What? WHAT? WHAT?!?

So originally I thought I might enlighten everyone about the Joy of Colonoscopy but then I thought that may be a bit too graphic.  And besides, what picture would I post at the top of the blog?  Many come to mind but none of them would be too pleasing to the eye, and if you are reading this while eating lets just say that it would allow you to start your diet earlier than you may have planned. Suffice it to say that if it is suggested you get a colonoscopy that you do it.  There, I've done my good deed for the day, which means for the rest of the day I can be a miserable snot...now there's something to look forward to!

So rather than working from the bottom up, so to speak, I thought I would begin from the top down and write this blog about my trip to the audiologist.  In case you think an audiologist is someone that works at Radio Shack selling speakers, you have come to the right place.  You're wrong, but you have come to the right place.  An audiologist is someone that deals with the science of hearing.  They do extensive hearing testing and if need be recommend hearing aids or some other hearing devices that aid in the hearing process.  Seeing as how over the past couple of years I've noticed that I have trouble hearing with background noise I wanted to get this checked out.  At home my wife has noticed that I am saying "what?" more often...I blamed this on the noise from the refrigerator - but she ain't buying it.

I arrive at the office and after filling out the obligatory paperwork I meet with the audiologist who is a very nice guy.  We talk for a while to get my background information, and then we begin the process.  First he goes in and removes whatever wax may be there.  Okay, stop it with the "ewww, gross!" comments.  Like I'm the only one with wax in their ears?  I'm not, am I?  I KNEW I should have asked him that!  Then we step into the soundproof booth (I have no idea if this is what it is actually called, but if it's good enough for a game show it's good enough for me...besides, maybe I'll win a prize!).  The first test is to check out my eardrums.  Eardrum...what an odd name for something that is so sensitive.  The name eardrum sounds like you should be able to go in there with a Q-Tip and start wailing "Wipeout", but I don't recommend it.  This was a quick test and the eardrums are fine.

Now comes the fun part.  He fits me with foam inserts that he pushes into each ear until they touch in the middle.  Okay not quite that far in but far enough.  Then he hands me a buzzer that looks exactly like the ones used in "Jeopardy" - wow, I thought, this IS a game show...I wonder what my parting gift will be...I'll take "I Can't Hear a Stinking Thing" for $500 Alex. He explains how to use the thing and he says we will begin in about 2 minutes.  About 5 minutes later he comes back and says it will be a few more minutes.  Later on he tells me his computer crashed and he had to reboot.  I have that effect on computers but I wasn't about to tell him that for fear of being charged double.  Then we begin the process, pressing the Jeopardy buzzer every time I hear a tone.  Is it just me or does everyone feel like if they miss a tone you're a complete failure?  I blame the feeling on that miserable buzzer and the soundproof booth.

Anyway, after about 30 minutes of testing he comes in and says that we're done.  He just has to print up the results.  So I leave the soundproof booth, expecting of course to have thunderous applause as I exit, finding only the receptionist cooking lunch in the microwave...what a letdown!

Then we sit down and go over the results.  I am completely expecting the results to show that, yes, I do have some hearing loss and it is worse with background noise...after all, the refrigerator, my wife, you know. He pulls out the paperwork with the graphs and begins to explain them all.  He shows me the normal hearing range on the graph then shows me where my results are...ready for this?  Every result is well within the normal range!  WHAT?  (Get it? "What?" C'mon, that was funny!)  All of the results are as close to perfect as you can get.  He tells me that I have the hearing of an 8 year old.  (My wife later commented that it all makes sense now...8 year olds never listen!  She also called me at my office later on in the day and whispered "hello? hello?"  My wife the comedian!)  I'm completely baffled by the findings.  I was ready for almost any answer except for this one.  He explains that my hearing is so good that the background noise is very distracting so I can't hear well in those situations.  Talk about a Catch-22!  I supposedly have great hearing but because of that I can't hear!  By now I'm looking at him like my dog does when she doesn't understand something I've said to her - my head is cocked to one side, although I resist the urge to start panting.  He says that he likes it when people like myself come in to get tested because it proves that his equipment is calibrated correctly.  Huh?  So glad I could help!

He then gives me some suggestions to help in loud background noise situations as well as at home.  Who knows, he may have just saved my marriage!  I, of course, am ticked off because this takes away any excuse I had for not hearing my wife.  Thanks, pal!  And by the way, the parting gift?  A bill.  What kind of a game show is this?  What???