar eclipse, and on a Wednesday.  It could happen!

I admittedly am not a hockey fan.  I am, however, a sports fan - and a Boston fan.  So since the Bruins made it to the Stanley Cup finals I've been keeping close track of the goings on in Boston and Vancouver.  I did watch Game 7 of the series when the Bruins won the Cup.  And even though I'm not big into hockey if there is a Game 7 of any sport I want to see it, as "there is no tomorrow, it's for all the marbles, it's do or die, it's win or go home", and on and on and on.  This Sunday I understand there is a Game 7 for the National Tiddlywinks Championship of the World and the Boston Winks are playing for the title against the New York Losers (wait a minute, that's not their name, that name has already been taken by the pin-striped baseball team in NY...but I digress).  I believe it's the New York Flippers.  And, since it's a Game 7 I'll be watching.  I would go to the game but I understand the ticket prices range from $3 to a whopping $25...too rich for my blood.  I hear the venue they are playing in is a daycare facility in downtown Boston which holds about 50 people (75 if you are under 3 feet tall which is most of the people that go there).  I know this all sounds absurd, but it it absolutely true - you just can't make this stuff up.  Okay, maybe I can.

You can accuse me of being a "homer" (one who only roots for the home teams) and that for the most part is true.  So sue me.  Then we'll split the money!  Anyway, it is true - I go for the home laundry (whatever jersey the home team is wearing).  Aren't you glad you tuned in to read this?  Think of the education you are getting in the comfort of your home, or wherever you are.  Where ARE you by the way?  Never mind...

So let's review.  We've learned about lunar eclipses and that they are advantageous to the Boston Sports Teams.  We've learned that you have friends in Mo, Mo, Moga, Mogadishu! (Bless you again...you really should have that checked out, you do look a little pekid.)  We've learned that the 2018 Super Bowl will be played on a Wednesday.  We've also learned that the Tiddlywinks Championship is this Sunday, but I'm not sure of the outcome.  Why?  No eclipse, of course.  Have you forgotten about that already?  Be careful or I may spring a surprise quiz on you.  And of course I have some excellent questions - here's a few samples: Who is buried in Grant's tomb?  When was the Battle of 1812 fought?  And now for the piece de reistance, Who is the George Washington Bridge named after?  If you need me to provide the answers to you, you are in worse shape than I thought.

Okay, done for now.  My congratulations to the Boston Bruins, 2011 Stanley Cup Champions.  And good luck to the Boston Winks...you gotta love the laundry in Boston!

NUMBER 25!

I just looked at the statistics for this blog.  Yes, there are statistics for these blogs.  The stats are actually fascinating.  They tell you things like how many people read your blog by day, week, month and year.  It also tells you what country they are located in.  It also gives me all of the names, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, bank account and credit card numbers...the thing is freaking amazing!  It has enabled me to quit my job and do this full time.  By the way, don't look at your bank or credit card statements - I only take a little money at a time so you won't even notice it.  Aren't you glad you're reading the blog now?!?

Okay, calm down, the stats don't give me all of that information, nor am I an identity thief.  But if any of you want to voluntarily give me any of that information, well, feel free.  Nah, never mind, I couldn't abscond with anyone else's moolah.  Besides, I don't think there is Wi-Fi in prison so my blogging would come to an abrupt end.  For that reason alone I shall stay on the straight and narrow.

The statistics do give you numbers of people and the countries that they are in.  That is cool!  Who knew this was now an International Blog?  The countries that have had at least one person look at the blog read something like the Security Council at the UN: the United States of course, Germany, Canada, United Kingdom, Sweden, Singapore, Denmark, India, Egypt, Russia and China.  While I have friends in Germany and Sweden (and one or two in the US) I don't know anyone else in any of the other countries.  Which makes me wonder what they are thinking when they read this "stuff".  Oh well, I'm looking for a book deal so if you're a publisher in Denmark and you are interested give a ring!  I can't speak Danish, but I love your pastry!

Talk about a tangent...I started this blog with the intention of mentioning that this was my 25th blog - thus the title "Number 25".  I found this out by the statistics, but then I got swept away with all of the other stat-type things.  Oh well, it's my blo-og and I'll cry if I want to...cry if I want to...cry if I want to...you would cry too if it happened to you..."  Egads, where did THAT come from?  Leslie Gore I believe, but I digress.

Anyway, I thought I would stick with the Number 25 theme and look up famous athletes who wore the number 25 jersey.  I began, of course, with the Boston Red Sox.  There were 46 players who wore the number 25 for the Sox, and I'll bet the seamstress that sews the names on the uniforms was pretty ticked off about it.  My three favorites were Tony Conigliaro, Dwight Evans and Mike Lowell.  And how all three wore the same jersey I'll never know.  Some other players from other teams/sports that wear number 25 are Barry Bonds, Fred Biletnikoff, Jim Thome, Mark Teixeira, etc.  25 is also a full roster for most of the season for a baseball team.  But there are other things about the Number 25...it is the sum of the first 5 odd numbers.  Coincidence?  I think not.  (huh?)  It is the year (25 AD) that Aulus Cremutius Cordus, Roman historian, died.  I feel horrible. I missed the funeral.

25 cents is one quarter of a dollar.  At least that's what they say.  And for all of you science aficionados out there, 25 is the atomic number of Manganese.  I always thought Manganese was an island off the coast of Africa, or a spread that you put on a turkey sandwich.  But what do I know?  How about this one...25 is the minimum age for a candidate to the United States House of Representatives.  The way they've been behaving over the past few years you would think that age 25 was the oldest member of the House!  Interstate 25 is a freeway that runs from New Mexico to Wyoming.  I wonder what the problem is with New Mexico that makes the road run to Wyoming?  Those of you who live in New Mexico, please shed some light on this.  If you've been married for 25 years you are celebrating your Silver Anniversary.  Come to think of it, we never received any silver on our 25th anniversary.  But it's never too late, folks, feel free to send us all of your silver.  Heck, gold too if it makes you feel better!  Then there is the song "In The Year 2525" by Zager & Evans...a real upbeat song about humans basically falling apart and machines doing everything for you.  A real toe-tapper.

So that brings us back to the fact that this is Number 25.  I have no clue as to what the next 25 blogs are going to bring, but I can tell you one thing - there will be a Birthday Blog in the not-too-distant-future.  Details at 11.  I was going to put details at 25 but there is no 25 o'clock.  However, if your clock strikes 25 what time is it?  Everybody say it with me...time to get a new clock!!!  Another reason why yours truly does not do stand-up.  Because as everybody knows you sit-down to write a blog!  Duh!

Slogans...Words to Live Buy

Virtually every business has a slogan...one of those catchy one liners that is supposed to make you remember the product or service they provide.  Some are very catchy - "Just Do It", "got milk?", etc.  If you are wondering how I came up with the idea to do a blog about slogans, and I know you are, I heard possibly the most stupid slogan I have ever heard on the radio the other day.  It was for a car dealership.  The slogan was "The dealership that advertises what we CAN do, not what we CAN'T".  Am I missing something here?  When is the last time you heard a company advertising what they could NOT do?  Although I'm no advertising guru, I myself came up with a slogan designed just for the genius that invented the dealership slogan:  "XYZ Advertising Agency...raking in the bucks while all our slogans suck!"  I know, a bit vulgar, but catchy don't you think?

A good slogan or commercial can be the difference between making it big: The American Express Card - Don't leave home without it...or not making it at all: (see the dealership slogan above).  I'll bet almost everyone can recite virtually any slogan with a little prodding.  Let's put that to the test, shall we?  Here are some slogans.  You need to tell me what company they belong to. Here we go:

You're in good hands with ___________
What's in your wallet?
Nothing runs like a _________
You can do it. We can help.
Improving home improvement.
I'm lovin' it.
Nobody doesn't like _____ ____
You are now free to move about the country.
That was easy.
Like a good neighbor, _____ ____ is there.
We run the tightest ship in the shipping business.

How did you do?  Good I hope because I'm not going to give you the answers! You want answers? Do you think you're entitled? You want answers?!? You want the truth?!?  YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!  Sorry, got a little carried away with one of my favorite lines from my favorite movie "A Few Good Men".

Some slogans are so catchy that you remember them decades after they are gone.  And some were very suggestive:

Does she or doesn't she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure. (Clairol Hair Color)
Take it off...take it all off!  (Noxema Medicated Shave)
I'd walk a mile for a Camel. (Huh? I suppose if you're in a desert maybe.)

Since I'm in a very nutty mood, because after all, Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes You Don't, I'm toying with the idea of giving you the answers in my next blog.  But alas, since some of you know where I live I suppose I'll cave under the peer pressure....Have It Your Way. Here you go:

Allstatecapitalonedeerehomedepotlowesmcdonaldssaraleesouthwestairlinesstaplesstatefarmups.

(I couldn't make it real easy for you, where is the fun in that?)  After all, We Try Harder!   Feel free to read my blog wherever you like because It's Everywhere You Want To Be...Just Let Your Fingers Do The Walking.  You can read this blog at work too because You Deserve a Break Today. Your comments are always welcome too, When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best.  You see, the beauty of reading this is that It Is Ready When You Are.  And never doubt the facts brought forth here as This Is Where The Rubber Meets The Road.  You see, we here at TK's Random Thoughts are Just Slightly Ahead Of Our Time. 

I may never end this blog..It Keeps Going and Going and Going...And don't forget, this is the blog that advertises what it CAN do, not what it CAN'T!

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day!  Just a quick blog about the holiday we celebrate this weekend.  Many Americans will be traveling on this long holiday weekend, there will be many parties, cookouts and get-togethers.  I hope that everyone realizes the reason we celebrate Memorial Day and what it actually means.  I'm not going to go into the detailed history of the holiday but it was first recognized back in 1868.  I think there are a number of people that mistake the meaning of Memorial Day with that of Veterans Day, thinking this holiday is to pay homage to and thank the current veterans for their service...never let it be said that I was against praising our armed forces whenever we can, but this holiday is to remember those in the military who have lost their lives defending our freedom; those who have made the ultimate sacrifice, as well as those servicemen and women who have passed on before us.

The mere fact that I am able to do a blog such as this and write whatever I choose is a direct result of the brave members of our armed forces who have fought and died for this privilege - that of free speech.  This freedom and many others must never be taken for granted.  There are those among us who think nothing of slowly eroding the freedoms that our forefathers shed their blood for, and that burns me more than you can imagine.

I think of my father, who was in the Navy during World War II.  He was on a munitions ship in the Pacific Ocean, and although he did tell me one or two stories about his life in the military I would have liked to hear more about it from him.  Especially now that I have a deeper understanding of  what it means to be a member of the military and the sacrifices they as well as their families make on a daily basis.  My father in law was in the Marines at the end of the Korean War and he has shared some stories of that time with me which is great.

During the festivities this weekend take some time to say a prayer for those families for whom this Memorial Day is especially poignant - those who over this past year have lost a family member in the defense of our country...those families that now realize the true meaning of the holiday.  If you know a "Gold Star" family such as this, reach out to them this weekend, even if it's to just say you're thinking about them.

So knowing the meaning of Memorial Day, should you thank a current or past member of the armed forces today?  Absolutely.  Not only today but anytime you think to do that.  So just to name a few, thanks Jim in Florida, Jim in Putnam, and of course my son Justin, and the many other men and women who are currently serving.  But don't forget the real meaning of the holiday.  Have fun, enjoy the weekend, say a quick prayer, and have a hot dog for me!

Name That Tune!

Have you ever heard a song that sticks in your mind that you wish you hadn't heard?  You know, one of those songs that you don't like but once you hear it you find yourself humming it over and over all day?  Maybe a kid's song like "The wheels on the bus go round and round" or a more adult song like "99 bottles of beer on the wall"  or any song by REO Speedwagon?  Doesn't that drive you crazy?  While I'm not here to add to anyone's insanity (although I could be talked into it )  I do want to discuss the subject of music, of which I am an expert.  Okay, maybe not an expert but I know a lot about it.  Okay, I may not know a lot about it but I do listen to the radio.  Okay, I listen to talk radio but I can have an opinion on music, can't I?

I get a kick out of some of the titles of songs, especially some of the country music songs...here's a few: "If the Phone Don't Ring You'll  Know Its Me", or "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away" or my personal favorite "I Kissed Her Lips Goodbye and Left Her Behind For You".  Some lyrics of songs are interesting too.  Consider Lady Gaga's song "Bad Romance" with the lyric "rah, rah, ah, ah, ah, roma, roma ma, gaga olala..."  Speaking of lyrics that stick in your head!  Of course there have always been odd lyrics to songs.  How about "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"...huh? Or how about "How much is that doggy in the window (arf-arf).  No, I did not add the barking - it's in the song.  But if I were to come up with a song like that barking would absolutely be part of it.

Most everyone has a favorite song or a favorite singer or band.  I like the early Beatles music, before they went off the deep end.  I also like much of the 60's and 70's music.  It's interesting - the only place where  I can listen to that genre of music is on an "oldies" station...an "oldies" station?  C'mon, it was only a few years ago when those records were made, right?  Yea, right!  Even the word "record" is outdated.  Some of you know the story of my youngest son.  When he was about 13 years old we bought him an old turntable with the speakers attached.  Then I showed him how to use it: I placed an LP (Long Playing Record for those of you under 30 years old) on the spindle, hit the reject knob then the record player dropped the record onto the turntable, the arm of the player swung around and landed on the record exactly in the right place...then the music started to play.  My son's eyes lit up and he yelled out "WOW, COOL!"  I instantly felt like I was 92 years old.  This machine that was commonplace back when I was a kid had become a circus side show, similar I suppose to someone using indoor plumbing for the first time...what a novelty!  Quick trivia question: how many grooves are on the average 45 record?  The answer later on...I have to make you read the rest of this somehow!

So records are no longer records, they are CD's.  Now you no longer have the pleasure of listening to the static in the background of your favorite record that you have played over and over - all of the songs now are for the most part crystal clear.  What fun is that?  Gone is the challenge of trying to stop a record from skipping by placing a penny on the arm of the record player.  Then trying to stop the record because the penny fell off and is ruining the rest of the record!  Yup, those were the days!

While most people can tell you what their favorite song is, I'll bet few can tell you right off the bat what their least favorite song is.  I of course can.  The song with this dubious distinction is Rod Stewart's "Maggie May".  How I loathe that song!  And why you may ask?  Back when I was a freshman in high school they had a DJ that played music before classes in the morning.  I wasn't too fond of school and the DJ played this song every morning for the entire school year.  I still dive to change the station when that song comes on.  Ew. 

I am always amazed at people that like all types of music.  My middle son likes virtually every type of music. Shameless plug time...He is a member of the Air Force Air National Guard Band of the Northeast (http://www.bandofthenortheast.ang.af.mil/).  If you click on "photos" he's the handsome chap in the photo with Wayne Newton standing up behind Wayne just to the right (with glasses) holding a sax.  All of our United States military family is to be congratulated for the outstanding job they all do, including these very talented musicians.  If you get a chance to see them play I highly recommend it.

Quite a few people like to sing along with their favorite singers and songs.  Some are good singers...some, not so much.  Here's where I would normally say to the not-so-good singers "you know who you are" but unfortunately they do NOT know who they are.  Have you noticed this?  That people that can't carry a tune in a bucket have no idea that they don't even have a bucket?  We must stop those people from singing by any means possible.  Here's a good non-violent way of doing that.  When they begin to sing, say, an Elton John song, ask them why Elton John sings that song.  When they answer they don't know, tell them "so YOU don't have to!"  Just don't quote me or I'll deny it all.  What's that?  It's in writing?  Well, apparently some people shouldn't write either! (Present company accepted of course!)

Answer to the trivia question: One.  There is one groove on every record.  If there was more than one, how would the record play?  DUH! (Insert smiley face here)

Themeless Thoughts Thrown Throughout

Themeless Thoughts...thounds like I'm lithping, doethn't it?

Everyone has little tidbits of information that they carry around - useless factoids that take up space and clutter things up in the brain, making it difficult, if not impossible, to remember the important things in life...things like which gas station has gas under $4 a gallon (none right now, by the way) to where did I put my keys?  Oh yea, I left them in the ignition, which explains why my car is being driven away as we speak.  I probably should call the police, but my wife might get upset at the thought of being pulled over...no sense of humor, you know?  Anyway, I thought if I write these thoughts down it would free up some much needed space in my gray matter so I can fully understand Einstein's E=mc2 or at least how my keys can get up and move on their own.

We try to eat as organically as possible which is a good idea for everyone.  One thing we always purchase are organic apples.  They say that apples are one of the fruits that should be eaten organically because they absorb pesticides very easily.  Each apple has a sticker on it stating that it is an organic apple.  What nobody knows, except for me of course, is that the sticker itself is highly toxic and if you don't wash the sticker goo off of the apple you will get violently ill within seconds.  So much for eating organically, eh?

Keeping with the food theme, let's discuss yogurt...but not the yogurt itself, rather the container it comes in.  Have you noticed that all yogurt containers are not made smooth but rather have a lot of indents - sort of like a set of stairs going to the bottom of the container.  Each of these "stairs" holds a little bit of yogurt that you cannot get to with a spoon.  This is done on purpose by the yogurt manufacturers so that rather than being filled up after eating one yogurt, now you need to eat a second one because you can't get at all of the yogurt in the first one.  How notorious of the manufacturers to come up with a scheme like this.  You will not read about this anywhere else but here, which I'm sure does not surprise you.

Quick one...in the alphabet the letter "M" should come before the letter "L".  I have absolutely no reasoning behind this, just a gut feeling.  Whoever originally invented the English alphabet was obviously having a bad day when he decided the "M" verses "L" thing.

We've all heard the joke about Teflon pans...if Teflon is a non-stick surface how does it stick to the pan?  I'll take it one step further.  We have a Teflon pan that had a huge sticker on it that we can't get off!  I have tried everything including boiling water in it, to no avail.  Kinda makes you wonder how good the pan would work if I did get the sticker off of it.  How ironic!  I'll bet that the sticker was made by the same folks that make the stickers for the organic apples so maybe I should just throw the pan away.

Here's a quick time saver.  Almost every household has a microwave.  (Household?  What's with that word?  It's a strange word don't you think?  It had to be invented by the guy that decided "M" comes before L", but I digress.)  Back to saving time.  How often do you go to heat something up for a few seconds so you press the number 2 and then the number 0 for 20 seconds.  Rather than taking the time to go all of the way from the 2 to the 0, which takes roughly one second, why not press the number 2 twice?  You save about a second each time you use the microwave!  If you multiply it out, over the course of a year you have saved yourself just over 30 minutes.  No need to thank me, that's why I'm here.

It has been scientifically proven that roughly 73% of the time an itch occurs where you cannot reach it.  Why is that?  Is there some sort of insidious "Itch Bug" that infests the world, who's sole purpose in life is to make you miserable, while you search for a door jam to scratch your back like a bear does against a tree in the woods?  And speaking of bears, does a bear know it's bare?  And does a fish know it's wet? Quick question: what do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

Does anyone have a membership to a gym?  And when you go to the gym do you drive around for days looking for the best parking spot?  Think about what you are doing!  Gym parking lots should be totally empty except for the parking spaces that are on the perimeter of the parking lot.  If you are there to get in shape then start in the parking lot for crying out loud!  That way I can park up close to the store, which is next to the gym, to pick up my organic ice cream and Oreo's.  Because as everyone knows, organic things have no calories or fat, so eat up. What did you say?  That's not true?!?  Well!!! Where's that Itch Bug when I need it?

Fridgnoscopy

I always thought Spring Cleaning was an interesting term.  How do springs get dirty anyway?  And why would one want to clean them?

Spring cleaning...ain't it fun?  Shoveling out all of the stuff that was accumulated over the winter.  Actually the words "shoveling" and "winter" should not be allowed in the same sentence during the spring, summer and autumn seasons.  Winter - dislike!  Spring is a great time of year, where you can open the windows and the air from the outside doesn't immediately freeze and slam your nose shut.  Of course as the days get longer we are able to see more and more of the dirt, dust, grime, grunge, filth and crud in the house so spring cleaning is a must.  What's that?  You don't have all of that dirt in your house?  Um, me either.  But humor me.

Part of the spring cleaning ritual can be the Cleaning of the Refrigerator, better known as a Fridgnoscopy.  This is a term I totally stole from my friend Pete, who took it upon himself to do the unthinkable...to clean out the office refrigerator!  Dr. Pete, as he called himself due to the Fridgnoscopy procedure he pioneered, found items dating as far back as 1998.  Granted, it was only a container of salt (I believe the label said Dead Sea Salt).  There were other items in there from the early 2000's which has everyone at the office baffled.  You see, the office building was built in 2005, so how did these items make it into a fridge that had only been there since 2005?  Me thinks there is more to this story than meets the eye but I am afraid to pursue it.  Suffice it to say that things that had fur, that didn't originally have fur, are now no longer polluting the fridge.  The operation was a complete success...thanks, Dr. Pete!  Now we'll see if the insurance will cover his bill.

There are two types of cleaning: voluntary and mandatory.  Most people clean voluntarily; that is, they will vacuum the house at least once a week, dust and do other maintenance-type cleaning chores.  Mandatory cleaning involves cleaning that, if you don't do it, will eventually kill you.  Well, maybe not kill you, but what it will do is give you an added benefit most people do not want - house guests of the non-domesticated four legged variety.  Here's an example of cleaning - try to guess which category it fits in.  A woman was feeling energetic one day and made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all of the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor and walls & ceiling.  Voluntary you guess?  Wrong!  This was an example of mandatory cleaning because she forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl.  I know no one that reads this blog has ever done that...this audience is way too intelligent to have had that happen!

Some people like to clean and then there's me.  I actually don't mind it but there are always more important things to do than to clean, which makes it easy to put off til tomorrow what could be done today.         I know that sounds like I am procrastinating but that's not the case.  I could explain more about procrastination now but I think I'll do it  later on. 

So here is a Tip of the Day for cleaning: always keep several get well cards on the mantel - if unexpected guests show up they will think you have been sick and not able to clean...problem solved.  And don't forget - if you think your refrigerator is in need of a Fridgnoscopy, Dr. Pete makes house calls!  Now if I could just get him to come over here...

Say What?

I've always been interested in "sayings".  You know, those one liners that everyone grew up with - like "the pot calling the kettle black", or "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  I know that everyone out there is just dying to find out how all of these sayings have come about so it is my mission in this blog to get you as much information as I possibly can so that you can stop worrying about the origin of sayings...and begin to worry about something of much more importance, such as how to pay me for all of the research I have done.  I can certainly help you with that one!

First, a couple that my father used when we were growing up.  "What a half-baked clam!", meaning that someone really didn't know what they were talking about.  "Straighten up and fly right" - he would tell me that when I was being a little less than perfect...hard to believe, I know.  And of course the old "what a jabroni!" which was reserved exclusively for idiots on the road.  I could add in a few from my father-in-law which are hilarious, however the rating on this blog would go from "G" to at least "PG" so we'll leave it at that!

"He's a Big Wig".  Ever wonder about  that one?  Apparently way back in the 1700's men wore wigs and the larger the wig the more important they were thought to be.  If big hair was the way to importance today I would be at the bottom of the food chain, if you catch my drift.

Horses have a number of sayings affiliated with them.  "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."  Those of you who own horses know that you can tell a horse's age by looking at their teeth...not unlike some people I know.  So when you are given a gift you are to be gracious about it and accept it. "Wow! Just what I always wanted, an Elmer Fudd Chia Pet!"  The saying "straight from the horse's mouth" means that you are getting the true story right from the source - again referring to the horse's teeth being the true measure of their age.  I'm surprised that there isn't a cottage industry to make dentures for horses.  "Wait a minute, this horse can't even walk!"  "But the horse is only three years old, see?  Check his teeth!"  And how can we forget "long in the tooth."  Again, describing horses and some people I have known.  Keeping with the theme, quick joke.  A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "so why the long face?"  This is why I don't do stand-up.

How about "Red Tape"?  Long ago official documents were bound with red tape.  Nowadays everything  government is bound with red tape - the real thick sticky kind that makes it impossible to do almost anything. My guess is that you knew this already.

"Put a sock in it!"  Most of us know this means to shut up!  This one may have come from the old gramophone record players that didn't have volume controls...the suggestion was made to put socks in the horn of the machine to lower the volume.  I thought this one was only recently made up because this saying, above and beyond all of the others, has many appropriate applications today.

"Cost an arm and a leg".   Old time artists used to charge for their portrait paintings based on the number of limbs to be included in the painting.  Today "it costs an arm and a leg" aptly describes what?  You got it, the price of gas.  Another saying comes to mind which combines the human body and gas (no, let's not go there) and it is "foot the bill".  This came from having to add the numbers in a column and putting the total at the foot of the bill.  Long ago customers were asked to foot the bill to check the arithmetic before they paid.  Today you are asked to foot the bill every time you fill up.  As far as gas prices I can think of a better use of a foot, involving a good swift kick in the keester.

"Pay through the nose."  Wow, could I have some fun with this one!  Some think this was originally "led by the nose" and meant being controlled or dominated by someone.  Others think it originated many centuries ago; if someone didn't pay a tax they would have their noses...well, let's just say that if you had a stuffy nose back then it would no longer be stuffy.  I don't make this up, I just report it.  I think if someone owed me money and they were going to pay through the nose I may forgive the debt.

My blog must be coming to an end.  How do I know this?  There is a woman in our neighborhood who is just slightly overweight.  I hear her singing outside, and as everyone knows, it ain't over til the fat lady sings!