Name That Tune!

Have you ever heard a song that sticks in your mind that you wish you hadn't heard?  You know, one of those songs that you don't like but once you hear it you find yourself humming it over and over all day?  Maybe a kid's song like "The wheels on the bus go round and round" or a more adult song like "99 bottles of beer on the wall"  or any song by REO Speedwagon?  Doesn't that drive you crazy?  While I'm not here to add to anyone's insanity (although I could be talked into it )  I do want to discuss the subject of music, of which I am an expert.  Okay, maybe not an expert but I know a lot about it.  Okay, I may not know a lot about it but I do listen to the radio.  Okay, I listen to talk radio but I can have an opinion on music, can't I?

I get a kick out of some of the titles of songs, especially some of the country music songs...here's a few: "If the Phone Don't Ring You'll  Know Its Me", or "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away" or my personal favorite "I Kissed Her Lips Goodbye and Left Her Behind For You".  Some lyrics of songs are interesting too.  Consider Lady Gaga's song "Bad Romance" with the lyric "rah, rah, ah, ah, ah, roma, roma ma, gaga olala..."  Speaking of lyrics that stick in your head!  Of course there have always been odd lyrics to songs.  How about "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"...huh? Or how about "How much is that doggy in the window (arf-arf).  No, I did not add the barking - it's in the song.  But if I were to come up with a song like that barking would absolutely be part of it.

Most everyone has a favorite song or a favorite singer or band.  I like the early Beatles music, before they went off the deep end.  I also like much of the 60's and 70's music.  It's interesting - the only place where  I can listen to that genre of music is on an "oldies" station...an "oldies" station?  C'mon, it was only a few years ago when those records were made, right?  Yea, right!  Even the word "record" is outdated.  Some of you know the story of my youngest son.  When he was about 13 years old we bought him an old turntable with the speakers attached.  Then I showed him how to use it: I placed an LP (Long Playing Record for those of you under 30 years old) on the spindle, hit the reject knob then the record player dropped the record onto the turntable, the arm of the player swung around and landed on the record exactly in the right place...then the music started to play.  My son's eyes lit up and he yelled out "WOW, COOL!"  I instantly felt like I was 92 years old.  This machine that was commonplace back when I was a kid had become a circus side show, similar I suppose to someone using indoor plumbing for the first time...what a novelty!  Quick trivia question: how many grooves are on the average 45 record?  The answer later on...I have to make you read the rest of this somehow!

So records are no longer records, they are CD's.  Now you no longer have the pleasure of listening to the static in the background of your favorite record that you have played over and over - all of the songs now are for the most part crystal clear.  What fun is that?  Gone is the challenge of trying to stop a record from skipping by placing a penny on the arm of the record player.  Then trying to stop the record because the penny fell off and is ruining the rest of the record!  Yup, those were the days!

While most people can tell you what their favorite song is, I'll bet few can tell you right off the bat what their least favorite song is.  I of course can.  The song with this dubious distinction is Rod Stewart's "Maggie May".  How I loathe that song!  And why you may ask?  Back when I was a freshman in high school they had a DJ that played music before classes in the morning.  I wasn't too fond of school and the DJ played this song every morning for the entire school year.  I still dive to change the station when that song comes on.  Ew. 

I am always amazed at people that like all types of music.  My middle son likes virtually every type of music. Shameless plug time...He is a member of the Air Force Air National Guard Band of the Northeast (http://www.bandofthenortheast.ang.af.mil/).  If you click on "photos" he's the handsome chap in the photo with Wayne Newton standing up behind Wayne just to the right (with glasses) holding a sax.  All of our United States military family is to be congratulated for the outstanding job they all do, including these very talented musicians.  If you get a chance to see them play I highly recommend it.

Quite a few people like to sing along with their favorite singers and songs.  Some are good singers...some, not so much.  Here's where I would normally say to the not-so-good singers "you know who you are" but unfortunately they do NOT know who they are.  Have you noticed this?  That people that can't carry a tune in a bucket have no idea that they don't even have a bucket?  We must stop those people from singing by any means possible.  Here's a good non-violent way of doing that.  When they begin to sing, say, an Elton John song, ask them why Elton John sings that song.  When they answer they don't know, tell them "so YOU don't have to!"  Just don't quote me or I'll deny it all.  What's that?  It's in writing?  Well, apparently some people shouldn't write either! (Present company accepted of course!)

Answer to the trivia question: One.  There is one groove on every record.  If there was more than one, how would the record play?  DUH! (Insert smiley face here)

Themeless Thoughts Thrown Throughout

Themeless Thoughts...thounds like I'm lithping, doethn't it?

Everyone has little tidbits of information that they carry around - useless factoids that take up space and clutter things up in the brain, making it difficult, if not impossible, to remember the important things in life...things like which gas station has gas under $4 a gallon (none right now, by the way) to where did I put my keys?  Oh yea, I left them in the ignition, which explains why my car is being driven away as we speak.  I probably should call the police, but my wife might get upset at the thought of being pulled over...no sense of humor, you know?  Anyway, I thought if I write these thoughts down it would free up some much needed space in my gray matter so I can fully understand Einstein's E=mc2 or at least how my keys can get up and move on their own.

We try to eat as organically as possible which is a good idea for everyone.  One thing we always purchase are organic apples.  They say that apples are one of the fruits that should be eaten organically because they absorb pesticides very easily.  Each apple has a sticker on it stating that it is an organic apple.  What nobody knows, except for me of course, is that the sticker itself is highly toxic and if you don't wash the sticker goo off of the apple you will get violently ill within seconds.  So much for eating organically, eh?

Keeping with the food theme, let's discuss yogurt...but not the yogurt itself, rather the container it comes in.  Have you noticed that all yogurt containers are not made smooth but rather have a lot of indents - sort of like a set of stairs going to the bottom of the container.  Each of these "stairs" holds a little bit of yogurt that you cannot get to with a spoon.  This is done on purpose by the yogurt manufacturers so that rather than being filled up after eating one yogurt, now you need to eat a second one because you can't get at all of the yogurt in the first one.  How notorious of the manufacturers to come up with a scheme like this.  You will not read about this anywhere else but here, which I'm sure does not surprise you.

Quick one...in the alphabet the letter "M" should come before the letter "L".  I have absolutely no reasoning behind this, just a gut feeling.  Whoever originally invented the English alphabet was obviously having a bad day when he decided the "M" verses "L" thing.

We've all heard the joke about Teflon pans...if Teflon is a non-stick surface how does it stick to the pan?  I'll take it one step further.  We have a Teflon pan that had a huge sticker on it that we can't get off!  I have tried everything including boiling water in it, to no avail.  Kinda makes you wonder how good the pan would work if I did get the sticker off of it.  How ironic!  I'll bet that the sticker was made by the same folks that make the stickers for the organic apples so maybe I should just throw the pan away.

Here's a quick time saver.  Almost every household has a microwave.  (Household?  What's with that word?  It's a strange word don't you think?  It had to be invented by the guy that decided "M" comes before L", but I digress.)  Back to saving time.  How often do you go to heat something up for a few seconds so you press the number 2 and then the number 0 for 20 seconds.  Rather than taking the time to go all of the way from the 2 to the 0, which takes roughly one second, why not press the number 2 twice?  You save about a second each time you use the microwave!  If you multiply it out, over the course of a year you have saved yourself just over 30 minutes.  No need to thank me, that's why I'm here.

It has been scientifically proven that roughly 73% of the time an itch occurs where you cannot reach it.  Why is that?  Is there some sort of insidious "Itch Bug" that infests the world, who's sole purpose in life is to make you miserable, while you search for a door jam to scratch your back like a bear does against a tree in the woods?  And speaking of bears, does a bear know it's bare?  And does a fish know it's wet? Quick question: what do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

Does anyone have a membership to a gym?  And when you go to the gym do you drive around for days looking for the best parking spot?  Think about what you are doing!  Gym parking lots should be totally empty except for the parking spaces that are on the perimeter of the parking lot.  If you are there to get in shape then start in the parking lot for crying out loud!  That way I can park up close to the store, which is next to the gym, to pick up my organic ice cream and Oreo's.  Because as everyone knows, organic things have no calories or fat, so eat up. What did you say?  That's not true?!?  Well!!! Where's that Itch Bug when I need it?

Fridgnoscopy

I always thought Spring Cleaning was an interesting term.  How do springs get dirty anyway?  And why would one want to clean them?

Spring cleaning...ain't it fun?  Shoveling out all of the stuff that was accumulated over the winter.  Actually the words "shoveling" and "winter" should not be allowed in the same sentence during the spring, summer and autumn seasons.  Winter - dislike!  Spring is a great time of year, where you can open the windows and the air from the outside doesn't immediately freeze and slam your nose shut.  Of course as the days get longer we are able to see more and more of the dirt, dust, grime, grunge, filth and crud in the house so spring cleaning is a must.  What's that?  You don't have all of that dirt in your house?  Um, me either.  But humor me.

Part of the spring cleaning ritual can be the Cleaning of the Refrigerator, better known as a Fridgnoscopy.  This is a term I totally stole from my friend Pete, who took it upon himself to do the unthinkable...to clean out the office refrigerator!  Dr. Pete, as he called himself due to the Fridgnoscopy procedure he pioneered, found items dating as far back as 1998.  Granted, it was only a container of salt (I believe the label said Dead Sea Salt).  There were other items in there from the early 2000's which has everyone at the office baffled.  You see, the office building was built in 2005, so how did these items make it into a fridge that had only been there since 2005?  Me thinks there is more to this story than meets the eye but I am afraid to pursue it.  Suffice it to say that things that had fur, that didn't originally have fur, are now no longer polluting the fridge.  The operation was a complete success...thanks, Dr. Pete!  Now we'll see if the insurance will cover his bill.

There are two types of cleaning: voluntary and mandatory.  Most people clean voluntarily; that is, they will vacuum the house at least once a week, dust and do other maintenance-type cleaning chores.  Mandatory cleaning involves cleaning that, if you don't do it, will eventually kill you.  Well, maybe not kill you, but what it will do is give you an added benefit most people do not want - house guests of the non-domesticated four legged variety.  Here's an example of cleaning - try to guess which category it fits in.  A woman was feeling energetic one day and made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all of the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor and walls & ceiling.  Voluntary you guess?  Wrong!  This was an example of mandatory cleaning because she forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl.  I know no one that reads this blog has ever done that...this audience is way too intelligent to have had that happen!

Some people like to clean and then there's me.  I actually don't mind it but there are always more important things to do than to clean, which makes it easy to put off til tomorrow what could be done today.         I know that sounds like I am procrastinating but that's not the case.  I could explain more about procrastination now but I think I'll do it  later on. 

So here is a Tip of the Day for cleaning: always keep several get well cards on the mantel - if unexpected guests show up they will think you have been sick and not able to clean...problem solved.  And don't forget - if you think your refrigerator is in need of a Fridgnoscopy, Dr. Pete makes house calls!  Now if I could just get him to come over here...

Say What?

I've always been interested in "sayings".  You know, those one liners that everyone grew up with - like "the pot calling the kettle black", or "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush".  I know that everyone out there is just dying to find out how all of these sayings have come about so it is my mission in this blog to get you as much information as I possibly can so that you can stop worrying about the origin of sayings...and begin to worry about something of much more importance, such as how to pay me for all of the research I have done.  I can certainly help you with that one!

First, a couple that my father used when we were growing up.  "What a half-baked clam!", meaning that someone really didn't know what they were talking about.  "Straighten up and fly right" - he would tell me that when I was being a little less than perfect...hard to believe, I know.  And of course the old "what a jabroni!" which was reserved exclusively for idiots on the road.  I could add in a few from my father-in-law which are hilarious, however the rating on this blog would go from "G" to at least "PG" so we'll leave it at that!

"He's a Big Wig".  Ever wonder about  that one?  Apparently way back in the 1700's men wore wigs and the larger the wig the more important they were thought to be.  If big hair was the way to importance today I would be at the bottom of the food chain, if you catch my drift.

Horses have a number of sayings affiliated with them.  "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."  Those of you who own horses know that you can tell a horse's age by looking at their teeth...not unlike some people I know.  So when you are given a gift you are to be gracious about it and accept it. "Wow! Just what I always wanted, an Elmer Fudd Chia Pet!"  The saying "straight from the horse's mouth" means that you are getting the true story right from the source - again referring to the horse's teeth being the true measure of their age.  I'm surprised that there isn't a cottage industry to make dentures for horses.  "Wait a minute, this horse can't even walk!"  "But the horse is only three years old, see?  Check his teeth!"  And how can we forget "long in the tooth."  Again, describing horses and some people I have known.  Keeping with the theme, quick joke.  A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "so why the long face?"  This is why I don't do stand-up.

How about "Red Tape"?  Long ago official documents were bound with red tape.  Nowadays everything  government is bound with red tape - the real thick sticky kind that makes it impossible to do almost anything. My guess is that you knew this already.

"Put a sock in it!"  Most of us know this means to shut up!  This one may have come from the old gramophone record players that didn't have volume controls...the suggestion was made to put socks in the horn of the machine to lower the volume.  I thought this one was only recently made up because this saying, above and beyond all of the others, has many appropriate applications today.

"Cost an arm and a leg".   Old time artists used to charge for their portrait paintings based on the number of limbs to be included in the painting.  Today "it costs an arm and a leg" aptly describes what?  You got it, the price of gas.  Another saying comes to mind which combines the human body and gas (no, let's not go there) and it is "foot the bill".  This came from having to add the numbers in a column and putting the total at the foot of the bill.  Long ago customers were asked to foot the bill to check the arithmetic before they paid.  Today you are asked to foot the bill every time you fill up.  As far as gas prices I can think of a better use of a foot, involving a good swift kick in the keester.

"Pay through the nose."  Wow, could I have some fun with this one!  Some think this was originally "led by the nose" and meant being controlled or dominated by someone.  Others think it originated many centuries ago; if someone didn't pay a tax they would have their noses...well, let's just say that if you had a stuffy nose back then it would no longer be stuffy.  I don't make this up, I just report it.  I think if someone owed me money and they were going to pay through the nose I may forgive the debt.

My blog must be coming to an end.  How do I know this?  There is a woman in our neighborhood who is just slightly overweight.  I hear her singing outside, and as everyone knows, it ain't over til the fat lady sings!

Like a Kid in a Candy Store

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you say to yourself (or out loud) "WOW! This is amazing!"  You know, maybe you go to visit The Alamo, The Lincoln Memorial, The Grand Canyon or some other place that is awesome and you think "this is so cool!"  I went to a Red Sox game with my Swedish nephew Adrian Saturday and upon entering Fenway Park (my home away from home) Addie noticed that there were a number of people on the field.  I didn't think much of it because before most games there are small groups of people that are allowed to go onto the field for special circumstances.  But then I looked in the stands and noticed that there was no one there!  I looked back at the field and realized that everyone was being allowed to go onto the field, the warning track which wraps around the field.  Needless to say we made a beeline for the field.

As I stepped onto the field I told Addie "This is amazing! This is something I have always wanted to do!"  A man about my age was walking by me and with a sheepish grin on his face he said  to me "me too!" So we entered the hallowed ground of Fenway Park.

I remember the first Red Sox game my father took me to.  I was about 12 years old and my most vivid memory of that day was walking up the ramp which went from the concourse to the seats and getting my first view of the grass and the infield dirt.  It was one of the most amazing things I had ever seen.  The grass was so much greener than on TV.  This is where they play baseball!  Wow!  We didn't get any autographs or foul balls hit to us.  It didn't matter.  We were there and that was all that mattered.

As we walked around the field there were players shaking hands and having photos taken of themselves and anyone who asked to have one done.  While we were looking at the likes of David Ortiz (Big Papi), Adrian Gonzalez, Tim Wakefield and Jarrod Saltalamacchia (who by the way owns the longest name in baseball) I thought this is very cool.  But I also thought that, as cool as this was for me, the kids that were anywhere from 8 years old and up were probably in awe...after all, these were their heroes, the players they saw every day on TV.  I enjoyed myself immensely but I know that, had this happened some 40 years ago, I would have been so excited to see the players I grew up with, like Carl Yastrzemski, Luis Tiant, Carlton Fisk and Rico Petrocelli.

I also couldn't help but think about my dad too.  He was of the generation that, while he was a life long Red Sox fan, he never got to see them win the World Series.  He was my first thought back on October 27, 2004 just before midnight when the Sox finally "beat the curse" and won the Series.  And he was among my thoughts on Saturday when I was on the field...how great would it have been to be with him on the field that day.

So we were there on Saturday; there on the field - having fun even though we didn't get an autograph or a foul ball.  I did, however, scoop up a fistful of dirt from the warning track to bring home with me.  After all, isn't that was all boys do?

Broken Bones

Did you ever break a bone?  Let me rephrase the question - have you ever broken one of your own bones?  I'm guessing most of you have not broken someone else's bones unless, of course, you are reading this from behind bars for doing that very thing.  And by now you realize you could have hired someone from the north end to do that for you for $200 and a couple of cases of beer.  Not that I've checked into this, mind you. 

I've broken two bones over my illustrious career.  It might actually be three if you count the day I went after my dog in the neighbor's yard, bent down to pick her up, she moved, and I jammed my right ring finger into the ground.  It hurt like a moose.  But, since it wasn't declared a broken bone by a doctor I can't officially count it.

Broken bone stories are one of those things that you tell to someone and you can see they are chomping at the bit for you to take a breath so they can start telling YOU about THEIR broken bone story.  It works the same way with accidents you may have gotten into with a motor vehicle.  "Hey Joe, I just got into an accident.  My car ran off of the Gold Star Bridge into the river.  I dove out of the window just in time to do a double twisting one and a half in the pike position, and landed in the water without a scratch."  "Well oh yea?!?  I was driving in Manhattan, the gas peddle stuck and I flew through the air landing in the torch of the Statue of Liberty!"  You get my drift.

Your body consists of about 206 bones so if you haven't yet broken one, be patient.  My first encounter with a broken bone happened at a basketball game that I was refereeing.  As the play was coming towards me I began to backpedal and stepped in some water that was on the gym floor.  Instead of gliding effortlessly backwards as of course I always did, my foot stuck to the floor and forgot to tell the rest of my body to stop.  What's the first thing you do when you fall?  You put your arm out to stop yourself - which is what I did.  So rather than land on my butt I landed on my right arm which was straight as an arrow behind me. I hit the floor (after my arm did) and got up slowly.  Everyone in the stands started laughing - I kid you not!  Ed, the other referee, came over to me and asked "are you all right?", the entire time holding back a laugh that I knew was going to come out as soon I spoke, regardless of how I answered his question...and it did!  I lied and said I was okay and finished the rest of the game.

Two days later when my arm was turning purple I went to the doctor (I can be a little dense sometimes) who said I had a hairline fracture near my elbow.  I asked him if he was going to put it  in a cast and he said "oh no...this is the kind of break that you have to exercise to get better."  WHAT?!!??!??  "Yes", he said, "if we were to put your arm in a cast it would freeze in that position and you would never be able to bend your elbow again."  Okay, I thought, not only did I break my arm in an embarrassing way but I don't even get a cast to show for it!  Only me...

Bone #2: It was January and we had friends up from Florida.  Their 9 year old daughter had never been in snow so she went to play outside.  When she was done she came up our back deck stairs that were loaded with ice and snow.  I went out the door to warn her about the ice and to help her up the stairs.  Oh yea, baby, you know what comes next!  I put my foot on the first step and it flies out from underneath me.  So I grab for the railing, which I barely caught - right between my ring finger and pinky finger, breaking a bone just below my pinky on the back of my hand.  So there I was, 48 years old, lived in New England my entire life, and a little  girl that had never seen snow makes it up the icy stairs with no problem, and I end up in the hospital.  There is no justice!  Not that I wanted her to get hurt, but why me?  Who just said why not?!?  (By the way, I found the picture shown above on the internet - and it is exactly where my hand was broken.  Which leads me to my next question...which one of you took that picture of me in the hospital?)

So there you have it.  Now let's hear your broken bone stories...I'm sure they are doozies!  The moral to this story?  I recommend that you do not break any bones...it will ruin your day.  But it WILL, however, give you material for a blog!

April Fools

Good ole' April Fools Day.  In case you are wondering, this year it falls on April 1st.  And before I begin getting cards, letters, phone calls, faxes and emails I KNOW I didn't post this on April 1st.  However, I did begin to write this on April 1st so that still counts.  The trick in this blog is to see what is true and what may be a bit fabricated.  What better day to embellish a few stories, right?

Everyone has heard of the run of the mill April Fools jokes.  Like when we were back in school (you remember, in the one room school houses where we used to park our dinosaurs out in front before they invented horses?)  Back to the schoolhouse, where we used to put chalk inside of the erasers so that when the teacher would go to erase the board it would smear the blackboard with chalk.  Or putting a fake mouse in someone's jacket pocket.  Or putting tacks on a teacher's chair.  Back when I was in high school (I believe Thomas Jefferson was President) a couple of guys put three tacks on a teacher's chair when she was out of the room. This particular class was a study hall and there were about 50 students in there.  The teacher came back, sat down, and NOTHING!  The girls in the class were all cringing and the guys were laughing!  A few minutes later she got up, left the room again and there was only one tack left on her chair...the others were nowhere to be found.  The class erupted!  I wouldn't recommend trying this at home - maybe somewhere else though.

I used to work in a factory and we each had a locker.  I went to open mine and about 30 containers filled with water came tumbling out.  Did I get wet? Duh!  I don't remember what I actually did to get back at the perpetrator but I seem to recall it involved C-4 explosives.

Although it wasn't on April Fools day one of my co-workers had her office wrapped in pink saran wrap.  She was a very good sport about it although we are still fearing retribution.  Only kidding, Special K!

I once put a bucket over a door at work that was filled with water and an ink solution.  I wasn't expecting the plant manager to be the next one through the door in his $500 suit.   And though it missed him it did hit the floor and the wall which stained everything.  After about 8 hours of cleaning this up he had me arrested for vandalism & malicious mischief and I spent the better part of a month behind bars at a maximum security facility in South Carolina.  I thought the punishment didn't quite fit the crime but what do I know?

Last year my wife planted seeds for wild flowers in our backyard.  The next day I bought fake flowers from a local craft store and put them where she had planted the seeds.  It was a harmless joke until fake bugs came and ate the flowers.  Who would have guessed that there were fake bugs waiting to reek havoc on fake flowers?  That does, however, explain some of the hideous fake flowers seen in some window boxes.

Back in the day (my kids use that expression to make me feel old...you know, like "hey dad, back in the day did you have indoor plumbing?") Anyway, back in the day I used to have a machine that made plastic figures like Superman and also things like spiders and other insects.  They wouldn't dream of having this type of thing now as it involved a small burner that baked liquid plastic that you poured into a mold.  Can you imagine giving that to kids now?  That would almost be as bad as allowing them to drink out of a garden hose.  But I digress... One day my father calls me from the bathroom.  "TOMMY?  GET IN HERE!"  Whoo boy, now what?  He points to the bathtub and says "is that one of yours?" pointing to a huge spider in the middle of the tub.  I said "no, not one of mine" and just then it started to crawl!  We both jumped back!  I left the room thinking "I ain't touching that baby!"  My father soon came out of the bathroom victorious.  Good job, dad!

So April 1st has come and gone and no practical jokes have been played on me...unless of course you count the air being let out of my tires, Vaseline being smeared on the car door handle, one of the spark plugs being removed and my keys being hidden.  Think my wife wants me to stay home to do housework today?  Just asking...