I don't mind a little cold weather, like 60 degrees. Anything below that is inhumane...period. I blame the cold on the thermometers. Here's my theory - way back when, before the dreaded thermometers, the weather here in CT was about 75-80 degrees all year round. But, because the stinking thermometers say that it is -5 degrees the weather must cooperate and thus it becomes -5 degrees. Who programs these lousy thermometers anyway? I have proof that it is all a conspiracy. The word "degrees" - did you know that originally the word started out as "decrees"? That is how the thermometers were given the power to affect the temperature and thus the weather. It wasn't until some lunkhead (probably Mr. Thermo) went ahead and invented these insidious devices that we have the unbearable weather we now enjoy.
Because of the (say the next word in the most sarcastic way possible) THERMOMETERS and the accompanying weather I now have a driveway that is about 2/3 of its normal size. Why? Because there is nowhere to put the snow! Mr. Thermo, don't let me meet you in a dark alley anytime soon - I'm getting fairly good at wielding a snow shovel as I've achieved the level of Black Belt just this year. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Of course I know that most of New England has the same problem I have, but to quote Rhett Butler, "Frankly my dear..." You know the rest. A quick aside: the last sentence has the words "New England" and "Butler" in it. I now expect to get well over 100,000 hits on the blog from people looking for stories about the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots and the hero of the game Malcolm Butler! I'll take any help I can get. And now in my best anchorman voice, "now back to the weather!"
Up to this point I have been hesitant to mention the words "snow blower" because there is a certain faction of people out there that believe that if I actually purchase one the snow will magically stop falling for the remainder of the winter. That might be true...I bought a new generator and the power has not gone out once since I got it...last week. But speaking of purchases, quite possibly the best purchase I have ever made was when we first moved into our house and I bought some Elephant Repellent...man, that stuff works great!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
"But at least it's not a heavy snow!"
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The Snow. Roughly two feet of that nasty white stuff. Raise your hands if you love the snow. Okay, now put your hands down so I can give you some medication, because it's obvious you need it.
Admit it, during this past storm did you actually utter the words "but at least it's not a heavy snow"? I'll bet that if you had to shovel it you didn't say it, nor did someone say it to you if you just came back from shoveling, say, for about four hours. It is the winter equivalent of telling someone in Scottsdale, Arizona "but it's a dry heat". Sure, it's 115 degrees in the shade but at least it's not humid. That makes me feel only a little less like a baked potato...which at this point would be much better than feeling like Olaf. If you don't know who that is may I suggest asking anyone under the age of 10, then prepare to be serenaded by the song "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?". I think Beethoven wrote the original score.
I went outside to do some shoveling (some...yea, right) but then I decided to do some exploring in my driveway to see what I could find. It took an hour or so but I found what appear to be two automobiles. I have decided to keep them and I have named them "Focus" and "PT Cruiser" for no apparent reason. I believe Focus is about 10 years old and PT Cruiser is about 8. I could tell their age by looking at their teeth - it was easier than cutting them in half and counting their rings.
Apparently some people have given up and want winter to come to a close. Even vehicles are giving up. I noticed around our neighborhood vehicles have their windshield wipers raised in the air. For those of you who don't know, this is the way that a vehicle shows it has given up...happens every snowstorm.
Last year we did not get much snow. This storm was the equalizer. So because of that I hereby declare that there should be no more snow this year...okay, this month...okay, this week. What's that? There are two more storms forecast for this week? Where's that medication I gave everyone earlier, I think I'll be needing it!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Don't Fall For It!
Fall. The season and the verb...I dislike them both. Did you know that autumn is nicknamed fall because of what the leaves do during this time of year? I have no idea if this is true but I have yet to hear of a better explanation. Speaking of fall and leaves, did you know that the average mature tree has about 250,000 leaves on it? Immature trees don't have that many because, well, they are immature and don't know any better.
When we first moved into our house we only had a few trees around so naturally we planted more trees, never thinking that one day they too would become mature and each would drop 250,000 leaves on my lawn. 250,000 - that's a quarter of a million leaves! PER TREE!!! Really makes you wish that at least one of them was that elusive money tree. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Sorry, that's one of those stupid jokes I have rattling around in my head and it slipped out via my fingers onto the keyboard. I'll try not to do that again. Yea, fat chance. Did you know that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Again with the jokes...
I spent the better part of the weekend getting rid of approximately 2.5 million leaves using a leaf blower (works well until the wind blows), my lawn tractor (without a vacuum attachment) and the good ole fashion rake. Utilizing all three methods I was able to get all of the leaves into 18 separate piles of about 138,888 leaves each. No, I didn't actually count the leaves in the piles because much of the time the wind was blowing, and if I did hand count them the leaves would leave...the leaves would leave...please accept my sincerest apologies.
The next trick is picking up all of the piles and finding somewhere to get rid of them. Our recycling center, aka the dump here in town will take virtually anything, except brush and leaves. So I can't dump them at the dump. I'm even embarrassed at myself for that one. I could wait for spring but then I will have 18 spots with no grass which will look real attractive. So if anyone has any suggestions as to where I could make leave of the leaves that would be great. And at the same time please suggest how I can stop these lousy puns!
My wife and I were talking about some of the trees in the yard. A couple of them are either dead or dying so we were discussing taking some of the trees down. She pointed out the trees that she thought should be taken down. I disagreed with every one of her choices. Why? Because she wanted the dead trees cut down, and everyone knows that dead trees don't produce leaves!
When we first moved into our house we only had a few trees around so naturally we planted more trees, never thinking that one day they too would become mature and each would drop 250,000 leaves on my lawn. 250,000 - that's a quarter of a million leaves! PER TREE!!! Really makes you wish that at least one of them was that elusive money tree. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Sorry, that's one of those stupid jokes I have rattling around in my head and it slipped out via my fingers onto the keyboard. I'll try not to do that again. Yea, fat chance. Did you know that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Again with the jokes...
I spent the better part of the weekend getting rid of approximately 2.5 million leaves using a leaf blower (works well until the wind blows), my lawn tractor (without a vacuum attachment) and the good ole fashion rake. Utilizing all three methods I was able to get all of the leaves into 18 separate piles of about 138,888 leaves each. No, I didn't actually count the leaves in the piles because much of the time the wind was blowing, and if I did hand count them the leaves would leave...the leaves would leave...please accept my sincerest apologies.
The next trick is picking up all of the piles and finding somewhere to get rid of them. Our recycling center, aka the dump here in town will take virtually anything, except brush and leaves. So I can't dump them at the dump. I'm even embarrassed at myself for that one. I could wait for spring but then I will have 18 spots with no grass which will look real attractive. So if anyone has any suggestions as to where I could make leave of the leaves that would be great. And at the same time please suggest how I can stop these lousy puns!
My wife and I were talking about some of the trees in the yard. A couple of them are either dead or dying so we were discussing taking some of the trees down. She pointed out the trees that she thought should be taken down. I disagreed with every one of her choices. Why? Because she wanted the dead trees cut down, and everyone knows that dead trees don't produce leaves!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Minor Surgery
I have heard "minor surgery" defined as surgery that someone else is having. So by that definition I have never had minor surgery. Besides which, there are no bragging rights in minor surgery anyway so for the purposes of this blog let's suffice it to say that I have had many major surgeries. Since my childhood, when the hospitals were lit by candlelight and doctors still made house calls (one of those statements is actually true), I have had eight surgeries. I won't bore you with all the details, because if I did then I would have to listen to all of YOUR surgery stories (minor surgeries of course), but suffice it to say that five of the eight involved the removal of nasal polyps. Apparently I am very good at growing them, to be harvested at a later date, but enough of that. My latest two surgeries had to do with the eyes...cataract surgery.
First things first; the word is cataract, not catarac. If you have had this surgery and still cannot pronounce the word correctly, it does not count as a surgery for you (minor surgery of course) and you therefore lose all rights to talk about it. I just survived my second cataract surgery and I am thankful for one thing - that I am not a mother, because if I were I would still have two more eyes to go. Anyone who has been a child and was caught doing something wrong by your mother while her head was turned knows exactly what I am talking about.
I spoke to a number of different people about cataract surgery and most of their responses were something like "it's no problem, 10 minutes and you're done". Technically that is true, but since they all had minor surgery I knew they could not relate to what I was about to go through...major surgery, twice! The Cliff Notes version of the operation is to remove the lens in your eye and replace it with another lens which will allow you to see better. Over three million of these minor surgeries are done annually with only two this year considered to be major surgery, both of which were mine.
If you decide to have this minor surgery performed, know this...eye drops will take over your world beginning three days prior to surgery and a month afterwards. In my case I had three different eye drops, one to be taken once a day, one three times a day and one four times a day. And, if you have both eyes done within two weeks of each other as I did, you can double the eye drop schedule. I am currently patenting a hat which when worn will apply eye drops at a predetermined time to a predetermined eye. So far all it does is spray you in the face, which is fine as long as you have only one eye open and your mouth shut, which, for many people, is nearly impossible (the mouth shut part...you know who you are).
I am going to end this blog for the evening until tomorrow, because my left eye is still dilated after my latest major surgery and thus I cannot tell if the surgery worked or if the doctor just needed a new Lamborghini.
Back again, eye no longer dilated...which is good because having only one eye dilated, a ton of people came up to me asking if I had a traumatic brain injury. I told them no worse than normal - they left me alone after that. Anyway, I can see a little better out of my eye, as opposed to, oh I don't know, seeing a little better out of my elbow. So my suggestion to you if you ever need cataract surgery is to get used to using the eye drops. I think the doctor told me if I didn't use them that my eyes would explode, or something like that. And of course you have nothing to be worried about, seeing as how you will only be having minor surgery.
First things first; the word is cataract, not catarac. If you have had this surgery and still cannot pronounce the word correctly, it does not count as a surgery for you (minor surgery of course) and you therefore lose all rights to talk about it. I just survived my second cataract surgery and I am thankful for one thing - that I am not a mother, because if I were I would still have two more eyes to go. Anyone who has been a child and was caught doing something wrong by your mother while her head was turned knows exactly what I am talking about.
I spoke to a number of different people about cataract surgery and most of their responses were something like "it's no problem, 10 minutes and you're done". Technically that is true, but since they all had minor surgery I knew they could not relate to what I was about to go through...major surgery, twice! The Cliff Notes version of the operation is to remove the lens in your eye and replace it with another lens which will allow you to see better. Over three million of these minor surgeries are done annually with only two this year considered to be major surgery, both of which were mine.
If you decide to have this minor surgery performed, know this...eye drops will take over your world beginning three days prior to surgery and a month afterwards. In my case I had three different eye drops, one to be taken once a day, one three times a day and one four times a day. And, if you have both eyes done within two weeks of each other as I did, you can double the eye drop schedule. I am currently patenting a hat which when worn will apply eye drops at a predetermined time to a predetermined eye. So far all it does is spray you in the face, which is fine as long as you have only one eye open and your mouth shut, which, for many people, is nearly impossible (the mouth shut part...you know who you are).
I am going to end this blog for the evening until tomorrow, because my left eye is still dilated after my latest major surgery and thus I cannot tell if the surgery worked or if the doctor just needed a new Lamborghini.
Back again, eye no longer dilated...which is good because having only one eye dilated, a ton of people came up to me asking if I had a traumatic brain injury. I told them no worse than normal - they left me alone after that. Anyway, I can see a little better out of my eye, as opposed to, oh I don't know, seeing a little better out of my elbow. So my suggestion to you if you ever need cataract surgery is to get used to using the eye drops. I think the doctor told me if I didn't use them that my eyes would explode, or something like that. And of course you have nothing to be worried about, seeing as how you will only be having minor surgery.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
The Uncommon Cold
Okay, first off let me start by saying that I live in Canterbury, Connecticut, about 11 miles north of Norwich. I don't live in Caribou, Maine or in Saskatchewan (yup, had to look that one up), Canada, so it is not fair to hear from any of my friends that live north of me as this blog does not apply to you...only because the temperature numbers I will be using will be laughable by your standards. So just bear with me as I try to prove a point to everyone south of latitude 41.7° North, 72° West, which is right here in my living room. Interesting that they use the degree symbol for both location as well as temperature, eh? Confusing the two could become, well, confusing. I can hear it now: "Where did you say you were located?" "41.7° North, 72° West." "I don't care about the temperature, tell me where you are! How can it be 41° AND 72° at the same time?" I know a few people that would ask that question. However, if you are reading this blog you are not one of those people because you are way too intelligent, so not to worry. Like how I got out of that one? Speaking of Canada, much of our cold weather comes down from Canada, so someone should consider weatherstripping the border.
In over 30 years here the lowest temperature every recorded at my house was -12° back a long time ago. It was so long ago that I remember I was cleaning up dinosaur poop from my front lawn...but I digress. As I write this, we here in the northeast are expecting record low temperatures tonight. It is all over the news, and when the weather is the first story on the news it is never good news (or good weather for that matter). Those of you that know me know that I am a Weather Aficionado, which is one college credit from being a meteorologist. All I am missing is an actual degree in meteorology. Again with a degree? I'm telling you, the weather is everywhere! And if you know me at all you know that I loathe the cold weather. The only time that I put up with it is if we're going to have a record breaking event such as tonight's cold temps, or a blizzard that produces over 20 inches of snow. Otherwise, give me 90° with high humidity verses a temperature that begins with a minus sign. Although at one time I was considering getting a job in the Arctic during the winter because the days are so short I would only have to work about an hour a week. But after considering what I could (or dare I say couldn't do) in my spare time I quickly nixed that idea. Sadly, work ethic didn't even enter into the equation.
As I write this the temperature outside is 6°. It is so cold the garbage is begging me not to take it out. I will not be publishing this blog until tomorrow, so I will have an up-to-the-minute report before I end to let you know if we broke the existing record of -12°. If not I will be one unhappy camper.
Well, the coldest it got here today was at about 5 AM with a reading of -10° which is 2° shy of the record. So that ended up being the second coldest reading here in the century or two that we have lived here. Better luck next time. Oh, by the way, in case you are wondering why we are having this cold spell, there is only one reason; my wood stove decided to kick the proverbial bucket so this winter we're depending on good old electric heat. I got my first bill a week ago...and I have opened up an account called "If You Want To Donate To A Large Electric Bill Feel Free". Donations of all denominations are accepted, especially ones with the name "Benjamin" in them! Happy Heating Everyone!
Well, the coldest it got here today was at about 5 AM with a reading of -10° which is 2° shy of the record. So that ended up being the second coldest reading here in the century or two that we have lived here. Better luck next time. Oh, by the way, in case you are wondering why we are having this cold spell, there is only one reason; my wood stove decided to kick the proverbial bucket so this winter we're depending on good old electric heat. I got my first bill a week ago...and I have opened up an account called "If You Want To Donate To A Large Electric Bill Feel Free". Donations of all denominations are accepted, especially ones with the name "Benjamin" in them! Happy Heating Everyone!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Leaves, Sleep, and the Boston Red Sox
Unless you just crawled out from under a rock you have probably heard that the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and are now the World Champions! Okay, technically they are not "World" Champions - the official title is "World Series Champions", however for the purposes of this blog the Red Sox are the World Champions...live with it!
By now you may have also heard some of the story lines of their victory: their beards, their clubhouse comradery, and the fact that last year they came in dead last and this year they won it all, better known as Worst to First! However, you haven't heard it from me, so here goes. (But first a note to my New York Yankee friends - do you know what the "NY" on your hats stands for? Not Yet. Just thought I would throw that one in...and no, I don't want to talk about how many world series titles each team has because, frankly, it's not relevant to our conversation today. However, feel free to write your own blog and I'll be happy to read all about it!)
This victory was sweet this year for many reasons, not the least of which is that we have suffered through two horrific years of fried chicken, beer and Bobby Valentine! If you aren't a Sox fan you probably have no idea what I am talking about, but suffice it to say that it wasn't pretty. This year all we had to put up with were some beards that looked, well, for the most part, just a bit shabby. A small price to pay to become World Champions.
So why the title "Leaves, Sleep and the Boston Red Sox"? It is simply a matter of priorities. It isn't every year that the Red Sox get into the playoffs or the World Series, but every October the leaves fall and need to be raked up. Therefore, leaves keep (kinda like dust) so they will still be there in November. And I figure who needs sleep in October? November was made for that too. So feel free to stop by our house at any time and you may be lucky enough to spot me in the front yard, leaning on my rake fast asleep, in my Red Sox Champions of the Universe tee shirt. Hey, it could be true...do you know of any other planet that has a better baseball team? Not this year, baby! And even if there is baseball on other planets, is there another team that could win it all? How can I best put this...NY!
By now you may have also heard some of the story lines of their victory: their beards, their clubhouse comradery, and the fact that last year they came in dead last and this year they won it all, better known as Worst to First! However, you haven't heard it from me, so here goes. (But first a note to my New York Yankee friends - do you know what the "NY" on your hats stands for? Not Yet. Just thought I would throw that one in...and no, I don't want to talk about how many world series titles each team has because, frankly, it's not relevant to our conversation today. However, feel free to write your own blog and I'll be happy to read all about it!)
This victory was sweet this year for many reasons, not the least of which is that we have suffered through two horrific years of fried chicken, beer and Bobby Valentine! If you aren't a Sox fan you probably have no idea what I am talking about, but suffice it to say that it wasn't pretty. This year all we had to put up with were some beards that looked, well, for the most part, just a bit shabby. A small price to pay to become World Champions.
So why the title "Leaves, Sleep and the Boston Red Sox"? It is simply a matter of priorities. It isn't every year that the Red Sox get into the playoffs or the World Series, but every October the leaves fall and need to be raked up. Therefore, leaves keep (kinda like dust) so they will still be there in November. And I figure who needs sleep in October? November was made for that too. So feel free to stop by our house at any time and you may be lucky enough to spot me in the front yard, leaning on my rake fast asleep, in my Red Sox Champions of the Universe tee shirt. Hey, it could be true...do you know of any other planet that has a better baseball team? Not this year, baby! And even if there is baseball on other planets, is there another team that could win it all? How can I best put this...NY!
Monday, September 23, 2013
Studies Government-style!
With everything that is going on with the government today I thought I'd write a blog about studies. Not the stuff that we had to do in school, but studies that our illustrious government funds with our hard earned money. Notice I said "our" hard earned money. Let's not forget that the government does not make money, unless you consider printing it making it. No, what the government does is an enormous job of redistribution of our money. Granted the majority of what they spend it on is necessary (roughly 51%) but the remainder is what we lovingly refer to as "pork-barrel projects". You know, those "we gotta have 'em" projects that we cannot do without.
I did some research about some of these pork-barrel projects. It took me about 1/2 hour to find these, and if the government had hired me to do this research I figure I could have made $15,971 not including lodging and transportation. Quite a bargain by federal standards. Here is a list of just a few of these pet projects. First a disclaimer...if one or more of these projects were done at your request, well, too bad:
1) $107,000 to study the sex life of the Japanese quail. Apparently the male quail (say that 5 times fast) is quite the ladies man. Nuff said.
2) $84,000 to find out why people fall in love. Now THERE'S a mystery. Can't wait to see how that book ends. I bet the butler did it.
3) $1 Million dollars to find out why people don't ride bikes to work. Well let's see. I work about 23 miles from home and the best way to get from here to there is by Route 395 through Norwich. Seeing as how you can't ride a bike on Route 395, and I'm not about to bike over 30 miles one way, which is the next best route, well, there you go! That's a million dollars we'll never get back.
4) $100,000 on how to avoid falling spacecraft. As my friend Frank would say, some jokes just write themselves. And possibly my favorite because of the subject and the dollar amount...
5) $19 Million dollars to examine gas emissions from cow flatulence. I don't care if you believe in global warming or not, that is just a little over the top. I wonder if they'll classify that as man-made global warming? Okay, splain that one to me Lucy!
So the next time you are taking your Japanese quail for a walk while reading a love story not riding your bike to work (shame on you, by the way!), running through a smelly cow field because you're trying to avoid those pesky falling spacecraft, remember this blog and then ask yourself..."would the federal government have paid me to read this?" And if the answer is yes, let me know and we'll split the money! Wait, there's a knock at my door. Can I help you? You're with the FBI? Oh, the other FBI. The Federal Blog Investigation? Hey honey, call our attorney, we're in deep!
I did some research about some of these pork-barrel projects. It took me about 1/2 hour to find these, and if the government had hired me to do this research I figure I could have made $15,971 not including lodging and transportation. Quite a bargain by federal standards. Here is a list of just a few of these pet projects. First a disclaimer...if one or more of these projects were done at your request, well, too bad:
1) $107,000 to study the sex life of the Japanese quail. Apparently the male quail (say that 5 times fast) is quite the ladies man. Nuff said.
2) $84,000 to find out why people fall in love. Now THERE'S a mystery. Can't wait to see how that book ends. I bet the butler did it.
3) $1 Million dollars to find out why people don't ride bikes to work. Well let's see. I work about 23 miles from home and the best way to get from here to there is by Route 395 through Norwich. Seeing as how you can't ride a bike on Route 395, and I'm not about to bike over 30 miles one way, which is the next best route, well, there you go! That's a million dollars we'll never get back.
4) $100,000 on how to avoid falling spacecraft. As my friend Frank would say, some jokes just write themselves. And possibly my favorite because of the subject and the dollar amount...
5) $19 Million dollars to examine gas emissions from cow flatulence. I don't care if you believe in global warming or not, that is just a little over the top. I wonder if they'll classify that as man-made global warming? Okay, splain that one to me Lucy!
So the next time you are taking your Japanese quail for a walk while reading a love story not riding your bike to work (shame on you, by the way!), running through a smelly cow field because you're trying to avoid those pesky falling spacecraft, remember this blog and then ask yourself..."would the federal government have paid me to read this?" And if the answer is yes, let me know and we'll split the money! Wait, there's a knock at my door. Can I help you? You're with the FBI? Oh, the other FBI. The Federal Blog Investigation? Hey honey, call our attorney, we're in deep!
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